Elixir

Elixir

Mark A Davis

251

Theodore Harold 'Paul' Smith -- better known to the world as Kid Anarchy -- awoke.  His head was pounding.  There was a lump on the back of his skull.  He was in a cage, in the corner of a cluttered room.  The air smelled of vinegar, charcoal, and... pickles?

He got to his feet.   He was wearing his normal clothes -- an off-white shirt, dark pants, scuffed leather shoes, and suspenders.  He inspected the cage.  The bars were thick steel.  The door was locked.  Although he called himself a hero, Kid Anarchy was not one of those with special powers.  Perhaps a Valentin Zholdin could bend steel, and surely Nikola Tesla could melt the bars somehow.  Kid Anarchy was left with picking the lock -- something he'd never been very good at.

Nor was there a key anywhere in sight -- although in a room this crowded with junk and lit with flickering gas lamps rather than much brighter electric bulbs, it might be in plain sight.  There were several tall tables piled high with papers and books, and glass vials and beakers.  A coiling glass  tube filled with a green liquid led to a decanter that was dripping slowly into a large jar.  There was a rifle of some sort on one table, and on another, a curious statue of a squat demon, about a foot tall.  On the far side of the room was a heavy steel door.  Beside this were stairs led up.

Kid Anarchy groaned.  "Y'know, the Brawler always told me that when investigating a Judas, to watch my back...." he muttered.  "I shoulda listened...."

"Me too, Kid, me  too," another man said.

There was a second cage not too far away.  Inside was a portly, middle-aged man in a police uniform.  "Sargent Godell!" Kid Anarchy exclaimed.

The Sargent looked up.  "Kid Anarchy.  I see you're finally awake...."

"Miss Bloodraven and I have been looking for you!" Kid Anarchy said.  "Have you found Mister Graves?"

"Yes, I...." the Sargent began, but then keys could be heard in a lock above.  The stairs creaked.  A man descended.  Kid Anarchy's eyes narrowed.

"Julian Judas!" he exclaimed.

The man was striking.  He was six feet tall and muscular, and wore an expensive frock coat of black with gold buttons and gold stitching along the hem.  he had a black vest with a gold chain dangling from his pocket watch.  A crisp white shirt, black slacks, and black leather boots completed the look -- with a red silk cravat at the neck.  His face was narrow but handsome, with black hair, wire-rimmed glasses, intense dark eyes, and a trim black beard that came to a sharp point.

He carried a green beer bottle in one hand.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," Julian Judas said.  "Or at least, I should say, my associates Wilson and Istvan.  If it isn't the Gentleman Brawler's rich little orphaned sidekick, Little Pauley Pugilist.  Can I get you something to drink?  Ginger beer, perhaps?"  He raised his bottle to demonstrate.

"No thanks," replied Kid Anarchy.  "The Brawler always told me to never trust a relative of Jebadiah Judas.  It's Kid Anarchy, by the way."

"Ah, yes -- you changed your name," said Julian.  "Trying to distance yourself from your famous mentor, who gifted you with such a fortune?  For shame!  And such a chaotic, dreary, and negative appelation for a so-called hero of the people, too.  A sad sobriquet which declares to all and sundry that you spit in the face of those better than you!"  He smiled in a very weasel-like manner.  "I must admit, Kid Anarchy, I approve."

He paused, then added, "Are you certain I can't get you a ginger beer?  So refreshing!  I keep an ice chest full of them here in the lab, so  they're always cold."

"You're holding a police officer hostage...." Kid Anarchy began.

"Yes, well, that is my right," said Julian Judas.  "I have made a citizen's arrest.  He was trespassing on my property without a warrant,, just as you were.  Now is that any way to conduct an investigation?"

"Where is Mister Graves?" Kid Anarchy demanded.  "What have you done with him?"

"I can assure you, I do not know the man," Julian said.  "In addition I can verify that I am entirely above the law here.  You have no reason to investigate me -- my operation is an entirely legitimate one.  Would you like a ginger beer?"

"I'll take one," said Sargent Godell.  Julian ignored him.

"I chose this name...." Kid Anarchy began.

"Yes, I know," said Julian.  "You chose it in honor of the Gentleman Brawler and those terrible wobblie miners who died with him.  You think to align yourself with the people, the common folk, but I assure you these rabble-rousers, anarchists and communists do not represent the interests of anyone save themselves.  They have no vision for making America a great country -- they just want whatever they can get their greedy little hands on.  They would tear down American industry in order to feed their fat faces for a single day.  Really, is is a good idea to declare yourself an ally of such shiftless ilk?  Especially when you could do so much better.  Why, you could become someone like me -- one of the titans of industry!"

Kid Anarchy glared at Julian Judas.  The latter sipped his ginger beer, then said, "The Gentleman Brawler left you quite the sum of money in his will, did he not?  You should do what he never did and invest it."  He set the bottle down and inspected the decanter.  "I'll be the first to admit that some of the things my father did fell outside of moral decency, not to mention the law -- but I have not followed in his footsteps.  I've made something of myself, Kid Anarchy.  My company the Julian Judas Research Institute is among the leading manufacturers of modern chemical drugs.  Why, I've even perfected my father's old elixir and am in negotiations to sell it to the American military itself!  The problem with my father is that he didn't dream big enough.  Imagine it, my friend -- an army of super soldiers, stronger and faster and more resilient than any normal human being, and able to heal from wounds much more quickly -- why, they'd be unstoppable!  And if the United States declines to meet my very generous purchase price, there are other states that would jump at the chance to get their hands on this formula.

"I just need to eliminate the last of the unfortunate side effects...."

He spun about and stared directly at Kid Anarchy.  "As it happens, I need a partner to help fund a new line of research.  I'd be willing to offer you 20% interest in my company, in exchange for an investment of a certain amount of cash, to be negotiated later?  This is a very generous offer, my friend.  It would set you on the road to respectability!"

Kid Anarchy's eyes narrowed.  "You want to partner with me?"

"It's Paul, right?  Theodore Harold Paul Smith -- I remember.  Consider my offer carefully, Mr. Smith.  Surely you can not expect to make a living from dashing about the world and fistfighting with whoever you deem a villain.  That's no way to make a living, let me tell you!  Consider your future!  You may be a young buck now, but soon enough you'll want to marry, settle down, and raise a family.  You have no education and precious little talent.  How do you expect to support your family?  You need to strike now while the iron is hot, before you've frittered away that inheritance and are left with nothing.

"Could I get you that ginger beer?"

"Yes, please!" said Sargent Godell.  "My  throat is parched!"  Julian Judas continued to ignore him.

Kid Anarchy said, "You sure do like that  stuff."

"Oh, indeed!" said the scientist.  "Brewed right here in Cleveland!  Ginger has many anti-inflammatory properties.  It's good for nausea and indigestion. muscle pain and soreness.  It helps fight infections and stimulates the brain.  I recommend ingesting as much ginger per day as you can reasonably manage.  I have my cooks use it in every meal, with pickled ginger on the side and candied ginger as a snack afterwards.  You haven't lived until you've tried my Molly's lemon-ginger cake!"

  "Are you gonna let me out of here," asked Kid Anarchy, "or are you going to stand there all day flapping your gums about your favorite root?"

Julian shrugged.  "You haven't indicated whether you would accept my offer."

"Me, team up with you?" asked Kid Anarchy.  "There's not a chance in hell."

Julian sighed.  "A pity, although hardly surprising.  I had hoped you would see reason, but I suspected that you were too pig-headed.  It turns out my initial instincts were correct."

"At least I know how to knot a tie," Kid Anarchy muttered.

Julian raised an eyebrow, then turned to the police officer in the other cage.  "My apologies, officer -- Sargent Godell, wasn't it?  Let me fetch you that ginger beer."

As he was doing this, Julian said to Kid Anarchy, "You know, when someone finally put a bullet in the brain of that self-important, self-righteous busybody known as the Gentleman Brawler, I had thought my life would have gotten easier.  To my discredit I thought nothing of his little sidekick -- but you've been making quite the name for yourself ever since, haven't you?  You and your far more talented companions.  The first was Lady Prometheus, a remarkable woman who can conjure fire like some fabled sorcerer.  Now it is Miss Bloodraven, a woman of even more astonishing talent.  Where you find such women I'll never know.

"Where is Miss Bloodraven, by the way?"

"She's in New York, checking into another kidnapping case," said Kid Anarchy.

"Ah, pity.  I had so hoped to meet her!  Now she is a woman who intrigues me  greatly!  Able to transform into a panther, as well as a raven?  Such magnificent abilities!  It's a wonder she chooses to work with a street thug such as yourself.  Why, these qualities of her are exactly what I wish to build into the next generation of my patented elixir... if I could only study her hereditary molecules and discover the secrets hidden deep within her nucleotides, I might...."

"It's always about that damned elixir with you, ain't it?" growled Kid Anarchy.  "Just like your father!  Well, I got news for you -- what Miss Bloodraven does is magic.  You can't quantify it with your science.  And I have a suspicion, Mr. Judas, so tell me if I'm right:  all those reports of a monstrosity wandering the streets at night and terrorizing the townsfolk?  It's you and that damned elixir again, isn't it?  I know how you work -- just like your father, experimenting on people without their knowledge or agreement...."

An inarticulate half-choke, half-scream emanated from the second cage.  Sargent Godell bent over, grunting.  The green bottle which Julian had handed him fell and shattered on concrete.  His body rippled and morphed.  Black hair sprouted from his face and forearms, and his shirt began to rip and tear.  In seconds, the police officer had transformed into a muscular half-human beast.

"Whaaaat haaave youuuu dooone tooo meeee?" the creature exclaimed.

Julian frowned.  "Hmm.  Another bad reaction.  I simply must eliminate those if the military is to make any use of my formula."  He glanced back at Kid Anarchy.  "Yes, of course I've been conducting experiments -- I have to find a way to perfect the formula before I sell it, don't I?  All in the name of science!"  He glanced back at the officer and added, "Oh, don't worry, it's not a catastrophic reaction.  You should be back to normal in just a few days.  As for Mister Graves, well... things did not go quite according to plan...."

"You are responsible for his disappearance!" Kid Anarchy snarled.  "I knew it!"

"You know nothing," said Julian.  He retrieved the rifle from the nearby table and aimed it at Sargent Godell.  Kid Anarchy yelled and launched himself at the iron bars of his cage.  Julian fired, and the Sargent collapsed.

"You murderer!  To Hades with you!" Kid Anarchy yelled.

"Oh, it's only a tranquilizer dart," said Julian Judas, setting the rifle aside.  "No need to be so dramatic!  I find that they moan and complain and make all sorts of terrible noises, so it's best if they sleep it off.  Not to mention, I've laced this particular dart with an antidote which will return him to normal faster...."

A large raven flew into the room, and landed before the bars of Kid Anarchy's cage.  It dropped a set of keys on the ground, then turned.  Suddenly the creature shifted and grew, morphing into a large, powerful panther.

Julian Judas's face lit up.  "Why, Miss Bloodraven!" he exclaimed.  "I thought you were skulking about, and now you've chosen to grace us with your presence!"  He drew a pistol, aimed, and fired -- but missed the panther.  Instead,  the bullet struck the keys and sent them skittering into the corner, out of the reach of Kid Anarchy.

The panther leaped, but Julian avoided it.  He snatched up his rifle again and fired several shots into the panther.  "I simply must have some tissue samples!" he exclaimed -- but the panther did not even slow down.  It charged again, lashing out with its claws and raking the left arm of the scientist.  Julian cried out in pain and dropped the rifle.  As the panther growled and stalked about him, preparing to strike again, Julian snatched up a vial from the work table and downed the contents in one gulp.

His arms swelled.  His clothing ripped and buttons popped off.  He grew a foot  taller and gained more than a hundred pounds of muscle.  Suddenly the man before them was no mere businessman or scientist, nor even a strongman such as one might see in a carnival -- he was a monstrosity, a human with the strength of a  gorilla.

As the cat leaped, Julian met it with a swing of his fist.  The cat crashed sideways into a workbench, scattering equipment and papers.  One lamp shattered, setting the paperwork on fire.

The cat rolled to its feet and leaped again.  Julian caught it with both hands and redirected it over his head.  The creature crashed into Kid Anarchy's cage, bending the steel bars.

Julian laughed out loud.  "Is this not how it should be?" he exclaimed.  "Man versus beast!  Science versus magic!  I will show you how a superior human intellect can win out over your superstitious mumbo jumbo!"

The big cat launched itself again.  This time, as Julian tried to meet it in the air, it twisted and avoided his grasp.  it sank its teeth into his right shoulder.

In the meantime, Kid Anarchy found that the bars of the cage had been bent just enough that he could squeeze through.  He quickly retrieved the keys and unlocked the second cage.  The thing inside that was the police Sargent stirred.

Julian Judas screamed.  The cat flung him across the room.  The man rolled and came up with his pistol again in his hands.  He fired at the panther, emptying the clip.   The cat appeared unaffected.

The fire was raging now.  Julian backed towards the stairs.  He grabbed a lever on the wall and flipped it.  The heavy steel doors nearby began to open.  A horrible stench filled the room -- stronger even than the smell of smoke and spilled chemicals.  An unearthly moan emanated from the room beyond.

Julian turned and smashed the steps with his massive fists, then leaped to the landing above.  He called down:

"Gods of Hades!  All of my tranquilizer darts, and all of my bullets?  You really are something special, Miss Bloodraven.  Clearly I've made some grave miscalculations and shall have to cut my losses.  I do of course realize what a tired and worn cliche it is for the hero to burn down the innovative and revolutionary scientist's lab, but still, these things do happen.  Oh, but I suppose Kid Anarchy has never even read Mary Shelley?

"In any case, I do believe this is the end.  I shall of course sue the Kid Anarchy estate for damages to recover my costs.  There are many valuable things in this facility which you are in the process of destroying.  In the meantime have fun with Mister Graves -- he had a rather violent reaction to the elixir I'm afraid, and won't be his old self again.  Good day to you!"

By now the steel doors were fully opened, and something emerged amid the smoke and fire -- a creature unlike any of them had ever seen.

It was vaguely humanoid in shape, but stood about ten feet tall.  It had thick leathery skin of a purplish-gray hue.  The legs were like tree trunks, as thick as those of an elephant and with spidery, fleshy roots or tentacles spreading from the base.  The arms likewise had a multitude of rootlike tentacles sprouting from shoulder to wrist; they writhed and wriggled like worms feasting on a carcass.  The face did not look human, nor like any creature known on earth.  The eyes were huge and white, with no pupil, so that the creature appeared to be blind.  The nose was a dangling snout like that of a tapir.  The entire lower jaw and neck area was one large gaping, tooth-filled maw.   There were larger tentacles sprouting from its back as well.  Yellow ichor dripped from every part of its body.  In all, it was impossible to believe that this thing had ever been human.

The stench was unbearable.

"Get the Sargent out," barked Kid Anarchy.  "I'll deal with this thing."

The panther growled.  Kid Anarchy added, "You're injured!  Also, you have the best chance of catching Julian Judas.  I can take it!  Now go!"

The cat snarled again, but turned to the creature that was Sargent Godell who was stumbling towards the broken stairs.  Kid Anarchy grasped a broken table leg and brandished it against Graves.

The creature bellowed.  Kid Anarchy swung with his makeshift club.  The creature caught the club almost casually and flung Kid Anarchy across the room.  He crashed into the broken workbench.

"The Brawler always told me that fighting demons and eldritch horrors was a fool's game," he muttered, climbing to his feet.  "I probably shoulda listened to him...."

Having lost his club, Kid Anarchy grasped the first thing he could find -- which turned out to be the small demon statue.  It was squat and ugly, but heavy.

The creature swung again.  Kid Anarchy ducked below the punch and darted around the creature.  Leaping up, he brought the statue down on the creature's skull.

The statue shattered.  The creature spun and knocked Kid Anarchy a dozen feet across the floor.  Unnoticed in the increasingly smoke-filled room, wisps of smoke arose from the shattered statue.  Moments later, as Kid Anarchy was again knocked into a wall, a sharp-dressed man appeared.  He had red skin and small yellow-white horns jutting from his forehead, and closely-cropped black hair with a beard that came to a point.

He watched as Kid Anarchy was again launched across the room.  By now nearly everything in the place was on fire.

"You have my thanks for freeing me from my prison," the newcomer said.  "However, I must inform you that this favor is given freely of your own will, and was not requested or coerced on my part, nor does this favor confer upon me any need to provide a reciprocal boon in return, nor does this in any way constitute an agreement of any kind between us.  In short, I owe you nothing, and have agreed to nothing."

"Got it," Kid Anarchy grunted.  He peered at the newcomer through the smoke.  "Are you a demon?"

"I am indeed," said  the demon, "and in anticipation of your next question, no, this monstrosity is not.  I have no idea what this thing is...."

"A human who's been transformed with an elixir," said Kid Anarchy.  "Can you kill it or stop it somehow?"

"Really," said the demon, "do I look like that sort of demon?"

Kid Anarchy ducked another swing from the monster.  "You look like a lawyer," he said.

"Indeed," said the demon.  "I am Malevolent P. Brimstone, a partner of Maxwell, Screwtape, Brimstone and Wormwood, which is a fully-staffed and thoroughly modern demonic law office operating on the mortal plane...."

Once again the creature's massive fist slammed into Kid Anarchy, who bounced off the wall.  His lungs were on fire, as was the sleeve of his shirt.  He tried to stand, but the room swam before his eyes.  Just before he passed out he saw the blur of a black panther charging into the room and at the monstrosity.

***

Kid Anarchy awoke on the lawn outside the house.  Red lights were flashing, and firemen were dousing the building with water.  Miss Bloodraven was leaning over him, a look of concern in her eyes.

"Julian Judas?" Kid Anarchy asked.

"He escaped," she replied.  "When under the influence of his potion he's very fast."

"The creature?  Mister Graves?"

"Dead," she said.  "I've spoken to the police and the fire chief;  they'll simply tell the family that he perished in the flames.  But Sargent  Godell is fine -- he's back to himself."

"What about the demon?" asked Kid Anarchy.

"Mal?  He left his card," she said.  "He says he can defend you in any lawsuit regarding the destruction of villainous laboratories -- but that you would need to discuss compensation first, as he does not work pro bono.  However, as his first customer in over a hundred years he said he could extend an offer of a special incentive program...."

Kid Anarchy stared at the card.

"Y'know, my mentor the Gentleman Brawler always told me to never make a deal with a demon," he said.  "But I've never listened to anything he said, and I'm going to need a good lawyer...."

FINI