Mauve Mist

Mauve Mist

Mark A Davis

241

Drumbeats echoed through the Southeast Asian jungle.  The scent of sandalwood incense hung in the humid air.  Birds cried out and monkeys screamed overhead, as apes in gray German military uniforms and black hooded robes swarmed over a giant stone alter set in a clearing.  An orange-furred orangutan wielded a long knife and a sealed vial of pinkish-purple smoke and shouted, "Stay back, human clown!  This is our day!  With this sacrifice, zombie Kong shall have his vengeance!"  The orangutan wore a Nazi uniform with a lab coat, wire-rimmed glasses, and had stitches down the right side of his face.

"Not on my watch, Zombie Zaius!" shouted Grandpa Anarchy.  The world's oldest hero was dressed in his usual rumpled  gray suit with an anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.

"You're going to sacrifice who, now?" asked Grandpa Anarchy's sidekick F8Wasp (pronounced Fate Wasp).  The young woman with long black hair wore a sleek black and silver outfit with a mask.  She held up the ropes that had recently bound her to the altar.

Zombie Zaius hissed and lunged with his knife.  F8Wasp dodged back, drawing a dart gun.  Grandpa Anarchy punched the orangutan in the face.  The primate stumbled backwards, dropping the vial, which shattered on stone.

"Look out, Grandpa!" shouted F8Wasp as the strange-colored smoke was released.   She leaped away, but the strange-colored smoke that poured forth from the shattered vial quickly coalesced into a man.  He was young, clean-shaven and powerfully muscled.  He wore red briefs, boots, a belt, and chest straps.  An amulet where the straps crossed in the center of his chest had a large letter I on it.

"Why, John Nama, as I live and breathe!" Grandpa Anarchy exclaimed.  He punched a zombie gorilla.  "Aka Impressive Man, aka The Mauve Mist!  Where in Hades have you been?"

The newcomer stared at Grandpa.  "Do I know you?" Nama replied.

"It's me!  Grandpa Anarchy," Grandpa replied.  "Oh, but you would remember me as Mister Anarchy or Sargent Anarchy."

Nama's eyes widened.  "Great Buddha's Ghost!  What happened to you?  You look like you're a hundred years old!"

"I am," Grandpa said.  "How long have you been in that bottle?"

With a cacophony of screeching, yelling and bellowing, a half-dozen primates in military garb -- apes, gorillas, orangutans and one probiscis monkey -- charged the stone platform, which was about fifteen feet wide and a dozen high.  F8Wasp nailed two with sleeping darts, while Grandpa Anarchy punched one, knocking him into another.  Impressive Man attacked the last two with ferocious speed and strength.  He leveled one with several quick blows, then grasped and lifted the other overhead, tossing him back to the jungle floor.

"What's with these Buddha-cursed monkeys?" Impressive Man asked.

"Human trash!" one gorilla called out.  "We're primates!  You're the cursed monkey!"

"It's the Elucidated Order of Megaprimatus Kong," Grandpa exclaimed.  "Their leader is called Zombie Zaius.  They're educated primates from the future whose stated goal is to resurrect King Kong as a zombie.  For some reason they favor Nazi clothing."

Grandpa, F8Wasp, and Impressive Man fought the Nazi zombie cultist primates for several more minutes before the last of them screeched and ran into the jungle, shouting dire warnings and threats.  Grandpa dusted off his suit.  "So much for bringing Zombie Kong to life today," he said.  "I told them I wasn't having any of that."

"So," said F8Wasp, "you know this person.  What was the name?  Impressive Man?"

"That's right," Grandpa replied.  "John Nama was a fixture in PegasusUnicorn Comics in the 1930's and 1940's -- during the Golden Age of comics!"

F8Wasp smirked.  "He was?  He looks like a real person to me," she said.  "Mind you, I thought he might be a jeanie, the way he appeared in a puff of pink smoke."

"Of course he's real!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "Lots of the old heroes were.   I myself was published by ELA -- the Evron Lempel-Anarchy Comic Company.  But of course you know I'm real.

"John Nama was an orphan at the Millard Fillmore Orphanage for Disadvantaged Youth -- the same place I came from.  Only in his case, he was taken to Tibet and raised by a Council of Nine Tibetan Sages to be superhuman."

"What," said F8Wasp, "nine old men from Tibet just show up in Frosthaven and say, 'We want to adopt?'"

"Well, adoption laws were lax back in the day," said Grandpa.  "Anyway, they trained him to be superhumanly strong and fast and smart.  They even trained him to turn into a mist.  When he was twenty-one and had learned everything they could teach him, he had to pass several final tests to prove his superiority to normal humans!"

"I had to stop a team of elephants to prove my strength," said Impressive Man.  "That was easy!  Then I fought a dozen cobras while bound and gagged, to prove my superior speed.  Then I proved my ability to withstand pain by having a dozen knives plunged into my torso.  I laughed at the pain!"

F8Wasp frowned.  "I'm finding all of this a little hard to believe...."

"After that," said Impressive Man, "there was a  test of one thousand questions in all the languages of the world on all subjects.  I passed with flying colors."

"A  thousand questions?" F8Wasp repeated.  "In all the languages of the world?  But there are...."  She paused to consult her wrist-mounted device.  "6,909 living languages in the world, and many of those do not have a written version...."

"I PASSED," Impressive Man repeated more forcefully, "WITH FLYING COLORS!"

F8Wasp sighed.  "Yeah, okay, Tibetan monks raised you to be superhuman.  Sure, whatever.  And this specialized training... taught you to turn into a mist?"

"That's right,' said Impressive Man.  "They trained me real good."  He transformed to a mauve mist and back again to prove the point.

There came a crack of thunder and a flash of white smoke.  Suddenly a man in red robes appeared before them.  The upper half of his face was obscured by a hood that hung low over his eyes.  Upon the forehead of the hood was a question mark in white.

"The Unanswered Riddle!" exclaimed Impressive Man.  "My old nemesis!"

"Indeed!" the newcomer exclaimed.  "John Nama, my ancient foe!  For many years were you trapped within that glass vial, until those accursed monkeys stole it from me...."

"We are primates!" a voice from the surrounding forest called out.  "We are not monkeys!"

"So it was you who trapped me for all of these years!" Impressive Man exclaimed.

"Indeed it was I!" the mysterious mage replied.  "And in the time you've been gone I have grown more powerful than you could ever imagine!  I now wield power over you such as you could never conceive!"

Impressive Man squared his shoulders.  "Do your worst, Unanswered Riddle," he said.  "Your psychic powers are impressive but my mind is far too strong to fall under your sway!"

"It is not through  the powers of my mind that I control you," said the villain, "but the powers of exclusive intellectual property rights."

Impressive Man looked confused.  Grandpa frowned.  "Don't tell me..." he began.

"That's right, you fool!" exclaimed the Unanswered Question.  "In 1955 I purchased the rights to PegasusUnicorn Comics!  That includes all publication rights to John Nama, Impressive Man, and the Mauve Mist!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"  He stared at the heroes and sneered.  "This team-up of yours has been completely unauthorized.  Mr. Anarchy, you'll be hearing from my attorney!"

The villain laughed again and disappeared with a thunderclap in another cloud of smoke.

Grandpa said, "Well, horse pucky!"

FINI