Cryptid

Cryptid

Mark A Davis

277

Grandpa Anarchy, world's oldest hero, sat in his living room and stared at the two young women seated on the couch opposite him.  He was dressed in his usual rumpled gray suit with the anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.  The room about him was cluttered, with overstuffed bookshelves lining the walls and stacks and bundles of old magazines and newspapers piled up in the corners.  One of the women looked Hispanic, with dark skin and braided hair.  Her name was Claudia.  The other was African-American, with her hair held back by a silver hair band.  She went by Lauren.

"You want me to do what?" asked Grandpa.

"We were hoping you would hunt it down and... I don't know...."  Claudia shrugged.  "It just seems dangerous, and the police won't even listen to us."

"You deal with this kind of thing all the time," Lauren added.

"Look," said Grandpa, "I don't care what you ladies think you saw.  I've lived in New Jersey all my life.  I've heard all the stories.  What I'm saying is, if this thing really existed, I'd have met it by now, trust me.  There's no such thing as the Jersey Devil."

"But we saw it!" Lauren exclaimed. "You've gotta believe us!"

"Big creature, at least five feet tall?  Kind of like a kangaroo with batlike wings?  Goatlike head, possibly with horns?  weird, skinny crane legs, but with cloven hooves?  Stubby arms and a forked tail?"

"That's it!" both women exclaimed.

Grandpa Anarchy sighed.  "I'm sure you saw something," he said.  "People see weird stuff all the time.  People see Bigfoot.  They see Nessie.  They see Mothman.  They see Yeti.  They see Spring-heeled Jack.  They see all kinds of crap.   Mongolian Death Worms?  People have seen those.  But I'm here to tell you, just because a lot of people see something, don't mean that it actually exists.

"Look, there could be a lot of explanations for this thing.  Interdimensional travel is possible -- I've done it many times.  Weird dimensions are just a jump to the right, so to speak.  Spend a day travelling around the multiverse with my friend Dark Dr. Dark; it'll open your eyes, that's for sure.  For that matter, even one day galavanting around the galaxy with Jennie Nova and her friends will lead to encounters with more strange aliens than you could shake a stick at.

"But that's where this story breaks down, see?  This thing that you're describing -- well it's more than a little ridiculous.  I've seen a lot of strange creatures in my time, but I ain't never seen anything that looked like this so-called Jersey Devil.  You can convince me that a Loch Ness Monster exists, because it's basically like a plesiosaur.  Mind you, plesiosaurs were most likely cold-blooded reptiles that would need warm waters to survive, but still, if you ignore the facts it's not too hard to imagine some of them still somehow exist in a remote Scottish lake.  It  makes a certain amount of sense.  Sasquatch?  It's easy to imagine that some sort of Hominidae thought to be extinct is still living in the Northwest mountains and forests.  Never mind that the hominids usually suggested were never in the Americas -- at least the idea makes a certain amount of sense.  Same thing for the Mongolian Death Worm -- actually it's quite easy to believe that a strange worm is still waiting to be discovered in the Gobi desert.  After all, weirder things than that have been discovered before, even things that we thought were extinct or only myths."

Grandpa Anarchy opened up a book.  "But this?" he asked.  There on the page was an illustration of what the Jersey Devil was said to look like.  "What the hell is this thing?  A bat-winged, crane-legged kangaroo goat?  Sorry, I ain't buying it -- and this thing is supposed to fly?  It's literally the dumbest-looking amalgam of disparate parts I've ever come across.  Who can actually believe something like this is real?"

"If you'd been with us this morning then you would have no doubts," said Claudia.  "And that scream!  It was the most unearthly sound I've ever heard in my life!"  She shivered just thinking about it.

"I'm sure you just heard a great horned owl," said Grandpa.  "Or possibly a screech owl."

"Mr. Anarchy," said Lauren, "I was born in the Pine Barrens.  I know what owls sounds like.  This was something else."

"Then it was a sandhill crane!" said Grandpa.

"Those don't even exist in New Jersey anymore," said Lauren.

"Then it was a goat," said Grandpa irritably.  "Goats can scream like nobody's business -- I've seen videos on Youtube that will scare grown men.  Anyway, have you considered the idea that what you saw might have been an African hammer-headed bat?  Those things are massive -- wingspans of over three feet, with long snouts that look a bit goatlike.  I'm sure if you saw one, you might think it was the legendary Jersey Devil."

"An African bat -- in New Jersey?" asked Lauren.

"Sure," said Grandpa.  "Maybe it stowed away on a boat or something."  He shifted in his seat, as if daring them to question this rather ridiculous suggestion.  The two women exchanged glances, but said nothing.

After a moment, Grandpa added, "Look, I'll be the first to admit there's a lot of weird junk in this world.  I've encountered most of it.  Alien grays?  I've fought 'em.  Deros -- people who live in caverns beneath the earth?  I've run into those too.  Point is, I'm not just your typical skeptic saying this.  I've searched for the Jersey Devil in the past, because I've heard all the stories.  But there just ain't no monster like this to be found, not even in the depths of the Pine Barrens.  I'm sorry, but I can't be wasting my time looking for some goofy legend that nobody's ever actually seen."

"But we saw..." Claudia began, but Lauren stood and took her friend's hand.

"We understand, Mr. Anarchy," she said.  "We're sorry to have bothered you."

***

Once the women were gone, Grandpa strode through the kitchen and into a back room.  He flopped down in a folding chair set before a card table.  Cards and chips were on the table, along with several open beer bottles and  bowls of peanuts.

Across from Grandpa sat a very tall creature covered in black fur.  It looked a bit like an ape, and big like an oversized human.  To his right was another humanoid with massive, mothlike wings.  To his left sat a creature that looked something like a kangaroo, but with batlike wings and the head of a goat.

"Good gravy!" Grandpa said.  "Some people can't take no for an answer!"  He glared at the creature on his left and added, "You have got to be more careful when you come to visit.  That's the second month in a row that people have run into you!"

The creature emitted an unearthly scream in response.  Then, in a voice like the wind through the barren pines it added, "Sorry Grandpa."

"That's okay," said Grandpa, "I managed to get rid of them . Now, who's deal is it?  Mothman's?"

FINI