Superpowered Self Defense

Superpowered Self Defense

Mark A Davis

180

"When your opponent has super powers or special abilities, that don't mean they automatically trump you in combat," said Grandpa Anarchy.  The world's oldest superhero was dressed in his usual rumpled gray suit with an anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.  "Now, pay attention!  Super speed doesn't make you a better fighter." He beckoned to his current sidekick, a young girl in a red spandex outfit named the Split Second.  She had mousy brown hair and glasses.  "Come at me, girl," he said.  "As fast as you want."

A handful of other young people in brightly-colored costumes were gathered in a large semi-circle around the two, in an open area of the Anarchy Cave, located deep below the Anarchy mansion.  Former sidekicks Magical Midriff, You Go Girl, Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl, and Boy Gravity were here, as were several younger people who had not yet had the pleasure of being Grandpa's sidekick.

The Split Second licked her lips nervously.  "You sure?" she asked.  "I'm a lot faster than you.  I'm one of the fastest humans alive."

"I'm sure," Grandpa said.

"Okay," the girl replied.  "But Imma cut you so low, you can milk a pregnant snake!"  The girl struck.

Her movements were a blur, too fast for the eye to track -- but surprisingly, she wound up on the floor of the cave with Grandpa on top of her, pinning one arm behind her back.

"Now," said Grandpa, "given that I can't move even a hundredth as fast as Split Second here, anyone want to explain how I took her out?"

After a moment, Boy Gravity -- who appeared to be a nicely-dressed young woman -- raised his hand.  "You anticipated her moves," he said.  "There's really no other way."

"He could have used magic to temporarily boost his speed," said You Go Girl, "but I would know if he had."

"Correct," Grandpa replied.  "When someone has a superpowered advantage over you, do anything you can to counter it.  Even the odds.  If they're super-fast, then think five steps ahead.  Just being fast doesn't mean she can out-think me.  If they're super-strong, then try to beat them with finesse.  Lots of powerful fighters never learn technique because they don't have to.  Oh, and by the way -- just because Split Second is fast, doesn't mean she can punch me any harder than a normal human.  Not unless she wants to shatter her own fist.

"Here at Grandpa Anarchy's School of Superpowered Fisticuffs, our goal is to teach you how to fight with beings more powerful than you are.  Although in some cases...." -- he paused to glare at You Go Girl and Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl -- "you're rather unlikely to find any opponents more powerful than you are."  He gestured to Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl.  "Your turn, Dreamgirl."

The young woman with the rainbow-hued crop top and miniskirt, and thigh-high boots, and rainbow-colored pigtails stepped forward.  A moaning sound echoed throughout the cave.  Grandpa frowned.  "Wind sure makes strange noises when it blows through here," he muttered.  "That almost sounds like...."  He paused, then shook his head.  "Nevertheless!  When I say go, I want you to try and hit me -- as hard as you like."

"I can punch you into next Tuesday," Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl said.

"You can try," Grandpa agreed.  "But don't underestimate me.  Hubris can get you killed."

Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl launched herself at Grandpa.  He ducked her punch.  A telescoping baton appeared in his hand, and he swung it into her knee.  Everyone winced -- the impact was loud.  Ignoring it completely, Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl grabbed Grandpa by the collar and flung him across the room, where he collided with a dusty exoskeleton, which looked like it had been built in the sixties.

Grandpa groaned.  He stood up.  "Now, there," he said, "was a perfect example.  I used a hidden weapon to try and even the odds -- and it would have worked, if only Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl weren't invulnerable.  Basically, in a fight with someone who's invulnerable, you're screwed."

"I'm nigh invulnerable," Magical Manic Pixy Dreamgirl interjected.  "It's kind of how they say it in superhero circles."

"Yes, that," Grandpa replied.  "Point is, she's much stronger than me, so she had a serious advantage in a fight.  It's my job to try and even the odds a little.  Strength alone does not trump someone who really knows how to fight."

"Why not just pull a gun on her?" asked Boy Gravity.

"Bullets bounce off me," said Dreamgirl.

The Split Second's eyes narrowed.  "Oh, I got something that would work...." she muttered.

There was another moan -- louder this time.  It was a howl of pain, a cry from a deep abyss.  Grandpa frowned.  "I've heard that sound before..." he began.

Behind him a shadow appeared.  It stepped out of the wall like a ghost.  It was a humanoid blackness, as if a man had been cut out of reality -- the void given human form.  It howled like the moan of wind through a deep crevasse, then turned to Grandpa Anarchy.

You Go Girl's eyes grew wide.  She and Split Second took a step back.  "What the hades?" Boy Gravity exclaimed.

"The Shadow of Evil!" Magical Midriff replied.  "It's back!"  She leaped to her feet.

"Ah.  I thought we'd see this thing again," Grandpa muttered.  He produced a pair of black gloves and pulled them on.

"But what is it?" You Go Girl asked.

"A creature from a 1970 Grandpa Anarchy comic book," said Magical Midriff, "Kid Continuity could tell you the exact details.  Somehow it became real.  Grandpa and I fought it months ago.  According to the comic, it can only be destroyed by a total eclipse of the sun or with the aid of friendly shadow creatures.  Anything else that touches it gets sucked into another dimension.  That's what happened to us last time...."

The creature swung an arm at Grandpa.  He ducked, then punched the thing in the head, or where its head should be.  The creature flew across the cave.

"To paraphrase Nietzsche, if you punch the abyss, the abyss also punches you," said Grandpa.  He held up his fists.  The gloves on his hands weren't just black -- they were the darkness of the void between the stars.  "The trick is landing a punch on a walking void.  Like I said, when an enemy has an advantage over you, find a way to neutralize it.  Think ahead.  Also, it helps to be friends with the Supreme Sorcerer of Earth, and to place an order for something like these Gloves of the Void."  Grandpa cracked his knuckles as the shadow creature got to its feet.  "Pay attention --  I'm going to show you a way of interacting with the void that Nietzsche never considered...."

The creature collapsed to the floor.  It was nearly flat -- as if an invisible force were crushing it.  It howled in anger and pain.

"Or," said Boy Gravity, stepping forward, "You could just ask someone who doesn't need to touch the creature in order to subdue it."  He held up manicured hands.  "Powers over gravity, remember?"

FINI