Magical March 5: Star Crossed

Magical March 5

Star Crossed

Mark A Davis

316

The creature emitted an inhuman scream.  A putrid stench filled the air, accompanied by a sickening, squelching, sucking sound as the multi-tentacled horror inched forward.  Multiple wild eyes glared out from the lumpy mass that was the creature's face, while rows of slathering fangs jutted from a ragged red maw.

"The name Polaris," said Sita, "comes from the phrase stella polaris, or polar star.  Since Medieval times it has been the star closest to the celestial pole that can be seen with the naked eye.  It was also known as scip-steorra in Old English, meaning ship-star.  It is associated with such names as Stella Maris, i.e. Star of the Sea; with lodestar, i.e. a journey-star or a star used to navigate on a journey; and with the word Cynosure, meaning a person or thing that is the center of attention.  Cynosura was an old name for the entire constellation of Ursa Minor -- from the Greek word meaning the dog's tail."

"That's... nice, I guess," said Abigail as she and the three animal guides scrambled backwards.  "It's a cool costume, really, but... I need to know what I can do...."

Sita, Icarus, and Lakshmi --  three angelic magical girl advisers from a realm known as Nibiru -- were in Poughkeespie NY.  Here they'd met their latest magical girl recruit, a young girl of fifteen named Abigail Van Hoffen.  She had brown hair, brown eyes, and average looks, but when transformed was a very pretty girl in a white blouse and jumper dress of deep blue with a stardust pattern.  There were matching gloves, white socks, blue Mary Janes with a similar stardust pattern, and ribbons about her waist, neck, and hair, each with a silver star in the center of the bow.  There was also a staff with a silver star at one end.

She had yet to learn how to use it.  In fact, all she'd learned so far was how to transform.

Here guides were a winged tabby cat (Icarus), a pure white cat (Lakshmi), and a thing that was largely a floating ball of fur with rabbit ears and large eyes (Sita).

"Our theme is stars," said Sita.  "I only provide the background information as an explanation of where your name comes from and what your powers are based on.  You are the magical girl Polaris Polly.  You use the magic of the stars to erect defensive shields to protect your friends...."

"Force bubbles," said Ikarus.

"That sounds good," said Abigail.  "How do I...."

"Defensive shields to protect your friends," Sita repeated more forcefully, "not simply 'force bubbles'.  Also, you have a variety of attack powers, none of which are stellar blasts!  I just want to be clear on that last point."

The creature continued to slither and slide forward as they retreated down the street.  "Any kind of blast sounds like a good idea at the moment," said Abigail.  "Also it's Abigail, not Polly."

"Alliteration is often key to a good magical girl name," said Sita patiently.

"Speaking of which," said Icarus, "can we revisit that name? I know we went over this before but I still feel that Stella Maris would be a fantastic name for a magical girl.  Much better than Polaris Polly...."

"No, we can not revisit the name," said Sita.  "You were outvoted and overruled."

"But I agree with Ikarus," Lakshmi said.  "Additionally, Stella Maris is associated with the virgin Mary -- Our Lady of the Sea.  That's one of her names; she's considered a guiding light and protector of seafarers in particular."

"None of which has anything to do with Polly," said Sita.

"Abigail," said Abigail.  She batted a tentacle away with the staff.

"We are not creating a Catholic magical girl here," Sita added.

"If Lakshmi and I are in agreement," asked Icarus, "how do you outvote and overrule us?"

"Lakshmi was on my side before she was against me," Sita complained.  "Anyway, I was a senior angel on the Angelic Council...."

"Which means nothing in Nibiru," said Icarus.  "Lakshmi and I have more seniority than you."

Sita sighed.  "Fine," she said.  "Fine.  Have it your way."  She turned to the new magical girl.  "My apologies, but your magical girl name is not Polaris Polly, it is apparently Stella Maris, despite an appalling lack of alliteration.  It has nothing to do with Holy Mary -- in point of fact, that name got assigned to her purely thanks to some stupid monk's clerical error...."

They were cornered in an alleyway now.  The tentacled monstrosity advanced slowly.

"Polaris," said Lakshmi, "is in the constellation of Ursa Minor.  Because of that, it was decided that one of your powers was to transform into a small bear...."

"Good," said Abigail.  "How do I...."

"No we did not decide that," Sita interjected.  "Just because Icarus wants to create a half-animal half-girl hybrid is no reason to mess up our magical girl here.  Pet is Wednesday's theme, and we gave that to Octava...."

"Which I complained about at the time," said Icarus.

"Our compromise," said Sita, "is that you can summon a small bear pet to aid you in battle.  Also it's not a stellar blast of any sort...."

"That sounds great," said Abigail.  "How do I do that, exactly?"

"Yes," said the tentacled creature, spewing spittle and mucus.  "How does she do that?  Can you hurry up and explain it to her?  I don't want to attack before she's ready, but I can only inch forward so slowly.  I've got a haunting in Dunwich later tonight, so I'm on a tight schedule.  Can we get this show on the road?"

FINI

Magical March 4: Moon Power Shake Up!

Magical March 4

Moon Power Shake Up!

Mark A Davis

315

It was a beautiful spring evening.  The sounds of traffic were all around them, but birds sang and crows cawed in the trees.  Ikarus, Lakshmi, and Sita were gathered in another park, this one in downtown Seattle -- Volunteer Park.  As Ikarus and Lakshmi talked about their next target -- the creation of a moon-themed magical girl -- Sita sat and sketched.

I'm glad we're working as a trio," said Ikarus.  "It seemed excessive at first, but...."

"It would be difficult to divide three people into two teams," Lakshmi replied.  "In any case, Sita is new to the Nibiru Group, so we don't want her working on her own just yet."

"Well yes," said Ikarus, "but -- she was a senior angel on the Angelic Council for many years.  It's not as if she doesn't know here way around magical girls...."

"She knows how the Angelic Council would handle magical girls, then," said Lakshmi patiently.  "She does not know how we would do it."

"But we basically do the same things," said Ikarus.  "We just avoid all of that bureaucracy -- all of the rules and restrictions...."

"Sita, what are you working on?" Lakshmi asked.  She scooted over to sit by her friend and peered at the sketchbook.  A vision of a young girl in a short skirt and a robe-like top greeted her.  The top was reminiscent of a Chinese sage or wise man.  There were long sleeves, but they didn't hide gloves with silver crescent moons at the wrist.

"Wow," said Lakshmi, "that's really good!  I love the colors -- white, silver, and a really dark shadowy, dusty blue.  The moon staff is awesome, and I love the silver moon buckle on the belt, and the matching moons on the shoulder bag, the tiara, the gloves, and the boots.  Moon boots, he he."

"Moon boots?" Ikarus asked, trying to look.

"They're just slender, knee-high boots with a silver moon at the top," said Lakshmi.  "Not literally moon boots, that would be dumb."

Ikarus finally got a good look at the drawing.  "Oh, nice!  I like it!  What powers does she have?"

Sita stared into the darkening night.  "When I think of the moon," she said, "I think of words like quiet and serene.  I think of a quiet, peaceful night, and of moonlight reflected off a mirror-like mountain lake.  Sailor Moon is Princess Serenity after all.  She ought to lull her enemies to sleep, to calm then, and to heal them.  Those are the powers I envision -- a sleep spell, a calming spell, a healing ability."

"No attacks at all?" Ikarus asked.

"Sleep is an attack," Sita insisted, her face suddenly growing angry.  "Holy Heavens, You sound just like Octava.  His answer to everything is to give them more firepower.  Peony Girl?  Giver her a flower blast!  Valentine's Day Girl?  A choco heart blast!  Magical girl modeled on a serene mountain lake?  Water blast!  Giving every magical girl some sort of blast attack is stupid and lazy!  Magical girls are meant to solve problems peacefully, not blast everything into the ground as if they're all Rambo as a twelve year old girl in a cute dress!  That's not how magical girls work!"

"Well," said Icarus, "if you feel that strongly about it...."

***

Serene Moon Sally backed away from the monster.  It was twenty feet tall and seeming made of living shadow, an amorphous humanoid blob with angry red eyes.  It had appeared in downtown Seattle unexpectedly, right into the middle of a traffic jam.  Smashed and broken cars now littered the streets.

"Serene Moon Slumber!" Sally called out again.  Blue energy floated out and enveloped the creature, but to no effect.  Massive black arms snapped power lines and smashed a building facade.  Broken brick rained down.

"It won't sleep!" Sally exclaimed, backing up.  "I can't get it to sleep!  What do I do?  What do I do?"

Behind her cowered three magical girl guides -- a winged  tabby cat, a pure white cat, and something that resembled no earthy animal, it was a floating ball of fur with large eyes and rabbit ears.

"Oh my stars!" the winged tabby exclaimed.  "Give her an attack already!"

"No!" the floating ball of fur replied.  "That's what Octava would do!  I won't violate the purity of my vision!"

From overhead came a shout:  "Sailor Sunburst Attack:  Sunbeam Blast!"  The skies lit up brighter than a fireworks display.  A concentrated beam of sunlight pierced the monster like a blow torch through a chocolate bunny.  The creature shattered and collapsed.

"Wow," said Octava, as he and Daesdamona alighted next to the other three guides, with their new sun-based magical girl floating overhead.  "Looks like you guys could use a little help.  You know, you should have given her a moon blast power...."

FINI

Magical March 3: Fun in the Sun

Magical March 3

Fun in the Sun

Mark A Davis

314

Waves rolled up the beach.  The sound of the surf and the cries of seagulls soothed sunbathers.  Daesdemona -- at the moment looking like a native Mexican girl with tanned skin and black hair, rather than the usual red-skin, horns and bat wings, and dressed in a floral bikini of white and blue -- lay on the beach soaking in the warmth.  Beside her lay Octava, who truthfully resembled a boy of fourteen at the very most.  His skin was tanned and his long hair was bleach blonde, and he wore red and black bermuda shorts.

"So," Daesdemona said, "our next target is a sun-themed magical girl...."

"Indeed," Octava replied.  He was wearing mirror shades.  The two of them lay on beach blankets -- his depicting Sailor Moon.

"And we're relaxing in Puerto Vallarta...." Daesdamona said.

"Yes," said Octava.  "Where' there's sun."

"And you have a Sailor Moon towel...." she said.

"It never hurts to advertise," replied the part-time magical girl adviser.

"Not that this doesn't feel wonderful," said Daesdamona, "but how long were we planning to stay here?  Ysolde will not be happy if she catches us here.  We're supposed to catch up on our quota of magical girls...."

"Yes," said Octava, "and given that the theme is the sun,  I felt that a little worship was in order.  It's bound to inspire us."

"You do not appear to be taking this assignment very seriously," Daesdamona said.  "As always, I find it strange that it's the former demon who has to remind you of our assignment...."

"Mmmm," said Octava.  "Just a little longer...."

"If you insist," she replied.  "Admittedly I don't want to move from this spot either.  But let's at least review what we've accomplished so far."

"A very good idea!" Octava exclaimed.  "We have a sword-wielding clone of a girl from an anime called  Puella Magi Madoka Magica, who admittedly hasn't done anything yet, and a young Pokémon monster trainer who patrols the parks of Chicago and uses them to fight crime."

"They're just Pokémon," said Daesdamona.

"Pardon?"

"The term means pocket monster," she said, "so calling them Pokémon monsters is being redundant."

Octava shrugged.  "Like I care?  Anyway we've assigned two new guides to help them -- Merope for the Pokémon girl, and Circe as a guide for the blue-haired anime girl.

"Her name," said Daesdamona, "is Savitha.  She picked it out herself.  It means, strangely enough, bright sun, although sadly I don't think we can count her as fulfilling our sun-themed magical girl into the bargain...."

"Yeah, whatever," said Octava, waiving a hand dismissively.  "Anyway Circe's got her work cut out for her.  Turns out that transforming a thirty-year-old Indian programmer into a sixteen-year-old Japanese girl causes a few problems, especially for his wife and family...."

Daesdemona rolled her eyes.  "Who could have predicted that?"

"My point exactly!" exclaimed Octava.  "Everyone acts like it's my fault somehow, but how was I to know?

"The good news is that she's somehow still employed as a programmer, which means she's supporting the family, and her wife is not quite as disappointed as one might have expected.  In fact she's wants to act as Savitha's agent and market her as a magical girl.  So maybe it'll all work out.

"But from now on let's stick to young girls and women."

"Getting you to stick to anything is the problem," Daesdamona muttered.  "Also, what's wrong with the occasional magical boy?"

Octava made a face.  "I got nothing against magical boys per se, but they come with their own set of issues," he said. "I'm used to dealing with girls."

"This isn't all about you, Octava Dear," said Daesdamona.  "Also, I think we've wasted just about enough time here...."

"Oh.  My.  Gawd!" a young woman exclaimed.  "Sailor Moon!  ¿Son fanáticos?"

Octava peered over his sunglasses at a girl of about sixteen.  She appeared Hispanic, but had an American accent.

"Not so much a fan of Sailor Moon," he said, "but magical girls in general."

"Oh!  You speak English," she said.  "Good, because my Spanish is suspect.  I've gotta say, I used to be such a big fan of that show -- for years I dreamed of becoming a magical girl somehow!"

"Dreamed of becoming a magical girl, you say?" replied Octava.  "Hold that thought."  He glanced at his partner and produced a cigar.  The end burst into flames.  He said, "What was I just saying? It always pays to advertise!"

FINI

Magical March 2: Pokémon Gone

Magical March 2
Pokémon Gone

Mark A Davis
313

The sun was warm and bright.  The grass was green.  It was a beautiful day in downtown Chicago, and three former angels stood beneath a row of trees in the center of Washington Park and discusses their assignment.

"A Pokémon magical girl?" Icarus asked.  "Really?"  He pursed his lips.  Icarus sometimes appeared as a young man with jet black wings, and sometimes, in his magical girl adviser role, as a winged tabby cat.  But at the moment he was human, without the wings -- but not exactly inconspicuous in black leather pants, leather boots, mirror shades and a black silk shirt open to the navel.  He looked like a rock star on holiday.

"Does she turn into Pikachu?" asked Lakshmi, a young woman with pink hair.  She wore jean shorts and a yellow halter.  "Is she a Pokémon/human hybrid?"

"Do you mean like half human, have crabominable?" asked the third angel Sita, staring at her phone.  She had long, straight black hair, and wore sandals and a white dress that resembled a toga.

"I have no idea what that is," Icarus replied.

"Or is she just a magical girl who's a really good Pokémon trainer?" Lakshmi added.

"Either/or, I think," said Icarus, "although I sort of favor a half-animal magical girl.  I'm very partial to cat girls myself, or maybe a dog girl would work...."

"Do you mean like half girl, half poodle?" asked Sita.

"Wouldn't it need to be Pokémon related?" asked Lakshmi.  "Like that thing that Sita just said... abominable crab?"

"Crabominable," Sita said.

"A half magical girl, half giant crab does not sound ideal," said Icarus.  "There must be some cute, fuzzy Pokémon, right?"

"We need to research this," Lakshmi agreed.

"Hang on a moment, guys," Sita said.  "There's a totodile nearby, and I have to catch it!"

The black-haired angel wandered off.  Icarus looked at Lakshmi.  "What did she say?"

"I've got no idea," Lakshmi replied.


Staring at her phone intently, Sita wandered across the lawn.  She nearly stumbled over a young girl.  She glanced down.  The girl wore jean shorts and a Pokémon tee shirt, and was also staring at her phone.  She had dark skin and long black hair.

"Oh!" Sita said.  "Excuse me!  Are you after the totodile too?"

The girl nodded.  "I don't have one yet.  It's really rare!"


Fifteen minutes later, Sita wandered back to the other two.

"Okay," said Lakshmi, "we've settled on a magical girl who transforms into a half-human, half-flareon.  Those are cute.  They're mammalian, they've got reddish fur and a yellow fluff mane and tail.  They have fire-based attacks, and... something else about guts?"  She stared at her phone.  "It says most of them are male...."

"Ours will be the exception, of course," Icarus replied.  "Now, we just need to find a suitable subject to become our magical girl...."

"Problem solved," Sita said.  "Pokémon magical girl achieved!  Her name is Sofia Alejandra Istallarte, and she can summon Pokémon to fight for her -- for truth and justice, of course."  She smiled and added, "What's next on the list?"

"Wait," said Icarus.  "You've already created a magical girl?  But you don't even know what our plan is...."

Sita shrugged.  "She's only nine, but she beat me ten matches in a row.  She seemed like an ideal candidate...."

"Beat you... in what?" asked Lakshmi.

Sita held up her phone.  "Pokémon Go," she said.  "You don't play?"

The three angels stared across the lawn.  Fifty feet away, a young girl in a bright red and white outfit -- red shorts, white top, white socks with red hiking boots --followed a colorful lizard-like creature as it chased a teenager.  The boy was screaming.

"That..." said Sita.  She paused.  "Clearly he must be a purse snatcher," she added after a moment.  "I think.  Probably."

FINI

Magical March 1: Sign Here

Magical March 1

Sign Here

Mark A Davis

312

Sunlight fell across a polished stone conference table.  A breeze blew through marble columns and tugged at the hair of those seated.  It carried the scent of roses and gardenias, planted just outside the room.

Corporate meetings in Nibiru were certainly set in a much nicer environment than a typical office meeting, but they were not more interesting.  Octava -- a young boy with cherub wings and long blonde hair -- and Lakshmi -- a young girl with similar wings, tanned skin and pink hair -- stared numbly into space as the head accountant spoke of operation costs and margins and a promising spring quarter.   Across the table, Sita -- an older girl with black hair -- scowled at them.

Finally the accountant sat.  A handout was passed around

"Magical March?" asked Icarus, staring at the paper handout dubiously.  The angelic adviser was a young man with dark skin, white hair, and jet black wings.  He typically wore black silk jumpsuit open to the naval, as if he were a mid-70's rock star.  "A different magical girl for every day of the month?  I've been a magical girl guide for years and I've never heard of such a thing."

At the head of the table sat Ysolde -- the immediate supervisor of Magical Guides division.  "This," she said, "comes from upper management.  Someone up there discovered this on our network  and got a bug up their butt about how we should be following this guideline and creating and empowering a new magical girl each day...."

"A new magical girl?  Every day?" Daesdemona asked.  "Thirty-one new magical girls in a month?  That's crazy!"  Daesdemona was a demonic-looking girl, with red skin, small yellow horns, a devil's tail and bat wings.  She was short, well endowed, and skimpily dressed -- like a cartoon demoness come to life.  "It takes weeks to properly prepare a magical girl...."

Sita was studying a handheld device.  "Miss Ysolde," she said, "I believe there's been some sort of mistake.  According to this, Magical March is just a challenge among human artists to draw various magical girls...."

"There is no mistake," Ysolde replied.  She paused, then added, "At least, not that anyone in upper management will admit to...."

Everyone began to speak at once.  Ysolde held up her hand.  "I know how it sounds," she said, "but management has thrown all their weight behind this.  They've assigned the task to our Alpha Initiative.  We're considered the best group to handle new magical girl recruits, so we get to spearhead this initiative, however wrong-headed it might be.  We'll just have to do our best."

She steepled her hands and added, "Of course, it's even worse than it might first appear -- it's already March 5th, so we've got four days to make up.  I'll be promoting new candidates to positions as guides, but everyone will have to double and triple up so that every magical girl is covered.  We'll have another meeting on the subject tomorrow.  For today I want you to concentrate on quickly producing those first five.  There are a dozen of you here; you can divide up the work however you wish."


As they filed out of the meeting, Lakshmi complained, "I thought I left the Angelic Council to get away from this kind of crap."

"It does sound more like something the Angelic Council would pull," Sita agreed.  "Also, angels should never say crap."

Octava produced a cigar, which lit itself.  He took a long puff, released a ring of smoke, and said, "It's not as if I don't already have my hands full with the largest magical girl team in existence!  Oh well, what's the first objective?"

Nibiru was a collective of former angels and demons, gods and demi-gods and other immortals.  Its primary objective was to aid magical girls.  It existed somewhere south of heaven and north of hell, or so they said.  In appearance it was a small paradise of beautiful islands floating in space, not unlike some of the realms of the gods, but if so, it was a paradise where no one had time to relax.

Lakshmi studied the handout.  "Favorite Character?  What does that mean?"

"Daesdamona and I will take that one," said Octava.

Daesdamona raised an eyebrow.  "Really?  Since this was meant to be an art challenge, that means draw your favorite character.  But what does it mean as far as creating a new magical girl?  Yet if I know you, and I do, you expect this to be easy."

"It is," said Octava.  "Find a geek who wants to become their favorite magical girl?  You can find a thousand people like that on the internet in an instant."

***

Edi Bedi sighed, tired and stiff from a morning of coding.  He took a break to loosen his tie and surf the web.  Soon he came across a Twitter image that he liked -- that of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica.  He favorite'd it, then decided to leave a reply.

This is a beautiful picture! he wrote.  Sayaka is my favorite magical girl.  He paused, considering, then added, If I were to ever become a magical girl, I would want to be Sayaka Miki.

With a soft plop, a white bunny appeared on his desktop.  Edi stared in shock and disbelief.  The bunny stood on two legs and produced a cigar, which lit itself.  It took a puff, blew out a ring of smoke, and said "Edi, my boy, today is your lucky day.  I can make your dreams come true!"  It produced a sheaf of papers and added, "Just sign this contract...."

Edi Bedi screamed and fled the room.

Moments later, a bat faded into view.  "Octava, Dear," it said, "you've never watched Puella Magi Madoka Magica, have you?"

FINI

Gadda Da Vida

Gadda Da Vida

Mark A Davis

286

"Sometimes I help out the S.I.S.B.," said Grandpa Anarchy, earth's oldest active hero.  "Especially Jennie Nova and her friend Llahna.  But this is the first time they've had me run a mission for them without an actual member coming along."  He gripped the steering wheel of the space ship, even though it flew itself, and stared out into the starry night.  "Of course, you and I aren't actual members of the S.I.S.B. -- you gotta be young and female for that."

As he always did, Grandpa Anarchy wore a rumpled gray suit with an anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.

The ship was sleek and smooth and silver, with comfortable bucket seats and digital readouts.  The computer ran the ship, but this was only a small scout ship, not the fancy war vessel that Grandpa's friends normally used, with it's sentient A.I. and teleporters and clone rebirth vats.  Their mission was a simple one -- to check out a planet that was thought to be uninhabited, and then return with a report.

His sidekick, a young boy named Evander the Explorer, called out, "There's a closet back here full of silver bikinis and go-go boots."

"Well, that's their uniform," Grandpa said.

"Oh, I know," said Evander.  "I was a huge fan of Major Tom and Destiny Nova.  They formed the Society for Intergalactic Space Babes!"

"Ideally," said Grandpa, I'd have brought a female sidekick along, and then you could have abandoned me and joined their group to explore space.  That's how it usually goes."

"Explore space in a silver bikini?  I don't think so."  Evander returned to the front seat.  The boy was six feet tall and well muscled, with closely-cropped brown hair and a square jaw.  He wore the kind of retro space suit that would have made Buck Rogers proud.  "Now if I could date an alien space babe -- one like Sally Stardust, with green hair -- that'd be awesome!"  He pulled a picture from his suit and placed it on the ship dash.  "Isn't she beautiful?  I'd bang her in a second!"

The girl pictured had green hair, solid blue eyes, pale skin, and antenna -- but was otherwise a sexy space babe in a silver bikini.

"Yeah, sure," Grandpa muttered.

"I'm really excited to be exploring out in space!" said Evander.  "My goal is to sleep with an alien babe, and since we're working for the space babes, that's bound to happen!  I mean, I was hoping we'd get have missions halfway across the galaxy, but I didn't really think it'd happen so quickly.  So what are we looking for anyway?"

"The 5E has received reports of ships going missing near planet Dilmun," said Grandpa.  "We're here to check it out."

Even as he said this, the planet in question appeared in the view port -- a blue-green planet very similar to earth, but with unfamiliar land masses.  Grandpa gripped the steering wheel tighter.  The ship entered orbit, then began to descend.

"5E?" asked Evander.

"A division of the Eieio (pronounced Ee-Yow) Empire government," Grandpa said.  "The Space Babes work for them, so that's who we're really working for.  It stands for Eieio Empire Endowment and Encouragement Enforcement...."

He paused.  An alarm was sounding.  Red lights lit the cockpit.  "What is it?" asked Evander.

"WARNING!" a computer voice boomed out.  "ENGINES ARE WITHOUT POWER.  WARNING!"

"We've lost all engine power!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "I don't know what to do -- I'm not actually a pilot!  The computer's supposed to take care of everything!"

The computer repeated, "WARNING!  ENGINES ARE WITHOUT POWER!  WARNING!"

The two watched, helpless, as their ship plummeted to the planet surface.

***

Grandpa awoke in a field of grass and flowers.  He was not surprised to awake from a hard ship crash -- he was used to surviving impossible situations, or at least being revived after death.  But he expected to be in great pain, and he was not.  He felt -- normal.

He sat up.  In fact, he felt better than normal -- younger, stronger, in better health.  He blinked.  There was ship debris all around him.  He was also stark naked.

There was no sign of his clothing anywhere.  The ship was utterly destroyed, reduces to chunks of smoldering metal.  But around him birds sang and chirped in the trees.  It was a warm, sunny day.  He flexed his arms, then glanced down at his crotch.  That part of him felt revitalized, too.

There was a moan nearby.  He approached a pile of debris to find his sidekick buried beneath it.  He knelt down, then paused.  The person looked like his sidekick, to a degree -- that is, the face was similar to Evander's, but with more delicate features, and framed by long, auburn hair.  This was clearly a young woman, there was no mistaking it.  For one thing, she was also naked, and her breasts were fully exposed.  Grandpa glanced away, feeling something stir within him that he hadn't felt in years.  He felt ashamed.  She looked to be all of sixteen or seventeen, and he was over a century old.  Also he assumed she was really Evander -- quite apart from the facial similarities, there should be no other human on the planet.

The girl opened her eyes.  "Grandpa?" she asked.  "What happened?  Did we crash?"

Grandpa Anarchy frowned.  How did one explain this?

A large metal beam lay across the girl's neck and shoulders.  Her legs and arms were also pinned.  "Yes.  We crashed," Grandpa replied.  "Your body... um... I don't know how to put this...."

The girl's eyes went wide.  "I'm injured, aren't I?" she asked.  "Is it bad?  Tell me, Grandpa; give it to me straight -- I can take it."

"No, you seem... perfectly healthy, It's just...."  Grandpa's voice faltered.  "That is... um... I mean you're not...."

"Am I going to die?" the girl asked.

"No," Grandpa said firmly.  "Look, let's get you free from there.  That's the first thing."

Soon the girl was free.  She stared down at her body in horror.  "Grandpa, what's happened to me?" she cried out, her voice going higher.  "Why am I a girl?"

"That's... one question which I am rarely asked," said Grandpa.  "Although on reflection, it's not as rare as you'd think.  I don't know the answer.  What I do know is that we crashed, but we're somehow just fine... except that you're a girl."

"Crashing spaceships don't cause people to change genders!" the girl said, beginning to panic.

"Not normally, in my experience," Grandpa replied.  "Although I can't say I've been in a lot of spaceship crashes, so perhaps the sample size is too small...."

"This doesn't make any sense!"

"Now, calm down, girl," Grandpa said.  He thought of her as the girl because trying to reconcile the image of this naked girl with that of his former sidekick Evander the Explorer hurt his brain.  "Panicking won't solve anything.  The good news is that we registered your physical and genetic profile with 5E before we left, so assuming we get off this planet they can always transform you back.  Let's explore this place and see what we can find.  We really don't got much choice in the matter anyway, and we probably want to find shelter before nightfall.  There aren't any pieces of the ship large enough to suffice...."

The grass was soft beneath their bare feet.  Insects buzzed, but no mosquitoes or wasps bothered them.  Butterflies drifted on sunlight.  The whole planet seemed to be more curated park than actual wilderness.

"There's something weird about this place," Grandpa said.  "It's too perfect.  It reminds me of something, but I'm not sure exactly what..."

"You know, Grandpa," girl Evander said.  "It's not just me that's changed.  You look a lot younger and more muscular, too.  More... viral."

"Viral!" exclaimed Grandpa.  "Why, I ain't been viral in a whale's age!"

They wandered through meadows filled with clover and bright flowers.  They crested a hill.  Below them was a valley with a lake.  The smooth surface of the water was like crystal.  There were snow-capped mountains in the distance.  Grandpa knew that nature could be picturesque, but this scene reminded him of a Bob Ross painting, full of happy rocks and happy trees.  It was a little too perfect to be real.

He glanced up.  "Now that's a strange-looking fruit," he said.  Branches of the tree hung low with very large, white fruit  that was almost box-shaped.

Grandpa picked one.  "Careful," said the girl.  "We don't know what's safe to eat."

"I have a feeling that everything is safe on this planet," Grandpa replied.  He pried down the sides of the boxy fruit, which peeled back like a banana.  Inside was revealed a more obviously box-like interior.  It looked like a large, square nut, but this also opened, like a box from Chinese take-out.

"Why, it's a fried chicken lunch!" Grandpa exclaimed.  He pulled a chicken breast from the box and bit into it.  "Tastes just like chicken!" he exclaimed.  "More than that -- it tastes like the best fried chicken I've ever had!"

"Are you sure this is safe to eat?" asked the girl.  "If it turns you into a woman too, don't come crying to me."

"I think I'm safe," Grandpa replied.  "I don't know what it is about this planet, but everything seems designed to make us as comfortable as possible.  I don't think we'll starve, at any rate."

They sat in the grass and ate lunch, then continued to explore.  They followed a stream and soon came upon a small pool.  Steam arose from the water, which bubbled up from underground.  With moss-covered rocks that encircled the pool, it seemed like a natural hot tub.

"A natural hot springs!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "Hotcha!  I don't know about you, but I'm getting in!"

Grandpa tested the water, then stepped in.  "What if it's a trap?" asked the girl.

"This whole planet is a trap," Grandpa replied.  "But a very comfortable one."  He sunk to his neck in the steaming water.  "Oh, that feels amazing!  Why, there's sand at the bottom of the pool, and rocks that form a ledge to sit on...."

The girl folded her arms beneath her breasts.  "Grandpa," she said, "we're stranded on a very weird alien world, and however pleasant and accommodating it might be, we've been trapped here against our will and I've been transformed into a freakin' girl!  I can't help but feel that you're not taking this seriously enough!"

Grandpa Anarchy stared up at the girl.  "Oh, I know all that," he said.  "This planet is a cage -- a very pretty cage created to keep us comfortable, but a cage nonetheless.  But that don't mean I can't enjoy a relaxing soak in a natural hot springs.  You should join me -- I mean, we're already naked, so why not?"

The girl sighed, but eventually she did slip into the pool and sank up to her neck.  Water soaked her hair.

After a relaxing bath, the two climbed from the pool.  There were no towels, but they dried quickly in the warm air.  They continued their search, but very quickly came across something new.

It was a bed.  It sat in a beautiful clearing beneath the cover of a large tree.  It wasn't just any bed, either --  larger than a king-sized mattress, in the shape of a valentine, with red and pink and white satin sheets and pillows and comforters.

Grandpa frowned.  "Now that," he said, "is taken straight out of a love hotel, I'd swear."

"What, are we supposed to sleep together on it?" the girl asked.

"Do you want to?" Grandpa asked.

"No!" the girl exclaimed.  "Not a chance!"

"Me neither," Grandpa said.  "But this confirms what I've been suspecting all along."  He stepped into the clearing and called out, "Okay Yahweh or Elohim or whatever you're calling yourself!  The jig is up!  Come out where we can see you!"

In a blinding flash of light, god appeared.

He shined so brightly that it hurt to look at him.  It was like staring into the sun.  He cast shadows on the ground in all directions.  But what you could see, in quick glances and sidelong views, was not exactly what you might expect.  The man was tall enough, and balding, with a white beard -- but that beard was scraggly and unkempt, and his robes were tattered and torn.  If the gods dwell on Mount Olympus, then this was the god who slept in the gutter and begged for change during the day so that he could afford a bottle of nectar.

"I AM YAHWEH!" the god boomed.  "WHO DARES SUMMON ME?"

"Hah!" Grandpa barked.  He danced a little jig around the clearing.  "One of the Shaggy Gods!  I knew it!  These jokers all think they're the one true god of Israel -- call themselves Yahweh or Elohim or Jehovah.   They all model themselves after the god of the Bible."

"I DO NOT!" the god exclaimed.  "I AM THE ONE TRUE YAHWEH, YOUR LORD AND GOD!"

"Let's get one thing straight:  you ain't no god of mine," Grandpa snarled.  He glanced at his sidekick.  "They set up a garden of Eden on some paradise world somewhere, then try to trap an Adam an an Eve so that they can play out the whole creation myth all over again."

The girl's eyes grew wide with horror.  "Wait a minute.  Doesn't that make me...."

"Yes.  You're Eve," Grandpa said.  "Mother to an entire race of humans -- at least, if this joker gets his way."  He paused, then added, "This planet, Dilmun -- that's probably some ancient word for Eden, isn't it?"

"WHAT IF IT IS?" the god replied.  "BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT THE PLANET YOU WERE ORBITING.  WE ARE SIXTY MILLION LIGHT YEARS DISTANCE FROM DILMUN.  I HAVE SEEDED MANY PLANETS IN THIS MANNER, EACH WITH ITS OWN ADAM AND EVE, PROGENITORS OF A NEW RACE OF PEOPLE, FAR FROM THE PRYING EYES OF ANY WHO MIGHT SEEK TO INTERFERE."

"We're not going to participate, you know," Grandpa said.  "We refuse to take part in your little Bible fantasies."

"OH," said the god, "I DO NOT NEED WILLING PARTICIPANTS.  I AM GOD; I CAN MAKE YOU DO AS I WISH."

Grandpa Anarchy charged the god suddenly.  He flew at him, swinging.  His fist collided with the god's chin, driving him back.  The god stumbled, more from shock than from any actual injury.  He rubbed his chin.

"HOW DARE YOU?" he bellowed.  "I AM YOUR GOD!"

"I told you, Moron -- you ain't no god of mine!" Grandpa snarled.  "I'll strike you as often and as hard as it pleases me to do so!  I'm a hero -- I punch people more powerful than me for a living, and I've been doing it for over a hundred years, and no tin pot, delusional, faux-divine Yahweh wannabe is gonna stop me!"

"Yeah!" Evander replied, raising her fists.  "Same here!"

Yahweh glared at Grandpa Anarchy and Evander the Explorer, fury in his eyes.  "YOU TWO ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE THE ADAM AND EVE OF THIS NEW WORLD!"

"Well, good," said Grandpa, "because I...."

There was a flash.  Grandpa found himself gripping the steering wheel of their spaceship, and staring through thick glass at a sea of stars.  He blinked.

"Well!" he said.  "That worked out better than we probably could have hoped."  He grinned.  "Now that's how you deal with a god!  Stupid Shaggy Gods, always trying to recreate the garden of Eden!  I ain't having it!  Now we just need to get back to S.I.B.S. headquarters and file our report explaining why people near Dilmun are disappearing, and to warn everyone to steer clear of that stupid planet -- unless, you know, some young couple wants to be trapped in a garden of Eden...."

"Um," a feminine voice said.  Grandpa frowned.  A familiar naked girl sat in the passenger seat.  Belatedly, Grandpa realized he was also naked.

"Well, crap," Grandpa said after a few moments.  "Mind you, the S.I.S.B. can change you back... but I'm gonna look like a danged fool in a silver bikini and go-go boots...."

FINI

Classic Anarchy: Heart and Soul

Heart and Soul

Mark A Davis

168

The camera rolled over the studio crowd and up to the stage, where a young, dark-skinned woman with long, braided black hair and an older woman with white hair sat on a plush couch, while a third woman with blonde hair and a perky smile sat behind a desk.  The camera focused on the third woman, who smiled brightly and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Cupcake Corner!  I'm your host, Cathy Cupcake, and today's theme is Girlhood.

"Our first guest was Ivana Pitosin, author of the award-winning teen series The Girl In The Glass Tower.  The first book will be a major motion picture this summer!  Our second guest was Ojal Dani, the extremely reclusive former Bollywood film star who originally hails from New York, and who in her nineties continues to look no more than twenty-five.  She claims to simply have the heart of a girl -- but we know she's a powerful sorceress, and was in fact the Supreme Sorceress of the World in 2010.  Ladies, wouldn't we all like to have access to such magic?

"Now please welcome our third guest.  She's Grandpa Anarchy's current sidekick, she's the avatar of Isis, she's the heroine known as You Go Girl.  Please give her a hand!"

A boy with long brown hair strode onto the stage.  He was about seventeen and wore black jeans and a tee shirt upon which were the words Grandpa Punched First.  He shook Cathy's hand and settled in next to Ojal Dani.

"He," the boy said.

Cathy Cupcake frowned.  "Pardon?"

"I said he.  He's the heroine known as You Go Girl -- or rather, he's the boy who transforms into the heroine.  You see, when I'm not transformed, I'm a guy."

Cathy's smile  beamed like a spotlight.  "Of course!" she said.  "But we had an internal meeting on this very subject, and we decided that, since you're a girl hero...."

"Only when I'm transformed," said the boy.  "Look, it's quite simple:  when I'm not transformed I'm a normal boy.  When I transform, I am a girl -- I would say a normal girl, but since I'm the avatar of a goddess that's not really true.  I'm not a transgendered superhero, because I'm either fully male or fully female at any given time, but it's obviously complicated to explain and I don't mind being a spokesman for transgendered heroes...."

"Or a spokeswoman?" asked Cathy brightly.

The boy sighed.  "Yes, when I am transformed."

The hostess flashed another smile.  "Very good!  Now, I understand that Grandpa Anarchy couldn't be here -- something about an investigation into a very old murder case -- but then you're the one we wanted to meet.  Your real name is Chris, isn't that right?  That seems very convenient -- Chris works as a name for a boy or a girl."

"Yes," said the boy patiently.

"And you became a superhero -- heroine, that is -- when you accidentally discovered your mother's ancient magical ring?"

The boy held up his right hand for the cameras.  On it was a ring of gold, with a design inlaid with red stone.   It looked like an ankh, but with the arms pointing downward.  "This is called a tyet," the boy said.  "It's the knot of Isis, a symbol of eternal life or resurrection."  He paused, then added, "I -- accidentally found it, as you said.  It was in my mother's inner sanctum, behind three locked doors sealed with magic and within a hidden wall safe sealed with more magic."  The boy grinned and added, "It called out to me."

"My goodness!" Cathy exclaimed.  "Of course, your great grandfather was an archaeologist in Egypt, and both your mother and grandmother were superheroines in their time."  On the overhead screen appeared a black and white image of a dark-haired girl in a toga, bending a steel bar.  Cathy sighed. "You know, I was such a fan of the Daughter of Isis when I was a girl!  What I think we'd all like to see a demonstration -- can you transform for us?"

"Sure," the boy said.  He stood, stepped away from the desk, and raised his hand overhead.  The ring glowed.  He called out:

"Hail Isis, Mighty mother, daughter of the Nile, of Nut and of Geb, the earth and the sky, Beloved of Osiris, Lady of Peace, Glorious Goddess of life and magic and light, bestow upon me your power and might!"

Chris was lifted into the air and spun about like a dradle.  Lights flashed, and the boy transformed.  When he landed -- he was a beautiful girl with dark, braided hair, wearing a toga-like dress of white.  There were leather sandals with straps to the knees, bracelets of gold inlaid with red stone, armbands, a wide gold Egyptian-style necklace, and a gold circlet on her forehead set with a tyet similar to that of the ring.

The audience erupted in applause.  The girl turned slowly about, then sat back down.  "Isn't he amazing?" Cathy asked.

"She," the girl replied.  "When transformed I am 100% girl, remember?  Even my brain changes.  I am not exactly myself anymore, I am the avatar of justice for Isis.  That's just the way it is."

"Yes, of course," said Cathy, "and you are also incredibly strong and fast.  Is that it?"

"Yes," said You Go Girl.  "I can't fly, but I can run pretty fast.  I'm tough but not invulnerable or anything, except when it comes to magic, since my power is magic based."

Cathy said, "I would have thought you would go by the name your mother used -- Daughter of Isis."

"Technically that is my name," said the girl.  "You Go Girl is what the media calls me.  See, my first time out, I stopped a bank robbery, and someone in the crowd yelled that at me.  A reporter misheard it and thought that was my name, so that's what got printed in the papers.  Everyone still uses it."  She paused and added, "Of course, there's also the lawsuit...."

"From your mother?" asked Cathy.

"Yes," said the girl, frowning.  "So there's a problem with the licensing of the Daughter of Isis name."

Cathy beamed another smile.  "Well!" she exclaimed.  "There are several  questions that we're all dying to know -- such as:  what is it like to be a girl with the mind of a boy?  Isn't shopping for underwear a bit confusing?  And which bathroom do you use?"

You Go Girl sighed.  "Miss Cupcake," she said, "it's questions like these that made me really not want to come onto your show.  I only agreed because Ms. Ojal Dani was going to be here...."

"Yes, yes," said Cathy, "and she only agreed because you were going to be on... that was a nice catch-22, I thought....."

"I am such a fan!" exclaimed the sorceress.

"Yes, but...."  Cathy paused, looking confused.  "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm being told by my producer that we have a surprise appearance from Grandpa Anarchy himself.  He's coming to us live now...."

A video screen image appeared behind the guests, displaying the world's oldest superhero, dressed in his usual gray suit with the anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.  He was looking decidedly grim.  "Hello, Mr. Anarchy!" Cathy called out.  "Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, Cathy!" Grandpa called back.

"Grandpa," said Cathy, "I'm told that you're at a very special location.  Can you tell me where you are?"

"Funny you should ask," Grandpa replied.  "I'm in the study of one of your guests."  He added, "Incidentally, please thank her for flying all the way out to Los Angeles to be on your show.  It's been the devil of a time prying her away from her inner sanctum...."

You Go Girl did not react to this information.  The silver-haired author Ivana Pitosin looked puzzled.  But the actress Ojal Dani leaped to her feet.  "What are you doing in my house?" she demanded.  "How dare you?"

The camera pulled back, revealing a very cluttered room.  Flasks and vials and jars and ancient books lined the shelves.  Stacks of yellowing paper were everywhere.  Bracelets and necklaces hung from an ornate dagger plunged into the top of a human skull.  Two uniformed police officers stood on each side of Grandpa, while in the background stood a regal, bearded man a black suit and high-collared black cape, whom most would recognize as Dark Dr. Dark, Grandpa's ally and the Supreme Sorcerer of the world five years running, non-consecutive.

"Tell me, Cathy," said Grandpa, "Have you ever heard of writer Robert Bloch?"

"Vaguely," said the host.

Grandpa grimaced.  "Pulp trash writer, if you ask me.  Science fiction, horror, all that crap.  Anyway he was famous for saying, 'Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy.  I keep it in a jar on my desk.'"

Grandpa held up a jar to the camera.  It was filled with a murky liquid, but something pinkish floated within.  "Ms. Dani never finished the phrase," Grandpa said, "but in her case, it was not a joke.  Ms. Ojal Dani, you are under arrest for the murder of twelve-year-old Betty Lavelle in New York, 1950.  I worked that case, you know, with my very first sidekick...."

"You would dare?" Ojan Dani exclaimed.  She leaped to her feet and grabbed You Go Girl by the wrist.  "I would have replaced it soon anyway.  How much better the heart of an immortal girl?"    She cackled loudly as she yanked off the heroine's magic ring.  A glowing dagger of violet magic appeared in her hand.  She plunged the weapon into You Go Girl's chest.

You Go Girl did not move.  The sorceress withdrew the dagger.  There was no blood, no mark.  "Invulnerable to magic, remember?" said You Go Girl.  "Oh, dear, did a former Supreme Sorceress really forget that detail...?"

"But -- the ring..." said Ms. Dani.

"Yes," said You Go Girl.  "Very convincing, isn't it?  The glow when I transformed was an especially nice touch, I thought."

"There are other ways!" snarled the sorceress, raising her hands, but You Go Girl grabbed her wrists and spun her about, twisting Ms. Dani's arms behind her.  She struggled ineffectually.

"Now, we'll have none of that," said the heroine.

"Ms. Dani, the world's forgotten Betty," Grandpa said.  "But I haven't.  We still have physical evidence from that case -- and once we've verified what's in this jar, there'll be no more movies from you -- for a very long time."

FINI