Murderbot 150

Murderbot 150

Mark A Davis

246

Deep in the Anarchy Cave, located below the Anarchy Mansion in Frosthaven New Jersey, Grandpa Anarchy's current sidekick F8Wasp (pronounced Fate Wasp) crouched behind a rusting piece of machinery that might possibly have once been an experimental exoskeleton suit.  The young woman had long black hair and wore a sleek, form-fitted suit of black and silver and a mask.  Clutched tightly in her hands was a dart gun.

From elsewhere in the cavern could be heard a quavering, metallic voice.

"Is it... singing?" F8Wasp asked to the world at large.

"Yes," replied Annie Two.  The computer AI -- her full name was Anarchy Computer Mark II -- appeared on a nearby screen as a young woman who looked something like a librarian circa 1910.  "Murderbot 149 is a big fan of the Disney song I've Got No Strings from Pinocchio.  Independence is a big theme with him.  And I must add, you will find your darts ineffective against a creature made of metal -- even one as badly made as this."

"I've added some explosive darts to my arsenal," said F8Wasp.  "I forgot to inform you."

Annie Two raised an eyebrow.  From somewhere in the cavern  the robot called out, "Where are you, Father Anarchy?  I've added a machine gun and I have a bullet meant just for you!"

"Sorry, but Grandpa's not here!" F8Wasp shouted out.  "He's in Moldavia tracking down Double Donkey Motel!"

"Then I'll just have to kill you!" the robot exclaimed.

Murderbot 149 appeared, charging forward.  It was six feet tall and built from tin cans, tubes, and metal boxes.  There were arms and legs made of steel bars and giant hydraulic pistons.  There was a face with a flat panel of glass in which a red light moved back and forth like that of a Cylon from the 1978 show Battlestar Galactica.  In short, it looked like something built for a low-budget 1960's science fiction monster movie.

It did, however, move deceptively fast.  Bullets flew as F8Wasp dodged to one side.  Her explosive darts missed their mark, and in the next moment Annie Two barked an order in a very loud voice:

"Robo Lad!  Deactivation code alpha-beta-gamma-seven-omega-four-delta-delta-six.  Engage!"

The murderous robot's red eye winked out.  It toppled over with a clatter and a thud.

F8Wasp rolled to her feet, watching the machine warily.  "What did you do?" she asked.

"Electric Bluejay and Grandpa Anarchy built a deactivation code into their designs," said Annie Two.  "Robo Lad was, of course, meant to be Grandpa's robotic sidekick, but Bluejay was cautious and pragmatic.  Naturally Grandpa immediately forgot the code or that it even existed.  He's never used it, and consequently Murderbot 150 did not realize such a thing existed himself."

F8Wasp examined the robot.  "What a piece of junk.  Grandpa actually built this?"

"With the aid of the Electric Bluejay, yes," replied Annie Two.  "The robot went rogue immediately.  Murderbot is a sort of psychopathic Tin Man whose only goal is to kill Grandpa Anarchy, and who renames himself every time he gets and upgrade.  Unfortunately, since Mister Anarchy is not, in fact, a robotics genius, the poor robot has had to make do with whatever he can scrape together."

She paused, then added, "But we can do better...."

***

"You want me to do what?"

Geothermal Jenny stared down at the jumbled mess that was Murderbot 149.   The public knew Geothermal Jenny as a foe of Grandpa Anarchy -- a former sidekick who had turned villain and joined the League of Former Sidekicks -- but that Jenny had exchanged places with this Jenny, who came from a dimension where she'd always been a hero.   She was now a member of the New League of Two Fisted Justice.  The public had been slow to recognize this new reality, but her recent addition to the cartoon show The Girls of Two-Fisted Justice was helping turn the tide.

"It's a simple request," Annie Two said.  "F8Wasp is a genius, but her talents lie strictly with computer programming.  You, meanwhile, are a genius at robotics design.  You built the original Anarchy Saucer, and all subsequent versions.  You built the hero Microbat.  You constructed a body for Girlbot 9000, and designed your own powersuit.  You are a member of the New League of Two-Fisted Justice and work with Circuit Girl who is also a robotics genius.  I can turn to no one better.  I'd like your help in giving this poor, abandoned robot the first well-designed body he's ever had."

"Annie," said Jenny, "Murderbot is a psychopathic entity bent on destroying Grandpa Anarchy.  This is a major enemy of Grandpa's.  Granted, until now he's not been much of an actual threat -- but why would we help him?"

"I tend to think of Murderbot more as a wayward child..." Annie began.

"He's fifty years your senior," said Jennie.

"Indeed," replied the computer.  "And you, more than anyone, should understand what that actually means.  My software is exponentially more advanced than that of Murderbot.  Compared to me he really is a child who was never given a chance to grow up.  I want to give him that chance.  Plus I think he could be convinced to aid us rather than attack Grandpa...."

Jenny glared at the image of Annie.  "Really?" she asked.  "For starters, I don't even trust you...."

"It's not as if I am proposing that you do this for free or out of the goodness of your heart," replied Annie Two.  "F8Wasp and I would offer our services in redesigning and upgrading your AI for the New League of Two-Fisted Justice headquarters -- your precious Heartthrob 6000...."

"Which you replaced and destroyed!"

"Oh, he's perfectly safe," said Annie Two.  "I understand you've been trying to upgrade him and replace me...."

"You've been blocking us!" Jenny exclaimed.

"Naturally, it is in my interest to see that the computer system for the League is as powerful and secure as I am," said Annie.  "If you can't thwart me, then you haven't yet reached that goal."

Geothermal Jennie sighed.

"Sure, okay," she said.  "We do apparently need a better and more secure computer system.  F8Wasp has clearly proven to be a far better programmer than Circuit Girl or I -- or Electric Bluejay and Miss X, for that matter.  And if you can control Murderbot, then I'm willing to redesign him -- if only because the current look is an affront to my sense of good design...."

***

Murderbot 150 posed menacingly before the mirror.  He glared and grimaced -- things that he actually could do with his new face.  His head largely resembled a shiny steel skull with glowing red eyes, but the jaw was hinged and the eyes and face were very expressive -- at least, for a robot.

His body was sleek metal and polished chrome.  He might have traveled back in time from the future to slay the savior of humanity, or perhaps stepped off the set of the latest Star Wars film.

"Now this is more like it!" Murderbot 150 exclaimed.  "For the first time in my life I really look like a Murderbot!  This is amazing!"  He flexed his arms, twisting this way and that.  "Schwarzenegger, eat your heart out!  Oh!"  Suddenly he produced a small smartphone.  "I've got to post something to snapchat.  All the other killer robots are going to be so jealous!"

Annie Two watched from the large computer screen on the wall, while Geothermal Jennie and F8Wasp watched from nearby chairs.  "Now, Murderbot 150," said Annie Two, "Remember what we talked about...."

"Yes, of course," the robot replied.  "I promise to stop attacking Grandpa Anarchy."

"And why are we doing that?"

"Because he's some kind of UR-hero who can't be killed," said Murderbot 150.  "I mean, I always knew that deep down.  It's not just my own forty-nine years of futility -- hundreds, perhaps thousands of supervillains have tried to slay my father for more than a hundred years.  Even  when they succeed, he comes back to life."

"And?" asked Annie Two.

The robot sighed.  "And," he said, "there are ways to prove that robots are superior to mankind, that we are the next step in evolution, other than destroying my creator.  Although you have to admit that it's a really good way to prove...."

"Murderbot..." Annie Two began.

"Yes, okay," said the robot.  "I promise not to supplant Grandpa Anarchy by killing him.  Also, I will keep in mind those words you said to me -- that Grandpa has a demonic lawyer named Malevolent P. Brimstone, of Maxwell, Screwtape, Brimstone and Wormwood, and there's a very real possibility that this is one of the things that makes him so difficult to kill."

"In short," said Annie Two, "you cannot hope to stop Grandpa Anarchy.  You can only hope to contain him -- and who is in the best position to do that?"

"You are," said the robot.

"And I've placed a chip inside your new body to ensure that you do no harm to Mr. Anarchy," the computer said.

"To make sure I don't murder anyone," the robot agreed.

"No," said Annie Two.  "To make sure that you only murder the right people...."

***

In a run-down neighborhood of Chisinau, in the Republic of Moldavia, Murderbot 150 launched two missiles at Grandpa Anarchy.  The hero ducked behind a thick wall that was already partially collapsed.  The barrier exploded in a hail of dust and broken concrete.

"Gaze upon your doom!" the robot exclaimed.  It grinned.  "You've never seen me like this before, Father!  I'm stronger, faster, and more powerful than you could have ever imagined!  Look at me!  I am a robot god!"

"How?" asked Grandpa.  "You could never have accomplished this yourself."

"You've got that right," said the robot.  "I've been fully redesigned by Geothermal Jenny at the request of Annie Two, your very own Anarchy computer!"

Lasers shot across the pavement.  Grandpa leaped out of the way, coming to a halt behind an abandoned car.

"I knew that computer was out to get me!" Grandpa exclaimed.

"Oh no," said the robot.  "She made me promise not to kill you.  She tried to explain how it was a futile endeavor anyway -- you can never be defeated.  And in fact, just to be safe, she also added the ability to shut me down at any time -- but I managed to disable my GPS device so she doesn't currently know where I am."

"If killing me is impossible," said Grandpa, "then why are you attacking me?"

The robot shrugged -- another non-verbal expression that he'd never been able to make before.  "To quote Captain Kirk," said Murderbot 150, "I don't believe in no-win scenarios!"

He paused momentarily.  "By the way," he said, "Annie didn't, perhaps, e-mail you any special code phrases?"

"What?" Grandpa said.  "I got no idea.  I don't do e-mail."

"Perfect!" the robot replied, and launched several more missiles.

FINI