Games People Play

Games People Play

Mark A Davis

271

The sky was flat.  No sun was visible, nor clouds, just a flat expanse of blue like that from a paint brush -- it had that unreal quality.  Beneath this was the jungle, and the wide path through it, paved with squares of alternating green and white marble.  On either side the dense, impenetrable foilage barred travel in any direction save forwards or backwards.  There was something else odd about the path -- each square was numbered.  The heroes were on square 62.  One square ahead, on square 63, stood the giant snake.

It towered over them like a serpent of legend -- a great Naga of Hindu mythology, or a Jörmungandr of Norse tales.  Its scales flashed blue and green and gold.  It glared with half-lidded yellow eyes and hissed, its tongue flickering in and out.  A musky, cloying odor hung in the air.

Grandpa Anarchy, world's oldest hero, punched the snake in the underbelly.  He was dressed in his usual rumpled gray suit with the silver Anarchy symbol stitched over the left breast.  Unsurprisingly his punches had little effect.  However, his companion Sun Wukong the Monkey King delivered stiffer blows with the end of his giant staff, Ruyi Jingu Bang -- a gold-banded black staff that would shrink or grow per the whims of its master.  He drove it into the serpent's neck.  The snake hissed in anger.

Sun Wukong wore black silk pants and a loose top of green and gold.  Overhead flew their two companions -- the Bronze Beach Bum on his flying surfboard, looking like a California surfer dude cast in bronze.  Clinging to the back of the surfboard was Grandpa's current sidekick, a boy in brown spandex with a brown paper bag over his head with eye holes.  He called himself the Unknown Sidekick.

"Dnyaneshwar was an important poet, philosopher, saint and yogi in 13th century India," Sun Wukong said.  He spun the staff around and, swinging in a wide arc, slammed it over the giant snake's head.  "I never met him -- he only lived to the age of 21.  But his Dnyashwari is a vital piece of writing in the Marathi language -- a commentary on the Bhagavad Gita that is praised for its aesthetic and scholarly value."

"All very interesting, I'm sure," said Grandpa, not sounding the least bit interested.  Grandpa Anarchy slammed his fist repeatedly into the giant serpent's side.  "So this is the guy that invented Chutes and Ladders?"

"No, Grandpa, Chutes and Ladders is a game marketed by Milton Bradley from the 1940's," the Unknown Sidekick called out.  "I'm only sixteen and even I know that!"

"Yes, but that game is based on Snakes and Ladders," said SunWukong, "which is the English name given to the ancient game which Dnyaneshwar created.  It's known variously as Moksha Patam, or Parama Padam, or Mokshapat, or several other names.  The game is designed to teach Hindu philosophy to children.  The ladders represent virtues and the snakes are vices, which result in a lower reincarnation."

"Yes, okay," said Grandpa, dodging the snake's next attack.  "Only I don't recall any rule where, when you met a snake, you could avoid sliding back to square one by killing the creature...."

"These worlds we're being sucked into are only based on children's games," Sun Wukong replied.  "We can't expect the rules to match up exactly with this reality.  Incidentally, the phrase back to square one originates from this very game."

"Eat my Bolts of Interstellar Force, Dirtbreath!" yelled the Bronze Beach Bum.  He flew low over the snake, blasting it with bronze-colored beams of cosmic power.

"You'll never know who punched you!" exclaimed the Unknown Hero, leaping from the flying surfboard.  He landed on the snake and peppered it with blows more futile even than those of Grandpa Anarchy.

"The only thing this game teaches you is that everything is random," Grandpa exclaimed.  He leaped onto the giant snake's back; it hissed like a giant tea kettle.  "Good things happen, bad things happen, but it's all at the mercy of the roll of the die.  There's no strategy or skill involved at all.  They might as well have named the game Crap Happens.  At least in the Monopoly world, we could use a bit of strategy!"

The snake writhed, tossing the Unknown Hero aside.  He bounced off the wall of vegetation and onto square 61.  "I'm still mad that all that Monopoly money I made isn't good for anything...." he said.

Grandpa slammed his fists down on the snake's head as hard as he could.  The snake writhed, attempting to shake Grandpa free.  Its mouth opened wide and Sun Wukong sprang forward, placing his staff in the creature's mouth.  Both ends of the magic staff extended, prying the creature's mouth so far open that it threatened to pull the head apart.

"Beach Bum, if you please!" Sun Wukong called out.

"Totally groshing, My Drook!" the Bronze surfer exclaimed.  He swung back around and fired one of his bronze energy blasts straight into the creature's gullet.

The snake thrashed about, emitting a hissing scream.  Grandpa was thrown from it's back.  The other heroes backed away and watched its death throes.  Soon the creature ceased to move.

The four heroes moved forward, guided by die rolls that appeared in the sky above them.  Soon they'd reached the end of the board -- square 100.   They waited on the last square.

"Well, that's that," said Grandpa as the world around them faded to a gray fog.  "What next?  We've scaled the Gumdrop Mountains and rescued King Kandy in Candyland.  We defeated Simon Says, even though he didn't tell us to, and we rescued the Cat in the Cradle from Jack in the Pulpit -- or was it the other way around?  Anyway, how much more of this foolishness have we got?"

"The box did say Twenty Classic Children's Games Box Set," said Sun Wukong.

"The important thing is what it said after that," Grandpa replied.  "The next time someone brings a Jumanji Edition version of any game to poker night, I'm gonna punch 'em in the face!"

The gray fog faded away.  The heroes found themselves in the center of a large stadium.  They were in some kind of giant yellow ring -- like a boxing ring the size of a baseball diamond.  Before them towered a giant robot.  It must have been fifteen feet tall, and appeared to be made of red plastic.

The crowd was screaming.  Words appeared in the air overhead:  Knock His Block Off!

Grandpa Anarchy cracked his knuckles.  "Take it easy, boys," he said.  "I got this one."

FINI