Silence Is Golden

Silence Is Golden

Mark A Davis

291

The villain known as the Holy Terror spread his arms wide, holding his antipapal ferula with its skull motif up to the sky.  He wore a demonic skull mask and a tall pope's hat.  His robes billowed in the evening breeze.  The colors were black and red, sprinkled liberally with skulls.  Behind him stood a terminator-style robot with a titanium skull.  It wore a wide-brimmed, tasseled galero hat of red.

The villain floated up into the air, ten feet above the rooftop of a downtown Frosthaven NJ building.  "Before I end your miserable life, Grandpa Anarchy," the villain exclaimed, "allow me to lay out for you my devious master plan."

"Don't care," Grandpa Anarchy replied.  He drew a pistol and emptied his clip into the robot, but the bullets bounced off.  Grandpa Anarchy was the oldest active hero in the world.  As usual he wore a gray suit, wrinkled and unkempt, with a silver anarchy symbol stitched over the left breast.

"My ultimate goal is, of course, world conquest," the Holy Terror said.  "But first I must control New Jersey, and use it as a platform to infiltrate and take over New York and its financial centers.  As everyone knows, Grandpa Anarchy is based in New Jersey, and his super hero team the League of Two-Fisted Justice has its headquarters in New York, so my first step was to lure you out into an open confrontation...."

"Still don't care," Grandpa said.  He traded blows with the robot, which knocked him across the rooftop and into a ventilator.

Grandpa's sidekick fired dual pistols at the robot, which had no more effect than Grandpa's had.  His sidekick was a young catgirl -- a human woman with tabby fur covering her body and a catlike face, cat ears, and a tail.  She'd paid to have her body transformed by magic, and was dressed like a cowboy-themed stripper in a black bikini with a fringed vest, cowboy boots, cowboy hat, and a twin pistol gun belt.

"Use some of your magic bullets, Kitty Kitty Bang Bang!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "That terminator bot is impervious to the regular kind!"

"The first step," said the Holy Terror, "was to rob the Second National Bank of Frosthaven, and to leave a message intended solely for you.  Of course, I had Cardinal Deathbot lying in wait to spring my trap...."

"Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!" Grandpa Anarchy exclaimed as he grappled with the robot.  "How many first steps have you got?  Will you just shut up already?  Nobody cares about your stupid plan!"

The deathbot lifted Grandpa in the air and tossed him off the roof.  At the last second Grandpa produced a grappling gun and fired.  The claw wrapped about a roof antenna as Grandpa disappeared from view, then the rope went tight.

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang finished reloading her six shooters.  She took aim at the robot and fired.  A bright explosion ripped Cardinal Deathbot in two.

"Nyaa!  Explosive rounds, yes!" the catgirl exclaimed.  "Magically charged and equal to one kilogram of TNT!"

The villain pursed his lips.  "What?  Dead already?  I wasn't even done with the explanation of my plan...."

Grandpa Anarchy scrambled back up onto the roof.  "Listen," he said, "I get it.  Everyone wants to show off how smart they are.  Well, guess what?  The fact that we're fighting means you've already failed.  I'm the hero, Son, and the hero always wins.  Always.  Trust me, I've been doing this a hundred years, and if we reach the point where you reveal your big plan, then you're doomed to fail.

"All you villains talk too much, you know that?  Every danged one of you.  One day I'm going to meet an enemy that never says nothing, and then maybe I'll face someone who can pull off their so-called great master plan...."

***

It was morning in the Anarchy Mansion.  Grandpa sat in the kitchen, eating strawberry pancakes.  Kitty Kitty Bang Bang entered the room and dropped the morning newspaper on the table.

"Nyaa!" she exclaimed.  "Great going!  Last night the New Jersey senate voted to give some mysterious villain known only as the Silent Specter full and absolute control of the state!  Nobody knows what his next move is.  You wanted a silent nemesis, and now you've got one!  Hard to stop someone who never tells us what he's up to!"

Grandpa stared at the headlines.  "Well," he said, "I guess it was bound to happen eventually...."

FINI