Grimdark Wonderland
Mark A Davis
267
Grandpa Anarchy, world's oldest hero, slammed shut the car hood. "Well, that's just great!" he exclaimed. "That's just fine and dandy! We're stuck in Dystopian Oz and the engine's dead on the Austin Martin. Where are we gonna find a mechanic in
this place, I wonder?"
Grandpa wore his customary rumpled gray suit with the anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast. His sidekick was a young, muscular boy with dark hair who was dressed head to toe in red spandex. He could wield weapons of fire, and called himself Red Hawt. Their car was pulled up at the side of a country road. The surrounding fields of grass and wild flowers with wooden fences would have not looked out of place in Midwest America, except that virtually everything was some shade of blue. Blue birds chirped and flew overhead. Blue rabbits scurried into the blue bramblebriars. Blue deer bounded across a blue field and disappeared into blue woods.
"All I wanted today was a nice, peaceful drive in the Pennsylvania countryside," Grandpa moaned. "Damn those magical hurricanes, always picking you up and dropping you randomly into some damned fairyland!"
"Lucky for us the car still worked after we fell from the sky," said Red Hawt. "That Munchkin mob wanted to string us up for crushing their Witch-Queen."
"I
told you this was a bad scene," said Grandpa. "It's all dark and gritty. Munchkin townsfolk ain't supposed to have so many tattoos and facial scars. We need to find our way out
now. If there's
one rule I live by, it's this:
no gritty Oz adventures! I ain't having with no Grimdark Distopian Emerald City. Nothing good comes of that. You never know who the good guys or the bad guys are. The Scarecrow is going to be a leader of some revolutionary front, the Wizard of Oz will be an amoral a-hole dictator more crooked than any modern politician, the Tin Man's gonna be a cyber soldier with trust issues, and everything's gonna devolve into chaos quicker than you can click your silver heels together three times and say
there's no place like home."
"Don't you mean ruby heels, sir?" asked Red Hawt.
"That's all
you know!" Grandpa snarled. "In the book they were silver shoes, not ruby slippers!"
"Really?" Red Hawt lifted one of his feet, displaying unlaced silver boots with air-cushioned soles. "That explains the silver Doc Martens, then...."
"Dang straight," said Grandpa. "Now, if we can
just find a way out of this place...."
As he spoke, a strange vehicle descended towards them from high in the sky. It appeared to be two low couches tied together with rope. There was a mounted animal head stuck to the front, and large palm fronds attached to the sides that seemed to serve as wings. It landed on the road beside them, scattering blue dust.
Seated inside the contraption were several strange people. One was a muscular man made of shiny metal. He wielded a gatling gun. The second was a scarecrow -- a man made of straw, with a burlap sack for a head and a painted-on face. By his expression he appeared to be quite insane. There was some kind of giant insect, dressed in a suit and tie, and a man made of sticks with a carved pumpkin for a head. He was permanently frowning. Finally there was a boy with long, dark curls who was dressed in black ruffled panties, stocking with garters, and a corset in black and red. He looked like a miniature Doctor Frank-n-Furter.
"You need a lift?" asked the boy. The scarecrow screamed with sudden, hysterical laughter.
"That would be a definite
no," said Grandpa Anarchy.
The boy grinned, and produced an old-fashioned copper pump sprayer. "Oh, it
wasn't a request," he said. A noxious cloud of green gas spewed forth, enveloping both heroes.
***
When Grandpa came to, he was tied to a chair in a darkened room -- a one-room cottage with stone walls and a thatched roof. There was a fireplace and a table and chairs nearby, with a burning candle in the center. The Tin Man was here, seated at the table with the giant insect and the boy in drag. The scarecrow and the pumpkin-headed thing were standing in a corner as far from any open flame as possible. There was also an old crone that Grandpa had not seen before, seated on the floor before the fire. The place smelled of smoke, cloves, and a sticky-sweet incense that Grandpa assumed came from the candle.
His sidekick Red Hawt was tied down to a bed in one corner of the room. A floor-length mirror hung on the wall nearby.
The crone glowered. "Good," she said. "You're awake. Now we can proceed with the enchantment...."
Grandpa struggled against his bindings. "What the Hades? What's this about?" he demanded.
"What is this about?" the boy in drag repeated. "I'll
tell you what this is about, old man. This is revolution! We're the vanguard of an army that's going to overthrow the Queen...."
"Spare me the details," Grandpa said. "I don't care. It's Twisted Oz. I'm sure the Wizard of Oz is in league with the Wicked Witch of the West or some other sort of tomfoolery...."
"The Wizard of Oz? The Wicked Witch of the West?" said the boy. "Queen Dorothy of Kansas slew them both, years ago. She rules this land with an iron fist, and the aid of her army of winged monkeys...."
"Still don't care!" Grandpa said. "Details ain't important. You could be the Long Lost Fairy Princess of Oz for all I care...."
"Oh Darling, I
know I'm the princess," said the boy. "Mombi here transformed me when I was a baby. But I like being a boy so nobody's going to change me back. My name's Tip. This is the witch who raised me, known as Old Mombi. You've met my companions -- the Scarecrow...." Here the scarecrow laughed again like a hyena. "You'll have to forgive him, he has no brain," said the boy. "This here is the Tin Man, who seeks the one who ripped out his heart...."
"I'm gonna pump her full of lead!" the Tin Man vowed.
"The others are Jack Pumpkinhead, and the Wogglebug...."
"Highly Magnified," said the insect, "and Thoroughly Educated in the Ways and Means of Revolution! Power to the people, that's what I say!"
"You see," said Tip, "it's well known that Princess Ozma is the rightful ruler of Oz. If we can produce her, the masses will unite behind our revolution and we will sweep into the Emerald City and depose that foreign Queen! We've been
searching for a boy to become Princess Ozma, and your sidekick here fits the bill
perfectly...."
"I?" cried Red Hawt. "Why, I'm no Princess Ozma -- I'm not a girl!"
"You are not a girl just
now," said Tip with a sneer, "but once Mombi is through with you, you won't remember being anything else!"
Red Hawt cursed and fought against the ropes that bound him. Mombi produced a satchel of dried herbs and tossed it into the fire. The blaze burned brightly. She scattered a handful of magic powder over the flames, and a rich violet vapor with a strong lavender scent filled the room. Amid the haze, the witch chanted in words none understood, and bent her body back and forth over the fire....
"No!" Red Hawt exclaimed, struggling in vain. "I'm a boy! I am RED HAWT!"
Fire erupted from the boy's hands. In seconds the ropes were burned through. Even as the boy's facial features began to shift and morph, his hair growing longer and fairer, he leaped to Grandpa's chair and slashed the ropes with a blade of fire.
"Stop them!" Tip exclaimed. Mombie was still chanting. The Tin Woodsman leaped to his feet.
"This way!" called a feminine voice. Reflected in the mirror was a young girl with blonde hair in a full-skirted dress of red and black. Hearts decorated the front of the dress and the hem and sleeves. There was blood on the dress, and on an oversized kitchen knife she wielded in one hand.
"Wait," said Grandpa, "that's...."
With one hand grasping Grandpa's wrist, Red Hawt reached through the mirror to grasp the girl's extended palm. In moments both were drawn through and into another world.
***
"Excuse me," said the girl in the blood-spattered dress. She shoved past them and smashed the mirror with her knife. Grandpa caught a momentary glance of Mombi and the Tin Woodsman charging towards the mirror, and then it was shattered into a million shards.
They were in a grassy clearing in the middle of the forest. For no apparent reason, the mirror had been hanging from a tree. Nearby was a table with chairs and a tea set. There was a bed and a wardrobe and a vanity -- everything one might want in a girl's bedroom, save for the room itself.
Grandpa Anarchy frowned, looking about. "I hope you realize," he said, "that this is Dystopian Wonderland. If there's one thing that's worse than a Grimdark Oz -- if there's
just one thing -- then it's a Grimdark Wonderland. That place was always a drug-induced nightmare hallucination at the
best of times. You add grimdark to it, the results ain't pretty. We've basically leaped from the frying pan into the fire."
"But at least I'm not a... girl?" Red Hawt replied. He placed a hand to his throat, for his voice was high and feminine. His neck was slender and smooth, with no adam's apple; his face was that of a young girl, framed by long blonde hair. However, the spandex outfit he wore left no doubt that he was still male.
Grandpa looked him up and down. "Well," he said, "you're
mostly intact. If nothing else, you can moonlight as the hero of a Japanese girl's comic. Just try not to speak." He turned to the one who'd rescued them. "My name is Grandpa Anarchy, and this is my sidekick Red Hawt. You're Alice, and this is Twisted Wonderland. Where's the nearest exit?"
"The nearest exit to where?" asked Alice. She was staring at Red Hawt in wonder.
"To anywhere," said Grandpa. "We don't care where."
"Then it doesn't matter which exit you take," said Alice absently. "They all go
somewhere." She looked at Red Hawt and added, "You -- you're a boy -- but you have my face."
"No I don't..." Red Hawt began, before the sound of his voice once again caused him to stop speaking. But it was true. Red Hawt didn't just have the face and hair of a girl -- his face was identical to that of Alice.
"Why, you even sound like me!" Alice said in amazement.
Red Hawt picked up a fragment of mirror and stared into it. He raised an eyebrow. "It's not the girlish face I mind so much," he said, "but I'd like my own voice back, or at least something
halfway masculine...."
"It's sympathetic transformational magic," said Grandpa. "That's my best guess. You were being magically transformed into a girl, and you grabbed her hand. The enchantment only affected your face and hair, but -- it copied the face and hair of Alice Liddell."
Alice glared at Grandpa. "You know my name?" she asked.
"Course I do!" Grandpa replied. "These days you can't walk three feet without tripping over a Twisted Wonderland story, and Alice Lidell is
always at the center of it all. Let me guess: the Queen of Hearts is a tyrant who does a lot more than just go around saying 'off with her head'. Or is it the Red Queen that's in charge this time? People get them confused, but one's a card, the other's a chess piece."
"Something
other than the Red Queen or the Queen of Hearts is corrupting Wonderland this time," said Alice absently. She was still staring at Red Hawt. "You know, you're
just about my height as well," she said. "You're muscular, but not
too large, I think...."
"Too large for what?" asked the boy.
Alice's knife glowed blue. She slashed downward. Red Hawt leaped back. The blade did not come close to touching him, but nevertheless, his spandex suit was shredded. It fell off him in ribbons, leaving the boy naked.
Alice's eyes went wide in mock surprise. "Oh my!" she exclaimed, placing her hands to the sides of her face. "How
clumsy of me! That's entirely
my mistake! Please forgive me! I take
full responsibility! Do you have any other clothing? No? Well then, let's find something
else for you to wear! Can't have a boy running around in Wonderland naked, after all!" She turned to the wardrobe, and then turned back. There was a smirk on her face. "Unfortunately," she said, "the only thing I can offer is one of my dresses.... I really do apologize! Luckily with
that face, you won't seem out of place at all!"
***
"Any particular reason you wanted a body double?" asked Grandpa Anarchy.
It had been a struggle, but with the aid of a tightly-laced corset they'd managed to fit the boy into one of Alice's dresses. His shoulders were too wide and the sleeves were tight around the arms, but for the most part it worked -- and when you stepped back to take in the overall look, and made allowances for his slouch and scowl, he really
did look like a near-twin of Alice.
In the meantime, an evil-looking cat had appeared. Literally -- it had faded into view, starting with its maniacal grin. Grandpa recognized it as the Cheshire Cat, but didn't acknowledge it.
"You'll have to forgive the blood stains," said Alice. "
All of my dresses have that."
The boy stared down at the dress in despair. "I don't think..." Red Hawt began.
"Then don't speak," Alice replied. She tied his hair back with a large ribbon and bow. "There! Aside from the silver Doc Martens, it's almost perfect! You look
just like me! Even my own mother would have trouble telling us apart! If, that is...." A dark look crossed Alice's face. "If she were still alive...."
"I don't
want to look like you!" the boy exclaimed. "I want to look like
me! -- the me I was yesterday!"
"Well, there's no use wishing to return to yesterday," said Alice. "You were a different person then." Again the dark look crossed her face. "Believe me," she whispered, "if I could go back even
one month into the past...."
After a moment she glanced up into the overhead branches. She frowned. She produced her knife and hurled it straight up. There was a scream, and a bird fell to the ground, skewered through by the blade. Alice stepped on the bird and pulled her knife free, then wiped it on her dress.
"Spies of the Puppet Maker," she muttered. She glanced at Grandpa and added, "I have a lot of people who want me dead. Having a body double certainly increases my chances of living, don't you think?"
"You dressed me up -- so people could
shoot at me?" Red Hawt exclaimed. "That's madness!"
"Of
course it is," said the Cheshire Cat. "This is
Wonderland, after all. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad. You'd have to be, to come here."
"This is nice an all," said Grandpa, "but we really don't plan on staying that long...."
"Nonsense!" exclaimed Alice. "I rescued you two for a reason. You're heroes, is that not correct? I need your help to defeat the Puppet Maker...."
"Don't care," said Grandpa. "I don't
do Dystopian Wonderland. Now, if you could
just point us towards an exit...."
Soldiers charged into the clearing. They were short and made of wood, with ball joined arms and legs, but they were dressed in smart military uniforms and wielded rifles with bayonets. There were dozens of them. Grandpa knew when not to try and punch his way out of a situation. He raised his hands slowly. The Cheshire Cat faded from view.
"Alice Liddell!" barked one soldier. "You're under arrest by order of the Puppet Maker...." His voice trailed off as he stared at what appeared to be two identical girls.
"I'm not Alice," said the one on the left. "
She is."
"
I'm not Alice,
she is," said the one on the right.
"I'm not even a she!" the first exclaimed.
The soldiers looked momentarily confused. "Well?" demanded the leader. "Arrest them both! We'll sacrifice one to the Encompassing Madness, and the other can serve as the bride of the Puppet Maker!"
Just then, Grandpa spied something striding through the trees on rubbery stilts. It was a bed, out for a stroll on very long legs. His eyes grew wide. He swept his sidekick into his arms and with one leap, cleared the circle of wooden soldiers. Gunfire erupted, followed by shouts and barked orders. Grandpa ran through the woods towards the walking bed. "I know a Little Nemo reference when I see one!" he exclaimed. "I'll take Windsor McKay over this crap any day!
Nobody does Grimdark Little Nemo!"
He reached the bed, which towered over them. With a bound he grasped the bed rail and pulled the two of them up. He tossed Red Hawt onto the bed, then scrambled up after.
Moments later, the woods around them faded. The air grew very chill, and then bitter cold. They found themselves striding over a wintry landscape. Up ahead they saw a brilliant palace, set before a frozen lake. At first it seemed to be made of marble or crystal, but as they drew nearer, they realized it was made of ice. There were tall columns of ice, wide panes of ice like glass, stairways and chandeliers of ice, and fountains of frozen water glittering in the light. In the center of the palace was a pole of ice with circular steps curling around it. It seemed to rise at least a thousand feet into the air.
"The North Pole!" Grandpa exclaimed. "It's the Palace of Jack Frost!" He did a sort of jig, while remaining seated on the bed. "I
told you I knew what I was doing! It's Little Nemo in Slumberland for sure! We're safe here --
nobody messes Windsor McKay up!"
Soldiers streamed out of the palace, leading ice wolves and polar bears. The animals had heavy harnesses with cruel spikes and stylized skull emblems, also carved from ice. Ice elephants followed, with massive spiked harnesses. Astride one was a tall imp who appeared to be entirely made of icicles.
"Strange travelers! Surrender at once!" the icicle man exclaimed. "Jack Frost the Emperor of the realm will decide your fate! If you are found to be spies, you will be executed!"
Grandpa frowned. "No," he whispered. "Not
Slumberland too. Grimdark Slumberland? This is all wrong! Who would do such a thing? Whoever it is deserves a good punch in the face!"
By now the army had surrounded them. "Surrender or be destroyed!" the icicle man demanded. Grandpa Anarchy sighed. "Well," he said, "the one good thing about Slumberland is that you can always escape by falling out of bed and waking up...." Saying so, Grandpa rolled over and off the bed, plummeting to the icy ground below. After a moment, his sidekick shrugged and followed suit.
Grandpa Anarchy found himself on the floor beside his bed. There was a thump from the room next door -- the one usually occupied by his current sidekick. Grandpa got up and stepped out of his room to find Alice in the hallway -- at least, it
looked like Alice.
They were in the Anarchy Mansion. Here were the stairs leading down from the second floor to the entry way. Below were the large front doors, and the entrance to the living room with the couches and the television. Down there also was was the entrance to the kitchen. At the landing halfway down, hanging on the wall, was a picture of Grandpa Anarchy fighting Doctor Zero Hour and his giant Atomic Zombie.
"Ha!" Grandpa crowed. "See? Didn't I say? Fall out of bed and wake up! That's how Little Nemo
always left Slumberland!" He danced a little jig, then paused. "Mind you, the Aston Martin's stuck on a Munchkin road back in Oz. Annie's going to be really
pissed about that one."
"Annie?" asked the sidekick.
"Annie Two, short for Anarchy Computer Mark Two," said Grandpa. "You've met her."
Alice frowned. "This is your mansion, then?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Grandpa replied. "Of
course it's my mansion! You act like you've never been here before!"
"I haven't," said the girl.
"Don't be stupid," said Grandpa. "You
look like Alice, but you're really my sidekick, Red Hawt...."
Alice smiled. She held up a massive kitchen knife, carved with magical runes. "Guess again, old man. I don't have silver Doc Martens, but I
do have the Vorpal Blade," she said with a smirk.
***
In a castle in Wonderland, Red Hawt stared into the smoldering eyes of the man who called himself the Puppet Maker. He'd been expecting a Geppetto-like figure -- a wrinkled, old man. Instead the ruler was young and very handsome, with dark hair and a bare, muscular chest.
"I'm sorry," Red Hawt said. "You want me to
what?"
"To be my bride," said the Puppet Master. "Come, dear Alice, it's not such a hard concept to grasp. You know I've pursued you for several years now. If you don't consent, I shall be forced to
execute you...."
Red Hawt stared down at his silver Doc Martens, and then back up at the evil overlord -- the
very hot evil overlord.
"Okay," he said. "In that case, I do!" And he leaned in for a kiss.
FINI
