Grandfather Clause

Grandfather Clause

Mark A Davis

297

Agents Prolka and Surrnian, please report to floor 32, section 7 for assignment.  Agents Prolk and Surrnian to floor 32, section 7.  Attention security:  we have a code eleven security breach on floor 65.  All unassigned security, please report to floor 65....

The voice was pleasant and feminine and echoed in the wide, clean hallways.  After a while you got to where you almost didn't hear it.  This place reminded her of an airport or hospital -- people rushing everywhere, security everywhere, with the only diffeerence being that they were all beautiful young women  between 165 and 175 centimeters, and dressed in silver bikinis and go-go boots.

S.I.B.S. Space Station Prokone 4 was the official name of the headquarters of the Society of Intergalactic Space Babes, in orbit above the planet Prokone 4 in the Eieio (prounounced EE-Yow) Interstellar Empire.  Here could be found thousands of similarly-clad young women, each with a belt and holster holding a laser pistol.  None looked more than maybe nineteen, although she knew many were far older.  There was a template for membership in the Space Babes, and you were engineered to meet those specifications for the length of your tour.

The girl had auburn hair, and was slightly too tall to be a space babe, with perhaps not quite enough curves, though she was remarkably beautiful.  She waited in line at the rebirth stations, where multiple doorways along a long corridor each lead to a small rebirth chamber.  Other girls talked and giggled as they waited, but she was quiet.  She seemed uncomfortable.

"Next," the attendant called out.  The girl followed her into a room.

"Hello," the girl said.  "My name is Evander.  I was told that...."

"No talking," the woman replied.  "Strip!  Laundry chute is to your left."

Evander frowned, but did as she was told.  The technician was dressed no different than other space babes, but had an air of authority like that of a doctor.  She studied a holo pad.

Evander shivered in the cool air.  At least, she told herself, this strange dream was almost over.

"Name?" the technician asked.

"Evander the Explorer," said Evander.  "That is, Evander Jaskulski."

The technician looked her up and down.  "Well," she said, "aren't you a beauty?  We certainly won't have to change your looks much!  You're new?"

"Yes," said Evander.  "I just need you to...."

"Just answer the question -- no chit chat!"  The woman barked.  "Get into the rebirth chamber.  Over here, up these steps..."

Again, Evander did as she was told.  The chamber was a tube of steel and glass with a door at the top that lifted up.  She sank into the warm, greenish liquid within.  "I just need..." she began.

"What did I say?" the woman replied.  "Don't waste time.  I process girls like you all day, and I have a hundred more to do before the day's done."  She frowned at her holo pad , then added, "According to the A.I., Evander is a masculine name on your homeworld.  It recommends a more feminine alternate.  Did you have one in mind?"  The lid began to slid shut.

"No," said Evander.  "You see, I...."

The lid closed, sealing Evander in, muffling her words.  Green liquid rose over her head, filling the chamber.  As consciousness dimmed, she heard the technician say, "We'll go with Evangeline, then.  Eve for short...."

***

The world slowly faded into view.  The rebirth chamber lid was open, the green liquid draining from it.

"Now, you may notice some changes," the technician said.  "Few were needed but you were a tad too tall, and your curves have been enhanced just a bit... larger breasts and hips, slightly narrower waist.  It may take some getting used to.  Your civilian I.D. is registered under your new name, but I ran into a problem when I tried to locate your S.I.S.B. registration."

A wave of nausea struck Evander.  "I'm... not a member of the S.I.S.B.," she managed.

"Not yet you aren't," the woman replied.  "You haven't signed your contract.  But there should have been an application on file, and I couldn't find one.  Luckily I figured it out.  You were registered as a sidekick to Grandpa Anarchy, and there's that grandfather clause that exempts you from the tests.  I've set you up with a temporary membership in the Space Babes, just until you sign your contract...."

Evander climbed from the rebirth chamber.  She stared down at herself.  "Why am I still a girl?" she growled.

The technician offered a patronizing smile.  "Dear, only girls can join the Space Babes.  You really ought to know that by now...."

Evander scowled.  "But I'm not joining the Space Babes!" she exclaimed.

The technician frowned.  "I'm sorry?  Then why are you here?"

***

Once again the world swam into focus.  Evander felt the wave of nausea as the green liquid drained and the chamber lid unsealed.  His hands explored his groin, finding something that hadn't been there for several days.  Yes, he thought, finally.  I'm a man again!

"Welcome back to the land of the living," said the technician.  "It's been two hours.  How are you feeling?"

"Sick.  But good," Evander replied.  He climbed out of the chamber and stood under a nearby shower.

"I apologize again," said the technician.  "I didn't realize you weren't a space babes recruit.  You might have said.  All I do all day every day is transform new recruits."  She sighed dramatically.  "Just my luck, too!" she said.  "You made such a cute, sexy girl!  I could have invited you back to my place, and who knows where that might have led?"

Evander was confused.  Suddenly this all-business woman was retroactively propositioning his female self?  Was he hearing this right?

"But  it's the same story every time," she added.  "I meet a sexy new girl, and she's either involved already, or she's straight, or she wants to become a boy...."  She smirked.

Evande frowned.  "I..." he began.  "That is...."

"I'm teasing you, of course!" the technician said with a laugh.

"Um..." said Evander, suddenly fascinated.  "Are there a lot of girls like you in the Space Babes?"

"Lesbians?  Oh, quite a few I think," said the technician.  "After all, nearly a third of our members were boys before joining, and a lot of them still like girls...."  She glanced over at the dressing station and pursed her lips.  "You didn't bring anything to wear, did you?  I'm afraid all I've got are silver bikinis... I'll have to have something brought down.  After all, we do transform space babes into boys again on occasion.  Not all remain girls when  their tour is up!"

"Actually," said Evander, "I always dreamed of dating a space babe... one with green hair...."

But now that Evander was himself again, certain things he'd heard were lining up in his head.

Only girls can join the Space Babes.

One third of our members were boys before joining.

Not all remain girls when their tour is up.

There's that grandfather clause that exempts you from the tests.

I've set you up with a temporary membership.

Just until you sign your contract....

The space babes were established by Major Tom Nova.  His wife Destiny was the founding member.  Evander had read comics and pulp stories about the Nova family, had dreamed of adventures in space, since he was a kid.  But his favorite was a fictional green-haired alien space babe named Sally Stardust....

My goal is to sleep with an alien space babe....

"When you sign a contract with the space babes," said Evander, "how long is is the tour?"

"Three years," said the technician.  "You agree to become a space babe, of course.  There's training and missions... and you get to be a sexy girl in a bikini the whole time!  Why do you ask?"

"And anyone can join?" he asked.  "That is, anyone can become a sexy girl?  For three years only?"

"Well, we don't discriminate by race or gender," she said, "but we do favor younger members.  A lot of people apply, so there are tests to weed out the less qualified...  of course, as I said, sidekicks to Grandpa Anarchy have a special grandfather clause that lets you skip that.  It's really a Grandfather Anarchy clause, I suppose!"

"And I could stay in space," said Evander, "and go on a lot of adventures...."  He paused, then added, "Could I request green hair?"

The technician blinked in suprise.

"Of course," she said.  "So, you... want to climb back into the rebirth chamber, Eve?"

***

The door irised open and Grandpa Anarchy entered their quarters.  A girl with green hair in a silver bikini and go-go boots lay on the couch.  Grandpa frowned.  "I thought you went to get changed into a guy," said Grandpa.

"I did," the girl replied, as she read an S.I.S.B. training manual.

Grandpa sighed.  "Figures.  I loose more sidekicks this way...."

FINI

Gadda Da Vida (repost)

(Note:  This story was originally posted on February 26, 2018, after which I spent March and April attempting to post 1 story a day on a theme of magical girls for Magical March 2018.  The last story I posted was #28 of that series, Dark Forces, which I posted on April 15, 2018.  Although I wrote three more stories to complete that arc, the big battle story Friendly Invasion was not as well-written as I would have liked, and I held off posting it until I could rewrite it.  Which... I still haven't done.  I wrote very little for the next year, and then when I began writing again this August I started with a new series of linked stories, which I shall probably publish soon.

In the meantime, I have a series of stories that I wrote centered around the sidekick in this story, and before I begin posting the rest of them I thought it would be a good idea to repost this one, so that anyone reading here can read them in order.)

Gadda Da Vida

Mark A Davis

286

"Sometimes I help out the S.I.S.B.," said Grandpa Anarchy, earth's oldest active hero.  "Especially Jennie Nova and her friend Llahna.  But this is the first time they've had me run a mission for them without an actual member coming along."  He gripped the steering wheel of the space ship, even though it flew itself, and stared out into the starry night.  "Of course, you and I aren't actual members of the S.I.S.B. -- you gotta be young and female for that."

As he always did, Grandpa Anarchy wore a rumpled gray suit with an anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.

The ship was sleek and smooth and silver, with comfortable bucket seats and digital readouts.  The computer ran the ship, but this was only a small scout ship, not the fancy war vessel that Grandpa's friends normally used, with it's sentient A.I. and teleporters and clone rebirth vats.  Their mission was a simple one -- to check out a planet that was thought to be uninhabited, and then return with a report.

His sidekick, a young boy named Evander the Explorer, called out, "There's a closet back here full of silver bikinis and go-go boots."

"Well, that's their uniform," Grandpa said.

"Oh, I know," said Evander.  "I was a huge fan of Major Tom and Destiny Nova.  They formed the Society for Intergalactic Space Babes!"

"Ideally," said Grandpa, I'd have brought a female sidekick along, and then you could have abandoned me and joined their group to explore space.  That's how it usually goes."

"Explore space in a silver bikini?  I don't think so."  Evander returned to the front seat.  The boy was six feet tall and well muscled, with closely-cropped brown hair and a square jaw.  He wore the kind of retro space suit that would have made Buck Rogers proud.  "Now if I could date an alien space babe -- one like Sally Stardust, with green hair -- that'd be awesome!"  He pulled a picture from his suit and placed it on the ship dash.  "Isn't she beautiful?  I'd bang her in a second!"

The girl pictured had green hair, solid blue eyes, pale skin, and antenna -- but was otherwise a sexy space babe in a silver bikini.

"Yeah, sure," Grandpa muttered.

"I'm really excited to be exploring out in space!" said Evander.  "My goal is to sleep with an alien babe, and since we're working for the space babes, that's bound to happen!  I mean, I was hoping we'd get have missions halfway across the galaxy, but I didn't really think it'd happen so quickly.  So what are we looking for anyway?"

"The 5E has received reports of ships going missing near planet Dilmun," said Grandpa.  "We're here to check it out."

Even as he said this, the planet in question appeared in the view port -- a blue-green planet very similar to earth, but with unfamiliar land masses.  Grandpa gripped the steering wheel tighter.  The ship entered orbit, then began to descend.

"5E?" asked Evander.

"A division of the Eieio (pronounced Ee-Yow) Empire government," Grandpa said.  "The Space Babes work for them, so that's who we're really working for.  It stands for Eieio Empire Endowment and Encouragement Enforcement...."

He paused.  An alarm was sounding.  Red lights lit the cockpit.  "What is it?" asked Evander.

"WARNING!" a computer voice boomed out.  "ENGINES ARE WITHOUT POWER.  WARNING!"

"We've lost all engine power!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "I don't know what to do -- I'm not actually a pilot!  The computer's supposed to take care of everything!"

The computer repeated, "WARNING!  ENGINES ARE WITHOUT POWER!  WARNING!"

The two watched, helpless, as their ship plummeted to the planet surface.

***

Grandpa awoke in a field of grass and flowers.  He was not surprised to awake from a hard ship crash -- he was used to surviving impossible situations, or at least being revived after death.  But he expected to be in great pain, and he was not.  He felt -- normal.

He sat up.  In fact, he felt better than normal -- younger, stronger, in better health.  He blinked.  There was ship debris all around him.  He was also stark naked.

There was no sign of his clothing anywhere.  The ship was utterly destroyed, reduces to chunks of smoldering metal.  But around him birds sang and chirped in the trees.  It was a warm, sunny day.  He flexed his arms, then glanced down at his crotch.  That part of him felt revitalized, too.

There was a moan nearby.  He approached a pile of debris to find his sidekick buried beneath it.  He knelt down, then paused.  The person looked like his sidekick, to a degree -- that is, the face was similar to Evander's, but with more delicate features, and framed by long, auburn hair.  This was clearly a young woman, there was no mistaking it.  For one thing, she was also naked, and her breasts were fully exposed.  Grandpa glanced away, feeling something stir within him that he hadn't felt in years.  He felt ashamed.  She looked to be all of sixteen or seventeen, and he was over a century old.  Also he assumed she was really Evander -- quite apart from the facial similarities, there should be no other human on the planet.

The girl opened her eyes.  "Grandpa?" she asked.  "What happened?  Did we crash?"

Grandpa Anarchy frowned.  How did one explain this?

A large metal beam lay across the girl's neck and shoulders.  Her legs and arms were also pinned.  "Yes.  We crashed," Grandpa replied.  "Your body... um... I don't know how to put this...."

The girl's eyes went wide.  "I'm injured, aren't I?" she asked.  "Is it bad?  Tell me, Grandpa; give it to me straight -- I can take it."

"No, you seem... perfectly healthy, It's just...."  Grandpa's voice faltered.  "That is... um... I mean you're not...."

"Am I going to die?" the girl asked.

"No," Grandpa said firmly.  "Look, let's get you free from there.  That's the first thing."

Soon the girl was free.  She stared down at her body in horror.  "Grandpa, what's happened to me?" she cried out, her voice going higher.  "Why am I a girl?"

"That's... one question which I am rarely asked," said Grandpa.  "Although on reflection, it's not as rare as you'd think.  I don't know the answer.  What I do know is that we crashed, but we're somehow just fine... except that you're a girl."

"Crashing spaceships don't cause people to change genders!" the girl said, beginning to panic.

"Not normally, in my experience," Grandpa replied.  "Although I can't say I've been in a lot of spaceship crashes, so perhaps the sample size is too small...."

"This doesn't make any sense!"

"Now, calm down, girl," Grandpa said.  He thought of her as the girl because trying to reconcile the image of this naked girl with that of his former sidekick Evander the Explorer hurt his brain.  "Panicking won't solve anything.  The good news is that we registered your physical and genetic profile with 5E before we left, so assuming we get off this planet they can always transform you back.  Let's explore this place and see what we can find.  We really don't got much choice in the matter anyway, and we probably want to find shelter before nightfall.  There aren't any pieces of the ship large enough to suffice...."

The grass was soft beneath their bare feet.  Insects buzzed, but no mosquitoes or wasps bothered them.  Butterflies drifted on sunlight.  The whole planet seemed to be more curated park than actual wilderness.

"There's something weird about this place," Grandpa said.  "It's too perfect.  It reminds me of something, but I'm not sure exactly what..."

"You know, Grandpa," girl Evander said.  "It's not just me that's changed.  You look a lot younger and more muscular, too.  More... viral."

"Viral!" exclaimed Grandpa.  "Why, I ain't been viral in a whale's age!"

They wandered through meadows filled with clover and bright flowers.  They crested a hill.  Below them was a valley with a lake.  The smooth surface of the water was like crystal.  There were snow-capped mountains in the distance.  Grandpa knew that nature could be picturesque, but this scene reminded him of a Bob Ross painting, full of happy rocks and happy trees.  It was a little too perfect to be real.

He glanced up.  "Now that's a strange-looking fruit," he said.  Branches of the tree hung low with very large, white fruit  that was almost box-shaped.

Grandpa picked one.  "Careful," said the girl.  "We don't know what's safe to eat."

"I have a feeling that everything is safe on this planet," Grandpa replied.  He pried down the sides of the boxy fruit, which peeled back like a banana.  Inside was revealed a more obviously box-like interior.  It looked like a large, square nut, but this also opened, like a box from Chinese take-out.

"Why, it's a fried chicken lunch!" Grandpa exclaimed.  He pulled a chicken breast from the box and bit into it.  "Tastes just like chicken!" he exclaimed.  "More than that -- it tastes like the best fried chicken I've ever had!"

"Are you sure this is safe to eat?" asked the girl.  "If it turns you into a woman too, don't come crying to me."

"I think I'm safe," Grandpa replied.  "I don't know what it is about this planet, but everything seems designed to make us as comfortable as possible.  I don't think we'll starve, at any rate."

They sat in the grass and ate lunch, then continued to explore.  They followed a stream and soon came upon a small pool.  Steam arose from the water, which bubbled up from underground.  With moss-covered rocks that encircled the pool, it seemed like a natural hot tub.

"A natural hot springs!" Grandpa exclaimed.  "Hotcha!  I don't know about you, but I'm getting in!"

Grandpa tested the water, then stepped in.  "What if it's a trap?" asked the girl.

"This whole planet is a trap," Grandpa replied.  "But a very comfortable one."  He sunk to his neck in the steaming water.  "Oh, that feels amazing!  Why, there's sand at the bottom of the pool, and rocks that form a ledge to sit on...."

The girl folded her arms beneath her breasts.  "Grandpa," she said, "we're stranded on a very weird alien world, and however pleasant and accommodating it might be, we've been trapped here against our will and I've been transformed into a freakin' girl!  I can't help but feel that you're not taking this seriously enough!"

Grandpa Anarchy stared up at the girl.  "Oh, I know all that," he said.  "This planet is a cage -- a very pretty cage created to keep us comfortable, but a cage nonetheless.  But that don't mean I can't enjoy a relaxing soak in a natural hot springs.  You should join me -- I mean, we're already naked, so why not?"

The girl sighed, but eventually she did slip into the pool and sank up to her neck.  Water soaked her hair.

After a relaxing bath, the two climbed from the pool.  There were no towels, but they dried quickly in the warm air.  They continued their search, but very quickly came across something new.

It was a bed.  It sat in a beautiful clearing beneath the cover of a large tree.  It wasn't just any bed, either --  larger than a king-sized mattress, in the shape of a valentine, with red and pink and white satin sheets and pillows and comforters.

Grandpa frowned.  "Now that," he said, "is taken straight out of a love hotel, I'd swear."

"What, are we supposed to sleep together on it?" the girl asked.

"Do you want to?" Grandpa asked.

"No!" the girl exclaimed.  "Not a chance!"

"Me neither," Grandpa said.  "But this confirms what I've been suspecting all along."  He stepped into the clearing and called out, "Okay Yahweh or Elohim or whatever you're calling yourself!  The jig is up!  Come out where we can see you!"

In a blinding flash of light, god appeared.

He shined so brightly that it hurt to look at him.  It was like staring into the sun.  He cast shadows on the ground in all directions.  But what you could see, in quick glances and sidelong views, was not exactly what you might expect.  The man was tall enough, and balding, with a white beard -- but that beard was scraggly and unkempt, and his robes were tattered and torn.  If the gods dwell on Mount Olympus, then this was the god who slept in the gutter and begged for change during the day so that he could afford a bottle of nectar.

"I AM YAHWEH!" the god boomed.  "WHO DARES SUMMON ME?"

"Hah!" Grandpa barked.  He danced a little jig around the clearing.  "One of the Shaggy Gods!  I knew it!  These jokers all think they're the one true god of Israel -- call themselves Yahweh or Elohim or Jehovah.   They all model themselves after the god of the Bible."

"I DO NOT!" the god exclaimed.  "I AM THE ONE TRUE YAHWEH, YOUR LORD AND GOD!"

"Let's get one thing straight:  you ain't no god of mine," Grandpa snarled.  He glanced at his sidekick.  "They set up a garden of Eden on some paradise world somewhere, then try to trap an Adam an an Eve so that they can play out the whole creation myth all over again."

The girl's eyes grew wide with horror.  "Wait a minute.  Doesn't that make me...."

"Yes.  You're Eve," Grandpa said.  "Mother to an entire race of humans -- at least, if this joker gets his way."  He paused, then added, "This planet, Dilmun -- that's probably some ancient word for Eden, isn't it?"

"WHAT IF IT IS?" the god replied.  "BY THE WAY, THIS IS NOT THE PLANET YOU WERE ORBITING.  WE ARE SIXTY MILLION LIGHT YEARS DISTANCE FROM DILMUN.  I HAVE SEEDED MANY PLANETS IN THIS MANNER, EACH WITH ITS OWN ADAM AND EVE, PROGENITORS OF A NEW RACE OF PEOPLE, FAR FROM THE PRYING EYES OF ANY WHO MIGHT SEEK TO INTERFERE."

"We're not going to participate, you know," Grandpa said.  "We refuse to take part in your little Bible fantasies."

"OH," said the god, "I DO NOT NEED WILLING PARTICIPANTS.  I AM GOD; I CAN MAKE YOU DO AS I WISH."

Grandpa Anarchy charged the god suddenly.  He flew at him, swinging.  His fist collided with the god's chin, driving him back.  The god stumbled, more from shock than from any actual injury.  He rubbed his chin.

"HOW DARE YOU?" he bellowed.  "I AM YOUR GOD!"

"I told you, Moron -- you ain't no god of mine!" Grandpa snarled.  "I'll strike you as often and as hard as it pleases me to do so!  I'm a hero -- I punch people more powerful than me for a living, and I've been doing it for over a hundred years, and no tin pot, delusional, faux-divine Yahweh wannabe is gonna stop me!"

"Yeah!" Evander replied, raising her fists.  "Same here!"

Yahweh glared at Grandpa Anarchy and Evander the Explorer, fury in his eyes.  "YOU TWO ARE NOT WORTHY TO BE THE ADAM AND EVE OF THIS NEW WORLD!"

"Well, good," said Grandpa, "because I...."

There was a flash.  Grandpa found himself gripping the steering wheel of their spaceship, and staring through thick glass at a sea of stars.  He blinked.

"Well!" he said.  "That worked out better than we probably could have hoped."  He grinned.  "Now that's how you deal with a god!  Stupid Shaggy Gods, always trying to recreate the garden of Eden!  I ain't having it!  Now we just need to get back to S.I.B.S. headquarters and file our report explaining why people near Dilmun are disappearing, and to warn everyone to steer clear of that stupid planet -- unless, you know, some young couple wants to be trapped in a garden of Eden...."

"Um," a feminine voice said.  Grandpa frowned.  A familiar naked girl sat in the passenger seat.  Belatedly, Grandpa realized he was also naked.

"Well, crap," Grandpa said after a few moments.  "Mind you, the S.I.S.B. can change you back... but I'm gonna look like a danged fool in a silver bikini and go-go boots...."

FINI

Magical March 28: Dark Forces

Magical March 28

Dark Forces

Mark A Davis

339

Parasol held aloft, Gothic Angel Galinda floated down from the sky and landed on cobblestone streets slick with rain.  It was near midnight in London, and a waxing moon was partially obscured by clouds.  Up ahead shadows moved and flowed across an alley, independent of any moving lights.  Galinda wore an elaborate Gothic Lolita dress with tiered ruffles, long sleeves, lacing up the front that ended in a bow, and black tights decorated with tiny skull and crossbone designs and black leather platform boots, also decorated with silver skulls.  Her hair was straight and brown, with straight bangs across the forehead.  Her face was pale, her lipstick and nail polish black.

"So tell me something," Galinda said as she closed her parasol carefully.  "These enemies are not created by you?"

"Oh my goodness, no," Sita said.  The magical girl adviser was once again in her animal form -- which was not an animal, but a floating ball of white fur with large brown eyes and  rabbit ears.  "We never provide enemies for our agents.  Our goal is to create more good in the world, not to simply look good."

"Which is why I am not really a Dark Magical Girl, but a magical girl who looks dark?" Galinda asked.  She watched the shadows carefully.  They rippled and bubbled.  This disturbance grew closer.

"What we were provided with as a template are really prompts for internet artists," Sita said.  "I have no idea how the corporate bigwigs back in Nibiru expected us to interpret Dark Magical Girl, but obviously we are not about to set up a girl who uses negativity to sow chaos and sorrow and mistrust... watch that wall to the right," she added.

"Which is what an actual Dark Magical Girl, sponsored by the Dark Magical Girl Division of Hell, would do?" asked Galinda.

"Right," said Sita.  "If we did that, it would be a failure of Nibiru’s goals.  So I chose to interpret this as a Gothic magical girl…."

"Basically," said Galinda, "a magical girl with black lipstick and a bad attitude?"

Three shadows detached from the wall and charged forward.  Gothic Angel Galinda twirled her folded parasol and then aimed it like a gun.  "Bang," she said.  "Bang!  Bang!  Bang!"

The shadows were ripped to shreds, as if they'd been pierced by invisible bullets.  They splashed onto the sidewalk like spilled ink and then drained away to nothing.

More shadows were moving from across the street to Galinda's left.  She turned to face them.

"You can think of yourself in that manner if you wish," said Sita.  "So long as you're battling the dark forces with your magic, you are doing good."

"That's another thing that confuses me," Galinda said.  "You're from a place called Nibiru, which is not heaven, I take it?"

"No, it most certainly is not," Sita replied.  "Heaven has their own magical girl program — the Angelic Council.  Until recently I worked for them, but they can be very rule bound and hidebound to the point of impracticality.  At some point you must stop worrying about the rules and ask:  how can I help this magical girl?  In what way can I do the most good?  Obviously that should be the goal of a heavenly entity, but far too often they can’t see forest for the trees.  When I had enough, I left for Nibiru."

Galinda aimed her gun again.  "Bang!" she exclaimed.  "Bang!  Bang!  Bang!"

"There are a lot of them," said Sita.  "Might I suggest the Gatling gun?"

"Right," said Galinda.  "Ratta tatta tatta tatta tat!"

Shadow creatures burst apart in a wide swath before them.

"But not all of your enemies are sent from Hell, either?" asked Galinda.  "You mentioned dark forces...."

"The truth," said Sita, "is that Hell's Dark Magical Girl Division is even smaller than the Angelic Council's magical girl operations.  Both are dwarfed by the number of magical girls that Nibiru sponsors.  That's really our entire focus, after all.  So while our magical girls sometimes face agents from Hell, most of what they face are what you might call independent actors — evil spirits, vengeful ghosts, humans who desire mischief, monsters and the like…

"And dark forces?" Galinda asked again.

The Gothic magical girl imagined Sita biting her lip -- although of course in this form she had no mouth.  After several moments she said, "We do not speak of this often, but... just as Nibiru is a collective of former angels and others who wish to support magical girls and promote good, there are collectives with their own largely nefarious goals.  Some claim to aid magical girls, but do not have the best interests of you girls in mind.  Others are purely malevolent.  These are often staffed by demons exiled from hell, or by vile spirits such as evil gods and fairies.  Some of the larger ones are known as Arcticus Nox, the Samharrow Collective, and Shadowloche, but there are many of them, all much smaller than Nibiru itself.  As a rule, such dark forces have problems working together and getting along.  Despite this they cause a lot of mischief, taken as a whole.  Hell does not collaborate with them directly, just as we do not collaborate with the Angelic Council -- but Hell and these other dark forces often have the same goals in mind."

The last of the shadows rushed forward.  Gothic Angel Galinda swung her parasol like a sword, slicing through the creatures.  Some slipped past her guard and attached themselves to her.  They were sticky as if made of tar.  Realizing she could not shoot or slice all of them, Galinda raised her parasol overhead and called out, "Gothic Angel Galinda, Final Attack:  Purifying Gloom!"

A mist rolled in, like fog from the Thames.  The shadow creatures writhed as if bathed in holy water.  Within moments, the last of them had faded away.

"That really shouldn't work," said Sita.  If she had a mouth she would be frowning.  "Gloom is not a thing which purifies...."

Galinda said, "You've been creating magical girls all month, haven't you?   From what you've told me, sinister forces are acting against them -- sending shadow creatures against me, giant stuffed animals against the girl in Brazil, dark fairy creatures against your fairy team in Oregon, a dark galactic queen and her minions against the sailor team in Denver, and even an evil dwarf against that fairy tale duo.

"What you need to do," Galinda said, "is figure out which of these dark force collectives is behind all of this, and invade them with an army of magical girls.  If they're all as small as you say, you can win with overwhelming odds...."

"That," said Sita, "would be quite imprac...."

A bell chimed.  A holographic screen appeared before Sita.  Appearing on the screen was a robed woman with white wings and long, lavender hair.

"Ysolde?" asked Sita.

"Sita," said Ysolde.  "I just wanted to let you know directly from me that Nephele looked into those dark force rumors that Icarus brought forth, and nothing came of it.  They were completely unfounded -- which, given that the information came from a demon, is perfectly understandable.  In any case, there is no need to pursue that lead any further."

Sita raised an eyebrow.  "I see," she said.  "And is there a reason why Nephele is not reporting this information herself?"

"She is unable to," said Ysolde.  "She has been reassigned."

"Understood," said Sita.  The holo screen winked out.

"What's that about?" asked Galinda.

"I'm not sure," Sita said, looking thoughtful.  "Icarus had a very good lead on our mysterious dark forces, but he was working directly with Nephele of Nibiru's Counterintelligence Agency.  They would never share information with Ysolde, and Icarus had told no one who his source of information was....

"I think," said Sita, "that you and I will take a trip to see Icarus and the others...."

FINI

Magical March 26: Steel Drivin' Boy

Magical March 26

Steel Drivin' Boy

Mark A Davis

338

"Nephele won't have an answer for a few days," said Icarus.  "In the meantime Anath is working with Magical Cadet Kelly, so that's school uniform taken care of, and I  guess you've already set up a dark magical girl...."

"Dark in appearance only," said Sita.   "I'm still working with her."

"Then next is male."  Icarus frowned.  "Really?  Some of these themes...."

"I'll remind you again," said Sita, "this was an internet art challenge.  We just have to do the best we can with whatever topic we're handed, and it's not like creating a magical boy is hard."

Icarus, Lakshmi and Sita were once again gathered in a Denny's, this time in Atlanta, GA.  Icarus wore a System of a Down tee with jeans and his usual leather jacket and dark glasses.  Sita had for once been convinced to wear something other than the toga-like dress, but she instead wore white jeans and a white silk blouse with a ruffled front.  Lakshmi -- the one with pink hair -- wore jeans and a Disney Princess tee.

"Haven’t we already produced several magical boys?" asked Icarus, as he splattered Tabasco all over his southwestern skillet.

Sita frowned.  "Technically we’ve done four," she said.  "But by my count, we’ve only done one properly, and that’s my Unicorn Knight Sterling."

"What does that mean?" asked Icarus.  "I supposed Fairy Knight Hollyhock doesn't count?"

"His costume is too girly," said Sita.  "You took a dress meant for a flower-themed fairy girl and slightly altered it."

"Which does not disqualify him as a magical boy," Icarus pointed out.

"No, it doesn't," said Sita, "which is why I said that technically we've had four -- but only one that's properly male...."

"Now, wait a second," said Icarus, gesturing with the Tabasco bottle.  "Where does it say that magical boys have to dress a certain way?  Lots of magical boys have feminine outfits; it comes with the territory!"

"Yes, and I’m not arguing against that," said Sita, "I’m just saying that a proper magical male ought to be a little more manly…."

"So you are arguing that they don’t count," said Icarus, "just because of the outfit.  That's dumb.  That is not a valid argument.  Hollyhock should count, and so should  Magical Bunny Boy Austin and Circus Princess Alex."

Sita rolled her eyes.  "A boy in a playboy bunny suit, and a boy with princess in his name?  Really, Icarus?"

"Yes, really!" Icarus exclaimed, slamming the Tabasco bottle onto the table.  "They’re still boys.  That’s the point.  They're not magical girls, are they?"

"Of course they're not girls," said Sita.  "What they are is very girlish magical boys.  My point is that I want to create a magical boy who looks like a boy.  Is that too much to ask?"

"Austin looks..." Icarus began.

"Like a boy in drag," Sita said.  "Hollyhock might as well be wearing a dress, and Circus Princess Alex does wear a dress.  One designed to expose his panties, I might add."

"Yes, well, it was a magical girl design..." said Icarus.  "One designed by you.  But if you remove those panties, you'll see...."

"Let's not talk about stripping magical boys or girls, shall we?" Lakshmi interrupted.  "You two are overboard here.  Sita, Icarus has a point — technically we’ve produced four magical boys out of twenty-seven magical young people total.  We also have one transgender magical girl, two boys who turn into magical girls, and one non-gender specific magical boi who accepts female pronouns...."

Icarus stuck his tongue out at Sita.  She pretended to ignore him.

"But Icarus," Lakshmi continued," Sita also has a point — only one of our magical boys actually dresses like a guy.   That seems a bit disparate, don't you think?"

"Like I said, a lot of magical boys..." Icarus began.

"Dress like girls?  Perhaps, but surely not seventy-five percent of them," said Lakshmi.  "Now, here's my proposal:  we let Sita design the look and name of our magical boy, while Icarus and I will locate a suitable candidate."

"That... sounds reasonable," said Sita.

"Yeah, I’m good with that," said Icarus.

***

Muscles gleamed on the bare-chested Magical Drille Terrier Sam as he swung his steel-driving hammer.  It crashed into what was ostensibly the face of a twenty-foot iron monster.  The creature belched steam and oil.  It was part steam locomotive and part transformer robot, and had been tearing up the streets of Atlanta before the magical boy's arrival.

As the three guides watched -- now in their animal forms -- Lakshmi, in her white cat form, said, "Still with the appropriately-themed enemies popping up.  It's worrying."

Icarus the winged tabby said,"I'll just bet you think you're being really clever with that name, Sita."

The floating ball of white fur with eyes and rabbit ears which was Sita said, "Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

"Well, someone's been listening to too much old Irish folk music," said Icarus.  "Was it the Weavers, perhaps?  They did this song, and I think Makem and Clancey covered it as well."

"You are quite well informed on folk music for someone who dresses like a has-been rock star," Sita said.  "It was the Walkabouts, actually -- a folk-rock group from Seattle."

"Ah," said Icarus.  "Drill is not spelled with an E, you know."

"It is in the Walkabouts song," Sita replied.

"Also tarrier is spelled with an A," Icarus added.

"Not in the Walkabouts song..." Sita said.

"Also, a Drill Tarrier is not, as you seem to think, a job description," said Icarus.  "The actual song is Drill, Ye Tarriers, Drill.  A tarrier is someone who is a lazy roustabout -- someone who tarrys.  See, that's what the foreman is calling them.  You seem to think they're small dogs, or something,"

In this form Sita had no mouth, but you sensed she was frowning.  "You probably should have gone with a name like Magical Steel Driver Sam," Icarus said.

Lakshmi sighed.  "If," said Sita, "you are trying to ruin this moment for me, then you have failed."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Icarus replied.

"With your petty little criticisms," said Sita, "and with the candidate that you chose.  The only thing that matters is the results. I still like the name, and Magical Drille Terrier Sam is a fine magical boy.  He's very manly."

At that moment came a loud crack, as Sam finally split open the head of the steam-powered transformer robot.  The creature stumbled and fell sideways.

"Only," said Icarus, "when he’s not transformed into a boy named Sam, she’s a girl named Samantha…."

But Sita wasn't listening.  Her eyes were closed, and she was singing La la la at the top of her voice.

FINI

Magical March 27: Spy Games

Magical March 27

(which comes before 26 for reasons)

Spy Games

Mark A Davis

337

The robotic magical girl known as Parodi Platinum spun through the air, almost too fast to see.  She was a blur of white plastic and silver chrome.  Her pigtails -- two long fins that hung from her head, which seemed more decorative than functional -- whipped about as she turned her head, massive glowing green eyes tracking her enemy.  Heat-seeking missiles shot across the warehouse, exploding harmlessly in confetti firework bursts.

Her counterpart was Ultima Platinum, a nearly identical robot in black and red.  The two bounced back and forth, launching rubber bullets and more confetti firework bombs, then attacking each other with light saber swords.  Neither appeared to have an advantage.

"Are they fighting for real," asked Grandpa Anarchy, "or only sparring?"

"Mostly sparring," said Icarus, "I think."

The two and a host of others were gathered in the Anarchy Cave -- the large underground warehouse located beneath the Anarchy Mansion in Frosthaven NJ.  Most were seated while the two robots fought in an open area.  Grandpa was an old man in a rumpled gray suit with a silver anarchy symbol stitched over the chest.  Icarus appeared as a boy of maybe 18, wearing a tee shirt, jeans, dark glasses, leather boots and a leather jacket.  Here also was Lakshmi, with long pink hair, wearing a jeans skirt, knee-high leather boots and a Ramones tee shirt.  There were three other magical girl guides present -- Octava and Daesdamona, and  Xena who was a dark magical girl guide from Hell.  Grandpa's sidekick Ex Habitu was here, and a former sidekick, F8Wasp, and a former companion, Amelia Anne Bloodraven.  Of course, Annie Two was also present, depicted on a large video screen -- she was the computer that ran the place, after all.

"I can see that they're using non-lethal attacks," said Grandpa.  "But they move so fast!"

"All of their attacks are non-lethal," said Icarus.  "I specified that -- they're magical girls, after all.  As for combat, they most likely derive no benefit from practice, and are nearly identical in ability.  The good one -- that's Parodi, in white -- has a few advantages, and should always win, in theory.  I think direct combat between the two is a highly ritualized affair, with the outcome predetermined."

"Huh," said Grandpa.  "Coulda fooled me.  They're really going at it."

"So," said Octava, "that's sci fi covered, and Ex Habitu has agreed to work with one of our guides.  That'll be Tanit, I think.  So that's casual outfit covered...."

"Next is male, and then school uniform," said Icarus.  "Well, those are easy!  We've already done several magical boys, and several girls in uniforms, haven't we?"

"Don't do another girl in a sailor uniform," said Lakshmi.  "In fact, why not do a boy's uniform?"

"Another magical boy?" said Octava.  "Okay then.  Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone."

"No," said Lakshmi.  "Do a magical boy, and do a girl in a boy's uniform.  We've done several boys dressed as girls, why not the opposite?"

Icarus shrugged.  "We can do that," he said.  "Who doesn't love Ouran Host Club, after all?"

A holographic screen appeared before Icarus, depicting a floating ball of fur with large brown eyes and rabbit ears.  "Icarus," said Sita.  "I'm in London, working with Gothic Angel Galinda...."

Icarus frowned.  "Which one is she, again?"

"That is not important," Sita said.  "We are under attack.  Tell me what you make of this."

The screen was filled with video of a goth magical girl with a parasol fighting creatures of living shadow.  They flowed through the air like oil, and when they died they pooled on the ground before soaking into it and disappearing.  Grandpa Anarchy watched over Icarus's shoulder.

"They appeared as soon as I'd set her up with powers," said Sita.  "They seem tailor-made to the skills I assigned for her...."

"Again, huh?" Icarus said.  "Someone on the dark side seems to know everything we do...."

"Evil shadow creatures in London?" he asked.  "Now that one sounds like a demon I once fought.  What was her name?  Ilhaa Blindstone, that's it."

"Mr. Anarchy," said Icarus dismissively, "we've been under attack from dark forces for a while now.  We have our best Nibiru agents looking into this -- angels who once worked with Heaven's Office of Counterintelligence.  I hardly think that some random human hero is going to solve a problem that our best spies haven't been able to crack...."

Grandpa Anarchy shrugged.  "Suit yourself," he said.  "Only I ain't just any random hero, I'm  the oldest active hero on earth, with more experience than any other hero you could name.  I remember Ilhaa very well -- she's big on shadow creature minions, had the same sort of inky, greasy feel to them."

Icarus looked a Grandpa dubiously, then pulled up another video.  This one depicted girls in sailor uniforms fighting shadowy insects, directed by a handsome boy with shadowy armor.  Grandpa listened as the two groups exchanged threats.  His sidekick leaned over to also watch.

"Prince Ebony of Enceladus, eh?  Minion of a Queen Sable of Titan?" he asked.

"And Sailor Scouts of the major moons of Jupiter," Ex Habitu added.  "That's basically a Sailor Moon riff."

"Yep," said Grandpa.  "That's got Eternia the Watcher's fingerprints all over it."

Octava blinked in surprise.  "You've heard of her?" he asked.

"Heard of her?" Grandpa said.  "Of course I've heard of her!  She doesn't crop up as often as that other idiot the Reality Bender, but I've tangled with her at least a half dozen times.  She's got a thing for magical girls.  I'd know her work anywhere."

Icarus raised an eyebrow.  He played another video.

"Dark Adversary from a fairy realm?" said Grandpa.  "Sounds like her work there, too."

Icarus played another video.  "Hmm," said Grandpa.  "Evil fairy tale dwarf?  That's a tough one to place.  Lemme think about it."

Icarus played another.  "Okay," said Grandpa, "I heard about this one.  Giant stuffed animals terrorizing Rio de Janiero.  Well, terrorizing in a manner of speaking, since they hardly do any damage.  But they're possessed by evil spirits, are they?  Hmmm...."  He rubbed his chin.

"Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here," he said, "but this reminds me of a demon known as Xiglem -- aka the Shining One.  He's big on evil stuffed animals; it's kind of his thing.  But to be honest I haven't run across him in about fifty years.  No idea what he's been up to."

Icarus jotted down some notes.  "Thanks," he said.  "I'll just feed this to our spy network and see if they can come up with anything...."

"Don't bother," said Grandpa.  "I got better sources than your failed angelic secret agents...."  He turned to the woman depicted on the giant computer screen -- that of a nineteenth-century librarian with wire rim glasses and her hair in a bun.  "Annie, get me Hell Wasp on the phone...."

Moments later a female demon appeared on the screen.  She had red skin and horns and cartoonish proportions, and wore a leather bodysuit that laced up the front and sides in such a manner as to expose more skin than it covered.  She was chewing bubblegum.  "Hey Grandpa, what's up?" she asked.  "Oh hey, Xena!  And is that Daesdamona with you?  Man it's been centuries...."

"Oh hey, Deva," Xena called out.

"This," said Grandpa Anarchy, "is the latest member of the Dark Moon Maidens.  Her name is Devastation Brimstone, but you can call her Miss Deva.  She happens to be the niece of my demonic lawyer Malevolent P. Brimstone, but she's also a registered hero, and I don't mind owing her a favor."  Grandpa  turned back to the young demoness and said, "Miss Deva, you know just about everyone in Hell, yes?"

Miss Deva blew a large bubble, then sucked it back into her mouth and snapped the gum loudly.  She said, "Well, a lot of people anyways."

"Specifically, you'd know anyone who's been involved with mortal heroes as either an ally or an enemy, yes?" asked Grandpa.

"Oh yeah, totally," she said.  "You know heroes are my favorite subject!  Ask me anything!"

***

Nibiru Counterintelligence Agent Nephele stared through the screen at Icarus.

"Xiglem the Shining One, and Ilhaa Blindstone?" she asked, skepticism dripping from every word.  "Members of a new dark forces conglomerate known as IMI -- Industrial Monophobia Inc?  Run by an ancient demon named Hamorai?  Are you sure about this?"

"As sure as I can be," Icarus said.  "That's why I'm bringing it to you, so you can confirm it."

"As it happens," said the agent, "I can confirm that Xigem and Ilhaa were cast out of hell some time ago for repeatedly not following rules... and I'm familiar with Hamorai, but no one's heard from him in nearly a hundred years... where did this information come from?"

Icarus shrugged.  "Would you believe a friendly wasp told me?"

FINI

Magical March 25: Tidal Wave

Magical March 25

Tidal Wave

Mark A Davis

336

"You’re a what now?" Grandpa Anarchy asked.

"We’re angels," said Octava.  "Well, former angels, technically...."

Grandpa pointed at Daesdamona, who had red skin, bat wings, and horns.  "That one don't look like no angel," he said.

Octava and Daesdamona had appeared a minute earlier in Grandpa Anarchy's basement.  The so-called Anarchy cave was a vast warehouse beneath the Anarchy mansion, filled with an extensive collection of obsolete crime-fighting equipment -- including, but not limited to:  a broken jet bike, an exo-skeleton which might very well harm the user, a flying saucer which worked but was no longer top-of-the-line, a rusting 1958 AMD Ambassador Station Wagon which didn't work, several crime-fighting robots from various eras dating back to the early 1960's, and a crime submarine in a special pool dock.

As usual Grandpa wore a rumpled gray suit with an Anarchy symbol stitched in silver over the left breast.  His current sidekick was here too -- a young girl with dark skin wearing an elaborate pinafore dress of pink and lavender.  The lower hem of the dress depicted scenes of cute bunnies murdering each other with all manner of weapons.  Her name was Ex Habitu.

"I am a reformed demon, of course," Daesdamona replied.  Her body shimmered, and suddenly she was just a normal girl of about sixteen.  She had dark skin, black hair, and wore jeans and a crop tee shirt.

"Don't believe in reformed demons," Grandpa muttered.  "Always claiming to be reformed as a ruse...."

"Isn't your lawyer Malevolent P. Brimstone, of  the Maxwell, Screwtape, Brimstone and Wormwood demonic law firm?" Daesdamona asked.

"That's right," Grandpa said, "and he's a good lawyer precisely because he's not reformed.  I wouldn't touch a reformed demon lawyer with a ten foot pole -- them types are as crooked as a Dow performance chart.  fallen angels are almost as bad -- can't trust the lot of them."

"But I'm a fallen..." Octava began, but Daesdamona shook her head violently.  "Moving on," he said, "we work for a pro-magical girl conglomerate called Nibiru.…"

"Oh," Grandpa said.  "You guys."

"You’ve heard of us before?" Daesdamona asked.

"Heard of you?" Grandpa repeated.  "Of course I have!  I’ve been to your fancy schmancy city in the clouds a half dozen times!  I’ve saved the place from invasion twice, and I've worked with your agents more times than I can count…."

"World's oldest active hero..." Octava said, sotto voce.

Daesdamona rolled her eyes.  "Of course.  I should have guessed."

"This is about all the magical girls, right?" Grandpa asked.

"Um... one magical girl," said Octava.  "Your sidekick actually.  We'd really like to sponsor her.  See, we have a quota to meet, on a variety of themes, and today's theme is casual outfit.  I know the Lolita dress is not exactly casual, but I say that casual is in the eye of the beholder.  She doesn't transform, so it probably counts, and it would help us immensely if we didn't have to create another magical girl...."

"Yeah, yeah," said Grandpa.  "There's a tidal wave of magical girls coming.  I already got the full spiel from the other guys."

Octava blinked in surprise.  "Other guys?"

"A tidal wave of magical girls?" asked Daesdamona.

"There's a whole convention of you guys here," Grandpa said.  He lead them around a stack of boxes and into a sort of lounge area, with a series of couches and chairs and a large computer monitor on the cavern wall to one side.  There were a number of people here, most of whom Octava and Daesdamona knew.  Here was Icarus, an teenage boy in a leather jacket, boots, jeans and dark glasses.  Lakshmi was beside him, with long pink hair and in a jeans skirt and a Ramones tee shirt, with knee-high leather boots.  A third woman they also recognized -- the heroine F8Wasp, in a form-fitting outfit of silver and black with long black hair.

Xenagalmok was here as well -- the demoness who went by Xena and worked for the Dark Magical Division of Hell.  She was, on a purely technical level, the enemy.  She had pale white skin, curved horns, and long red hair in two braids, and wore a black Lolita dress with striped tights, black boots with metal spikes, black lipstick and black nail polish.

The last three they didn't know -- a woman in her twenties with shoulder-length brown hair in jeans, a red shirt and a brown bomber jacket, and two nearly identical girl robots -- one in white and grey, the other in red and black, with small demonic horns.  They also noticed the woman depicted on the computer monitor, who resembled a 19th-century librarian.

"Octava!  Daesdamona!  Darlings!" Xena exclaimed.

"Uh..." Octava began, "what are you all doing here?"

"I just provided the robots," said F8Wasp.

"Xena was just leaving," said Lakshmi.

"Now don't be like that, Lakshmi," Xena said.  "We're having a lovely time here...."

"Do I get an animal guide?" asked Ex Habitu.

"Eventually," Octava replied.

"Like I said, a tidal wave of magical girls," said Grandpa.  "See, I know how this works.  All your new magical girls will register with Jay's Temporary Superfriends, and I'll have nothing but magical girl sidekicks for the next six months...."

"I don't think...." Octava began, but just then the elevator doors slid open, and Jay Medberry -- the face of Temporary Superfriends, the sidekick temp agency -- stepped out, followed by several magical girls.  Here was Magical Soldier Savitha -- who resembled Sayaka Miki of Puella Magi Madoka Magica, and here also was Stella Maris and Sailor Sunburst.

"Now," Jay said, "this is the famous Anarchy Cave.  I'll introduce you to Annie Two, the computer that runs this place, and... oh look, here's Grandpa Anarchy now, along with...." he paused, then added, "multiple magical girls and their guides?"

"Oh!" Sailor Sunburst said.  "It's Octava and Daesdamona!  Hello again!"

"Case in point," said Grandpa.

FINI

Magical March 24: Deluxe Model

Magical March 24

Deluxe Model

Mark A Davis

335

The room was dark and vast, populated by dusty machinery, vehicles, and strange mounds that on closer inspection proved to be even dustier cloth-covered machines.  Here was an ancient exoskeleton, there a large circular metal gateway; there was a rusting 1958 AMD Ambassador Station Wagon, and back in one corner of the cavernous space was a disused flying saucer.  Nearby were two human-sized objects covered in drop cloth which was not yet dusty, signalling they were new. The place was quiet, but it was the sort of quiet you got in giantic spaces.  All that could be heard was the hum of some well-maintained computer servers and the lap of water where a submarine was docked.

Two humans appeared.  One second they were not there, the next second, there they were -- young, perhaps in their late teens.  One was a man in a leather biker's jacket, leather boots and jeans, who wore dark glasses; the other was a woman with long pink hair, who wore a jeans mini skirt and a Ramones tee shirt.

The woman looked about the room.  "Is this where we pick up your robotic magical girl?" she asked.  "For the sci fi assignment."

"This is the location I was given," the man replied.  "F8Wasp says that the work is done.  I guess with all of the weird crap happening lately, at least one thing has gone right."

The woman sang, "Science fiction double feature, Dr. X will build a creature...."

Nearby a large wall-mounted computer screen came to life. An image of a woman appeared there -- a young Victorian woman with wire-rimmed glasses, her hair pulled back into a bun.  "Good evening," the woman on the screen said.  "My name is Annie Two, short for Anarchy Computer Mark II.  F8Wasp should be here soon.  I take it you are Icarus and Lakshmi, the two magical girl guides?"

"That's correct," Icarus said.  "Anarchy Computer -- as in Grandpa Anarchy?"

"Indeed," the woman replied.  "This is the Anarchy cave beneath the Anarchy mansion."

Icarus raised an eyebrow, but before he could say more, the dimensional gateway flared to life.  He knew this was what it was, for it was identical to other gateways he had seen -- a circle of some unknown metal, with strange symbols carved into the outer ring, and with a center that was like liquid water, a pool on its side.  There was one like it in Happy Jack's bar in the interdimensional city of Intersect, where they'd first met the heroine and computer genius F8Wasp.

Moments later, F8Wasp stepped through the gateway.  She was a young woman with long black hair, who wore a form-fitted outfit of silver and black.  Right behind her was her companion, Amelia Anne Bloodraven -- an older woman with shoulder-length brown hair in jeans, a red shirt, and a brown leather bomber jacket.

After introductions, F8Wasp said, "Now before I reveal her to you, I just want to make one thing clear.  She's not really female.  She's a robot.  You asked for a robot girl, so I designed her to be streamlined and girlish.  Her hips are wider than her shoulders, but she doesn't have breasts because what are those for on a robot anyway?  She'll answer to feminine pronouns because god knows we all have to use gendered pronouns, at least in certain languages such as English, but it's important to remember that she's a robot.  Robots have no gender, unless we're talking about a sexbot which we most definitely aren't.

"In that way whe's like WALL-E or EVE from Pixar's movie.  People assume that WALL-E is male and EVE is female -- and of course you're meant to do that, it was the intention of the Pixar staff -- but there's literally nothing to suggest that this is actually the case.  WALL-E is more rugged and has an electronic voice pitched slightly lower, EVE is more rounded and smooth and has a slightly higher voice.  That's literally it -- even their names are anagrams of their job descriptions, so it's only coincidence that they resemble names for a boy and a girl. You can describe them as butch and femme, with no gender assigned to either, and it works just as well."

"That's... nice, I guess," said Icarus.  "I just want our magical girl to look like a girl...."

"Yes," said F8Wasp, "and she does of course -- I already said.  It's what you asked for, and as they say the customer is always right."

She pulled the drop cloth from one of the nearby human-sized objects, revealing a beautiful robot, all silver metal and smooth white plastic, with dark gray plastic at the joints.  As F8Wasp had said, there were no breasts, but she was slender and with enough curves in the right places to make her appear feminine.  The face somewhat resembled that of a young girl, though there was no mouth nor nose; the cybernetic eyes were large and glowed green.  Hanging from the head were two long fins that resembled anime twin tails.  There was nothing else to suggest hair, and yet she really did look like a pig-tailed girl.

"Greetings," the robot said.  "My name is Parodi Platinum."

"I named her in honor of the unnamed Maschinenmensch from the movie Metropolis," said F8Wasp.  "That's one of the very first depictions of a gynoid or female robot.  She's been given many names over the years -- Parody, Ultima, Machina, Futura, Robotrix, False Maria, Robot Maria, Roboria, Hel.  Parodi seemed a good name."

"I like it," Icarus said.  "And how are you today, Parodi?"

The girl inclined her head.  "I am well, thank you," she replied.  "You are the one called Icarus?"

"Yes," he replied.  "I'm the one that commissioned you.  Lakshmi and I are magical girl guides, and we were hoping you will assume the role of a magical girl."

"I will certainly do my best," the girl replied.

"Have you considered where Parodi will live, or who will look after her?" asked F8Wasp.  Icarus glanced at Lakshmi.  It was obvious the thought hadn't crossed their minds.

"I... that is... we've been a bit busy," said Lakshmi.

"I thought not," F8Wasp replied.  "A robotic magical girl surely needs a base of operations -- a home, if you will.  She does not have a mother or father per se, so she will need the help of someone who understands who she is and what problems she might face, and who to contact should she need to be repaired.  A simple magical girl guide will not do.  I am no longer based on earth, of course, so I cannot perform this role.

"Therefore I thought to make Grandpa Anarchy's home her base of operations.  He need not be bothered by her presence -- his mansion is large, and she will probably not need a room in any case.  Annie Two, who I created, will serve as an excellent intermediary between me and her.  She should be able to answer most questions that Parodi might have, and can contact me if I am needed.  Although I suspect that most problems that Annie Two has no answer for will involve repair to Parodi's body, and that can be handled by Geothermal Jenny of the League of Two-Fisted Justice, who in fact is the one who built her body."

Icarus and Lakshmi were silent for a moment.  "It Seems," said Icarus, "that you've thought of just about everything...."

Fire flashed.  Smoke rolled across the room, bringing with it the stench of brimstone.  A newcomer had appeared -- a woman with pale skin, curved horns, and long red hair in two braids.  She wore a black Lolita dress with striped tights, black boots with metal spikes, black lipstick and black nail polish.

"Why, Icarus and Lakshmi!" the newcomer exclaimed.  "We meet again, My Darlings!"

Lakshmi sighed.  "Xenagalmok," she said.

"Just Xena will do nicely, Dear," the demoness replied.

"You know I'm not supposed to be around you," said Icarus.

"Certainly, Dear Icarus," Xena said, "But it's hardly my problem.  I have business with F8Wasp, and this is where I was told to meet her!  I had no idea you would be here too, I swear!"  She turned to F8Wasp.  "Is my robot ready, Dear?" she asked.

In answer, F8Wasp removed the drop cloth from the second humanoid shape, revealing a robot nearly identical to Parodi, save that she was black and red, and had small demon's horns on her forehead.

"Her name," said F8Wasp, "is Ultima Platinum."

Xena clapped her hands together.  "She's beautiful, F8Wasp!  Perfect!  My own Dark Robotic Magical Girl!"

 Icarus glared at F8Wasp. "Don't look at me like that, Angel Boy," the heroine said. "Xena contacted me and offered quadruple what you did. It was strictly a business decision."

"And who warned Demon Girl that we were making a gynoid?" asked Icarus.

"Let's just say a little bat told me," said Xena.

"Only Lakshmi, Sita, Octava and Daesdamona knew," said Icarus.

"Ysolde as well," said Lakshmi, "and F8Wasp and Lady Bloodraven of course, and I guess Geothermal Jenny...."

F8Wasp shrugged. "In any case, they're nearly identical. I haven't had the time to develop two different robots! But I warned Xena that the good one was meant to win, so Parodi got all the extras...."

FINI