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Mark A Davis

261

A sleek, futuristic jet dropped out of an overcast sky and hovered over a scene of devastation.  Several city blocks of Tokyo had been leveled.  Buildings lay in rubble -- and in the center of it all lay the corpse of a giant two-headed lizard with blue scales.

The jet was painted blue and black.  On the underside of each wedge-shaped wing was a logo in yellow and blue -- A large, stylized AE in a triangle of white ringed with black, recognized worldwide as the symbol of the world's most powerful super group -- the Archons of Excellence.

The jet settled on an open patch of roadway.  Five famous figures emerged.  There was Popeye Khan, the leader of the group, who most often dressed like a Las Vegas Elvis.  There was the Bronze Beach Bum, who looked like a living, breathing statue of a California surfer dude.   There was Dread to Rights, a powerfully-muscled Rastafarian mystic with long dreadlocks.  There was Old Boy's Club -- the buxom alien woman known as Atlacoya, who dressed like a Betty Page-era pinup girl and wielded a massive crystal club that pulsed green and white.  Last was Sun Wukong the Monkey King -- a muscular man with the fur and face of a monkey.  He was dressed in loose silks of blue and gold, and balanced his famous staff Ruyi Jingu Bang on his shoulder.

Popeye Khan took in the entire scene -- streets littered with rubble, dead lizard monster more massive than the largest whale, emergency crews tending to the wounded and policemen directing traffic and taking statements from witnesses.  Red and blue lights flashed everywhere.  The air was filled with the scent of putrid, salty fish.

Despite the scene of carnage, people paused to stare at the heroes -- in particular Sun Wukong, who was a legend throughout Asia.

Popeye Khan approached a police officer.  "Son," he said, "I'm a bit corn-fused.  We were told a massive kaiju was attacking Tokyo, but when we get here, it's already dead.  What gives?"

It took a few minutes for Sun Wukong to translate -- his Japanese was rusty -- but then he turned to Popeye and the other Archons.  "They say the New League of Two-Fisted Justice took care of it -- team one, with Dark Dr. Dark, Daisy Warrior Princess, Geothermal Jenny and Girlbot 9000.  They left in their Justice Saucer One just a minute before we arrived."  He paused and added, "They -- uh -- asked if we could help with the cleanup...."

Popeye Khan's wrist watch flashed.  He glanced at it.  "Tell them we'd love to help, but we've got a madman threatening San Francisco, so we gotta run...."  He turned and raced for the jet while Sun Wukong quickly relayed the message.

***

The Archon's jet flew in over San Francisco bay.  Up ahead they saw a silver saucer hovering over Alcatraz.  The remains of some sort of 19th-century armored zeppelin were on the parade grounds at the NE end of the island.  There was a line of shadowy black creatures, who appeared to be made of soot.  They had their hands in the air, and were guarded by two small figures with odd weapons.

"Again, mon?" asked Dread to Rights.

"TANJ!" the Bronze Beach Bum exclaimed.  "That's zaradann!"

Popeye tuned in to a local radio station.  As they listened to a news report of a very recent battle over the bay, the jet's video screen  flickered, and an image of Popeye's old friend Grandpa Anarchy appeared.  "Popeye Khan!  How're you doing?" Grandpa exclaimed.  "Hey, if you're here to do battle with Baron Climate Change, we've already taken him down.  But you can stay and help us clean up...."

Popeye Khan frowned.  "Thanks for the offer, friend, but if we're not needed here, I'm sure there's somewhere else that needs our help.  What was the Baron up to, anyway?  Trying to drill a hole into the earth again?"

"That's right," Grandpa said.  "He tries that about twice a year.  Don't know if he really knows what he's doing, but we always stop him just to be sure.  Can't have madmen drilling holes into the San Francisco bay!"

The screen flashed.  Popeye pulled up another window.  "Well, my friend, we gotta jet," he said.  "Got ourselves a situation in...."  He paused, then added, "Well, you just never mind where.  We'll take care of this one, thanks."

"As you wish," said Grandpa.   The screen winked out.

"Setting a course for the Timbuktu, Mali, on the southern edge of the Sahara..." Popeye Khan began, when Sun Wukong interrupted him.

"I advise you to belay that order, Captain," the Monkey King said.  Popeye's eyebrow raised.  Sun Wukong added, "The New League of Two-Fisted Justice team one is on the scene and dealing with the terrorists...."

In  the background, the news reporter said, "And speaking of the New League of Two-Fisted Justice, in this weekend's box office, the New League of Two-Fisted Justice movie has smashed all previous records -- a far cry from last fall's rather disappointing would-be blockbuster Dawn of the Archons...."

Popeye Khan drummed his fingers on the arm of his seat.

Boys," he said, "it's starting to feel like we're not actually the best and most powerful supergroup on the planet -- and that just ain't possible!"

"The New League of Two-Fisted Justice have some very smart and very powerful members these days," said Sun Wukong.  "Circuit Girl and Geothermal Jenny are two of the brightest engineering minds in the world.  Those saucers of theirs are twice as fast as our jet.   They can be anywhere in the world in just a few hours, and with two divisions they can take on two threats simultaneously.   They aren't the old, dowdy, stuck-in-the-mud supergroup of the past.  Plus that new A.I. computer system of theirs that was designed by F8Wasp and Grandpa's Annie Two almost allows them to anticipate crimes before they happen."

"Yeah," said Popeye Khan.  "Two teams -- we can't compete with that.  Faster vehicles -- well, we've got just about the best money can buy.  What we don't have is a Circuit Girl or a Geothermal Jenny, so that's beyond us too.  But the biggest problem here is that computer A.I. -- that gives them a decisive edge over us that we can't counter.  We need a system like that.

"And I know just where to get it."

***

"One billion dollars."

Popeye Khan and Sun Wukong stared across the table at a young girl in a sleek form-fitted suit of black and silver.  She had long black hair and wore a mask.  Beside her was an older woman in a dark purple dress whom Popeye had never met, but he gathered she was the reincarnation of Miss Bloodraven, a companion that Kid Anarchy had worked with in the early 1920's, long before Popeye was even born.

They were in a narrow, dimly lit tavern.  Behind an old wooden bar were rows of liquor bottles and a tall woman with long, blonde braids and an eyepatch.  The far wall of the room was dominated by a dimensional gateway -- a giant circle of carved metal, with strange symbols around the perimeter and a center that was a deep blue liquid surface, like a wishing well on its side.

Nearby on a stool sat a very old friend -- a man with long, gray hair and a rugged, stubble-covered face, who wore a purple beret, purple cape, red scarf and yellow johdphurs with black leather boots.  A black silk shirt like that of a pirate and a leather belt with two pistols and a sword slung from it completed the look.  This was John Haggard, known as Happy Jack or Hacker Jack. and this was his bar The Drunken Well II in the interdimensional city of Intersect.

"What?" Popeye exclaimed.  "One billion... for a computer system developed by a girl who ain't even twenty yet, and shouldn't even be allowed in a bar like this?  Girl you must be out of your mind if you think we're gonna pay that kind of money!"

F8Wasp shrugged.  "Then find someone else," she said.  "End of story."

"Now, hold on a cotton pickin' minute," Popeye exclaimed.  "We tracked you down all the way from earth to Intersect...."

"Exactly," said F8Wasp.  "Nobody else can give you what you want.  Can they?  Maybe you could work with Annie Two herself, like the League and at least one other unnamed supergroup have done...."

"Not a chance," said Popeye.  "We want our own system, independent of that Anarchy-centric computer.  More than that -- I want something better than what Grandpa and his New League have.  I want the next generation computer A.I.  We're the Archons after all."

"Right," said F8Wasp.  "You're the foremost supergroup in the world, and the most powerful, although perhaps still only the second-most marketable after the New League, and only the second-richest after the Black Moon Maidens...."

"We are richer and more marketable than both of them!" insisted Popeye Khan.  "We're the Archons -- we're the best there is.  Okay, maybe the movie wasn't so hot...."

"That movie was a disaster," said F8Wasp.

"Well, I didn't think it was that bad..." said Popeye.  He glanced at Sun Wukong, who shook his head.  "Anyway, that aside -- we don't play second fiddle to no one."

"Indeed," said F8Wasp, "and I don't want to go back to earth, so:  One.  Billion.  Dollars.  Take it or leave it.  I know you can afford it...."

***

Popeye Khan glowered at the cards on the table.  He downed the rest of his drink.  "How did it come to this, Monkey King?" he asked.  "We're the alpha males of the superhero world.  Used to be famous for it.  Now we're being bossed around by a slip of a girl who ain't even twenty yet...."

Popeye, Sun Wukong, the Bronze Beach Bum and Dread to Rights were playing poker at a table in their Archons of Excellence base.  Nearby, F8Wasp and two technicians from her father's computer company was installing their new system.

"She's a very smart girl, though," said Sun Wukong.  "Take it from someone who's lived thousands of years -- you have to move with the times."

"Don't be biting stars all cycle, Black Hole," said the Bronze Beach Bum.  "Once Alice is purring, everything be derisann and dossy, grok what I'm blastin'?"

Popeye frowned.  He'd never learned the space surfer slang that the Bronze Beach Bum spoke.  "Alice... purring?" he asked.

"The insumatt A.I., my Hoopy Frood!" exclaimed the Bronze Beach Bum.

"That reminds me," said Popeye.  He stood and yelled across the room, "Remember!  I want an A.I. that's both smart and sexy!  For one billion dollars, I want the smartest, sexiest A.I. on the planet!"

"Don't worry," F8Wasp replied, "I got it covered.  I know just what the Archons of Misogyny want:  the brains of Albert Einstein with the body of Marilyn Monroe."

"Dang straight!" Popeye exclaimed.  After a moment he added, "And she better talk Marilyn, not Albert!  You hear me?"

FINI