Take Me To The Ripper

Take Me To The Ripper

Mark A Davis

005B

Grandpa Anarchy opened his eyes.  He was lying on the floor, he had a splitting headache, and a metallic spider was staring at him.  It clung to the ceiling overhead.

"Are you awake, Sir?"  The voice was that of a young woman.  Grandpa turned his head to see his current sidekick, Circuit Girl.   She wore white tights and a green leotard with a circuit board pattern across the front.  There were poofy sleeves, an attached skirt, green go go boots, and a tiara with flashing lights and microchips.  Behind her a seven-foot robot clutched the arms of a short, balding man in a nice suit.  He looked to be in his 40's, had a pot belly, and thick glasses.  More spidery robots stood at the ready, lasers trained on him.

"Forgive me for striking you, Mr. Anarchy," the man said.  "It was the only way."

Grandpa rubbed the back of his head.  "Oh, that smarts!"  He glared at the man.  "Alan Van Ophoven, wasn't it?  I was showing you and your companion around the Anarchy mansion...."  Grandpa's gaze  traveled to the corner of the room where stood something like a doorway made of steel, wire, and 1940's electronics.  The lights on it were flashing.  "Oh no... tell me she didn't...."

"That's right, Sir," said Circuit Girl.  "Ms. Serena Joyce Post, noted Ripperologist and author of The Real Jack:  Unmasked Again At last and also The Whitechappel Murders Solved Yet Again, For Real This Time has used your time doorway to travel back to London in 1888."

"Crap," said Grandpa.  "This again?"

Circuit Girl raised an eyebrow.  "This has happened before, Sir?"

"Only a half dozen times, at least," Grandpa replied.  "Everyone wants to go back in time and solve that mystery."

"Forgive me," Mr. Van Ophoven said, "but everyone knows that Grandpa Anarchy has a time door in his mansion, and...."

"Not anymore!" Grandpa swore.  "Soon as we get your friend back I'm having that thing dismantled!"

"But Mr. Anarchy, the world must know who Jack the Ripper really was!"

"Who he really was?" Grandpa shouted, throwing up his hands.  "Who he really was?  I'll tell you who he really was!  He wasn't anyone.  He was just some crazy lunatic serial murderer!  Those guys are a dime a dozen.  Every time I turn around I'm bumping into a new Jack the Ripper!"

"Mr. Anarchy," said Alan Van Ophoven, "I have studied the Whitechappel Murders all of my life.  I've authored three books on the subject.  I'm well aware that there were more prolific murderers, even operating at the same time as Jack the Ripper, but it's this case that's captured the imagination of the public, so that people are still trying to solve it more than 100 years after the fact.  Did you know that there have been more than one hundred theories on who Jack the Ripper really was?  Men have gone mad trying to figure it out!  Hillard Watkins is just one example; his ripper obsession drove him insane back in 1978.  My own current pet theory is that he was an alien gray from space...."

Grandpa Anarchy nodded.  Circuit Girl stepped out of the room.  Grandpa stepped into a closet.  "Makes sense," he called out.  "Grays like to mutilate animals, no reason to think they wouldn't mutilate humans.  Never met a gray who didn't enjoy a good mutilation."

"Exactly!" Alan exclaimed.  "But Serena was a convert of Jill the Ripper -- that the Whitechapel Murderer was a woman."

"I've fought a few Jill the Rippers in my time, too," Grandpa said.

"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself believed that it was a woman," added Mr. Van Ophoven.  "There are several that have been suggested as the murderer -- Mary Pearcey, Constance Kent, Helena Blavatsky, even Lizzie Halliday -- but evidence to link them is nonexistent.  Really, most of the evidence was either ignored, mishandled, or later lost or destroyed -- the only way to ever know the truth  these days is to go back in time and witness the events yourself."

"And your friend Mary had done just that," said Grandpa.  "Of course."

"That's right.  Serena desperately wanted to prove her theory.  And, of course, I'm interested myself -- even if I think the grays did it, it's still just a theory.  I want to know the truth.  So I helped her."

"Always leave messing up history to the professionals," Grandpa said  He emerged from the closet dressed in the suit of a man from the 19th century.  "I kept several suits from my mentor, the Gentleman Brawler.  Of course, I wouldn't wear a suit more than a hundred years old, but this one is based on what he wore back then."  Circuit Girl entered the room, dressed like a boy from the 1880's, and lugging a large carpet bag.  "Ready, Circuit Girl?" Grandpa asked.  He frowned, staring at her.  "Why're you dressed like that?"

"Call me John," she said.  "It may  take more than a single day to track Ms. Post down, and a man living with a young boy is far less likely to raise questions than would a man with a young woman.  As well, I've retrofitted some of my best bots for a 19th century steampunk look -- I assume a boy engineer will stand out less than a woman would."

"Hmm," said Grandpa.  "You're right, as usual.  Well, let's get going."

They stepped to the doorway in the corner.  There was a clock attached to the frame on one side, with multiple dials and a readout displaying current date and target date along with coordinates.  Circuit Girl set the target time and coordinates and locked them in.  The air between the door frame began to glow and spark, and then they were looking onto a dingy Victorian London alleyway.

"You're just going to leave me here?" asked Mr. Van Ophoven, still held tight by the robot.

Grandpa looked over his shoulder.  "Sure," he said.  "If we're successful, we'll be back before you can count to ten."

"And if you're not successful?"

"Well," said Grandpa, "then you and this whole mansion might cease to exist."  Laughing, Grandpa and Circuit Girl stepped through the doorway.



Five seconds later, the two stepped back through the doorway into the room.  They wore different clothing and looked different -- Circuit Girl looked older, with shorter hair, while Grandpa had an impressive mustache.  Between them they held a woman with wire-rim glasses and graying hair, wearing a full dress of faded blue.  Her hands were handcuffed.

"Well, that's six months of my life that I'll never get back," said Grandpa.  "Right!  I want that time portal disassembled by this time tomorrow!"

"I'll see to it, Sir," Circuit Girl replied.

Mr. Van Ophoven blinked in surprise.  "You're back already?  And you've brought back Ms. Post.  Did you find out who Jack the Ripper was, then?"

"You don't know?" Grandpa replied.  "Good!  That means we didn't mess up history.  Unless everyone always knew who the killer was before we went back?"

"Sir, there would have been no reason to go back, if that was the case," said Circuit Girl.

"Right," said Grandpa.  "Of course!  Anyway, she didn't just find out, she practically interrupted the murder of the first victim...."

"It was the Pole -- Kominski," Serena said.  "He ran as soon as he saw me -- he didn't even mutilate the body!  It was supposed to be a woman!  I was furious -- but I knew I'd messed up  time by interrupting him, so I tried to fix it.  I mutilated the corpse myself, then I tracked Kominski down and confronted him.  He killed himself the very next day."

Alan blinked.  "But then... the other murders...."

"I set out to do them all myself," she said.  "What else could I do?"

"Unfortunately, for Ms. Post," said Grandpa, "She found that others had beaten her to it.  You see, in 1978 noted ripperologist Hillard Watkins went back in time and interrupted Kominski before he murdered Mary Jane Kelly.  Watkins finished the job, and Kominski committed suicide.  Then in 1985 ripperologist Napoleon Walter Callas went back in time and ultimately murdered Catherine Eddowes, fourth of the five canonical victims.  In a similar fashion Vlastislav Zdráhal, famous Czech ripperologist, is responsible for the murder of Elizabeth Stride, and in 2009 ripperologist Steffan Trevor went back and murdered Annie Chapman."  Grandpa frowned and added, "We had a devil of a time tracking down Ms. Post while avoiding the four other me's with their four other sidekicks."

"Each time, Mr. Kominski thought he'd been found out and he committed suicide -- once for each murder.  If you ask me, justice has ultimately been served."  He looked a Mr. Van Ophoven and added, "You said that several ripperologists had been driven mad by their obsession.  Five, in fact, counting Ms. Serena Joyce Post.  Where she's going she'll have plenty of time to write, but as the others have discovered, a ripper autobiography only proves you're not sane."

"But... the other victims?" asked Mr. Van Ophoven.  "Some of us think the ripper -- that is, apparently Kominski -- was responsible for other murders in London at that time...."

"The world will never know," Grandpa replied.  He leaned in and added, "And I know you're considering it, Mr. Van Ophoven, but I don't suggest you try me on that.  I really don't."

FINI