Market Crash

Market Crash

Mark A Davis

283

The villain known as the Malevolent Marketeer was a tall, thin man who dressed like a 19th-century railroad tycoon in a turn-of-the-century suit and tie with a tall stovepipe hat.  He had a walrus mustache and a monocle on a gold chain.  He would not have looked out of place among the Jay Goulds, J.P. Morgans, Andrew Carnegies, John D. Rockefellers, Cornelius Vanderbilts and Henry Fords of the past, save that he was currently waving about an uzi atop an in-motion roller coaster.

"Blood sport!" the villain exclaimed.  "Blood sport, my good man!  Did you never wonder where the terms bull market and bear market come from?  Long ago people would pit bulls against bears in battle.  The bear swipes down with his paws!  The bull swings up with his horns!  People bet on the outcome!

"That is, of course, only one theory of where those terms come from, but a compelling one nonetheless!  The truth may never be known, but we do know that bull versus bear fights were a thing!  In this fight, I am the bull and you are the bear!"

The roller coaster sailed down a steep hill and around the bend.  It was newly built, but designed like the rides from a hundred years ago -- all white wooden trestles and nary a loop de loop in sight.  Grandpa Anarchy, world's oldest hero, clung to one of cars as he waited for an opportunity to land a punch.  He was dressed as always in a rumpled gray suit with a silver anarchy symbol stitched over the left breast.  His current sidekick Highsis clung to a car behind him, braided black hair and short white dress buffeted by the wind.  There was a Wesekh collar of gold and turquoise around her throat, and a distinctive gold amulet on a circlet about her forehead.  Her smartphone was raised.

"Why do I always get the lunatics who think that fighting atop a moving roller coaster is a good idea?" Grandpa muttered.  He leaned into a sharp turn.

"Come, Mr. Anarchy," the villain called out.  "We both know that you haven't had a good roller coaster battle since that insane clown archvillain of yours passed away.  Carnival Act was the name, I believe?  But consider:  the up and down ride is the perfect metaphor for one who plays the market.  That is why I chose this place to do battle!"

Highsis exclaimed, "You built this stupid carnival just so you could have a battle in it?"  The villain laughed madly.

"I should've known when they wanted to build a Wall Street-themed carnival that something was up," Grandpa muttered.  "Enough of this tomfoolery!  Tell us where you hid the bombs!"

"I am the tidal wave of unfettered capitalism, which washes away regulation and market reform!" the Malevolent Marketeer exclaimed.  "I am Wall Street greed incarnate, with free reign to destroy your savings and ruin your economies.  I am the Bernie Nadoff of the financial world...."

"Bernie Nadoff is the Bernie Nadoff of the financial world," Highsis replied.

"Then I am the Mike Tyson of the financial world!" the villain exclaimed.  "I knock out every enemy I face!"

"Mike Tyson was pretty terrible at finances..." Highsis noted.

"Enough!" Grandpa yelled.  "What's your game, Marketeer?  You seem too intelligent for a random bomber.  What's in it for you?  How do you benefit?  Tell me where these bombs are!"

The villain smirked.  "Were you aware, Mr. Anarchy, that your very battles with your villainous foes affect the stock market?  When Doctor Totengräber threatens the New York water supply, prices on bottle water soar.  When Death Medal threatens to destroy the world via a book of magic, bookstore stocks drop.  When Baron Climate Change threatens to drill a hole in San Francisco Bay, tourism in the Bay Area suffers, but stocks in renewable energies climb.  Why, even your previous battles with Carnival Act atop roller coasters and otherwise set in old carnivals -- when those are broadcast on the news, theme park attendance goes down!

"What I'm saying is, a man who knows these things can benefit.  A man who knows which companies are about to suffer catastrophic losses via some villain's bombing campaign stands to make a great deal of money!"  The villain spread his arms and added, "And yet you ask me what my motivation is?"

"You'll never get away with it!" Grandpa snarled.  "The market is good at catching those who trade on inside information!"

"They're remarkably bad at it, to be honest," replied the Malevolent Marketeer.  "Small wonder since most of them are complicit to some degree.  Do you think I have not taken steps to hide my identity?  Do you think that I have not hidden my trail through the use of multiple pawns, unknowing associates, fake accounts and dummy companies?  They can try to track me down, but I assure you my secrets are safe!

"The best part about my plan?" asked the Malevolent Marketeer.  "At the same time, I can ruin your retirement accounts!  Kiss your hard earned savings goodbye, Grandpa Anarchy!"

"My retirement plan?"  Grandpa Anarchy shrugged.  "I ain't got one.  Don't plan to ever retire."

The villain frowned.  "Fine then.  I will ruin your bank accounts...."

"I keep most of my money hidden in jars around my property," Grandpa said.  "Haven't trusted banks ever since the Knickerbocker Crisis of 1907."

"Surely you must have some investments?" asked the Malevolent Marketeer.  "Grandpa Anarchy is a powerful brand.  I know you make money off of movie and merchandise royalties."

"Yes, I do," said Grandpa.

"Fine," said the villain.  "then I will ruin....."

"All of those finances are handled by a demonic law firm," Grandpa added.

As the roller coaster crested another hill, Grandpa Anarchy leaped.  As the coaster descended, he fell even faster.  He flew straight the villain, his fist connecting with the Marketeer's chin.  The villain was knocked out cold before he could topple over.

At the same time, High Sis called out, "O Zephyr weed which makes me high, lift me up so I can fly!"  She was lifted up into the wind, one hand still clutching the phone.  Grandpa and the Marketeer flew off the trolly, but the sidekick exclaimed, "O purple haze, all in my brain, grant me control of wind and rain!"  A lavender-tinted wind lifted the hero and villain up and set them gently on the ground.

***

A week later Grandpa Anarchy was in the kitchen making strawberry pancakes, when his sidekick -- in her civilian disguise as archaeology student Adoree Thompson -- appeared.  "Good news, Grandpa!" she said.  She was staring at her smartphone.  "You remember that video I made of our fight atop the roller coaster?  It went viral!  We've got five million hits on Youtube in just a week!"

Grandpa Anarchy nodded.  "You know, Warren Buffett always said that the most important investment you can make is in yourself.  I might take his words more literally than most, but you can't argue with results.  Sales of Grandpa Anarchy products are up 20% across the board, and my stock in Grandpa Anarchy Inc. is through the roof.  That's one market tip that even the Malevolent Marketeer missed!"

FINI