Magical March 27
(which comes before 26 for reasons)
Spy Games
Mark A Davis
337
The robotic magical girl known as Parodi Platinum spun through the air, almost too fast to see. She was a blur of white plastic and silver chrome. Her pigtails -- two long fins that hung from her head, which seemed more decorative than functional -- whipped about as she turned her head, massive glowing green eyes tracking her enemy. Heat-seeking missiles shot across the warehouse, exploding harmlessly in confetti firework bursts.
Her counterpart was Ultima Platinum, a nearly identical robot in black and red. The two bounced back and forth, launching rubber bullets and more confetti firework bombs, then attacking each other with light saber swords. Neither appeared to have an advantage.
"Are they fighting for real," asked Grandpa Anarchy, "or only sparring?"
"Mostly sparring," said Icarus, "I think."
The two and a host of others were gathered in the Anarchy Cave -- the large underground warehouse located beneath the Anarchy Mansion in Frosthaven NJ. Most were seated while the two robots fought in an open area. Grandpa was an old man in a rumpled gray suit with a silver anarchy symbol stitched over the chest. Icarus appeared as a boy of maybe 18, wearing a tee shirt, jeans, dark glasses, leather boots and a leather jacket. Here also was Lakshmi, with long pink hair, wearing a jeans skirt, knee-high leather boots and a Ramones tee shirt. There were three other magical girl guides present -- Octava and Daesdamona, and Xena who was a dark magical girl guide from Hell. Grandpa's sidekick Ex Habitu was here, and a former sidekick, F8Wasp, and a former companion, Amelia Anne Bloodraven. Of course, Annie Two was also present, depicted on a large video screen -- she was the computer that ran the place, after all.
"I can see that they're using non-lethal attacks," said Grandpa. "But they move so fast!"
"All of their attacks are non-lethal," said Icarus. "I specified that -- they're magical girls, after all. As for combat, they most likely derive no benefit from practice, and are nearly identical in ability. The good one -- that's Parodi, in white -- has a few advantages, and should always win, in theory. I think direct combat between the two is a highly ritualized affair, with the outcome predetermined."
"Huh," said Grandpa. "Coulda fooled me. They're really going at it."
"So," said Octava, "that's sci fi covered, and Ex Habitu has agreed to work with one of our guides. That'll be Tanit, I think. So that's casual outfit covered...."
"Next is male, and then school uniform," said Icarus. "Well, those are easy! We've already done several magical boys, and several girls in uniforms, haven't we?"
"Don't do another girl in a sailor uniform," said Lakshmi. "In fact, why not do a boy's uniform?"
"Another magical boy?" said Octava. "Okay then. Maybe we could kill two birds with one stone."
"No," said Lakshmi. "Do a magical boy, and do a girl in a boy's uniform. We've done several boys dressed as girls, why not the opposite?"
Icarus shrugged. "We can do that," he said. "Who doesn't love Ouran Host Club, after all?"
A holographic screen appeared before Icarus, depicting a floating ball of fur with large brown eyes and rabbit ears. "Icarus," said Sita. "I'm in London, working with Gothic Angel Galinda...."
Icarus frowned. "Which one is she, again?"
"That is not important," Sita said. "We are under attack. Tell me what you make of this."
The screen was filled with video of a goth magical girl with a parasol fighting creatures of living shadow. They flowed through the air like oil, and when they died they pooled on the ground before soaking into it and disappearing. Grandpa Anarchy watched over Icarus's shoulder.
"They appeared as soon as I'd set her up with powers," said Sita. "They seem tailor-made to the skills I assigned for her...."
"Again, huh?" Icarus said. "Someone on the dark side seems to know everything we do...."
"Evil shadow creatures in London?" he asked. "Now that one sounds like a demon I once fought. What was her name? Ilhaa Blindstone, that's it."
"Mr. Anarchy," said Icarus dismissively, "we've been under attack from dark forces for a while now. We have our best Nibiru agents looking into this -- angels who once worked with Heaven's Office of Counterintelligence. I hardly think that some random human hero is going to solve a problem that our best spies haven't been able to crack...."
Grandpa Anarchy shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said. "Only I ain't just any random hero, I'm the oldest active hero on earth, with more experience than any other hero you could name. I remember Ilhaa very well -- she's big on shadow creature minions, had the same sort of inky, greasy feel to them."
Icarus looked a Grandpa dubiously, then pulled up another video. This one depicted girls in sailor uniforms fighting shadowy insects, directed by a handsome boy with shadowy armor. Grandpa listened as the two groups exchanged threats. His sidekick leaned over to also watch.
"Prince Ebony of Enceladus, eh? Minion of a Queen Sable of Titan?" he asked.
"And Sailor Scouts of the major moons of Jupiter," Ex Habitu added. "That's basically a Sailor Moon riff."
"Yep," said Grandpa. "That's got Eternia the Watcher's fingerprints all over it."
Octava blinked in surprise. "You've heard of her?" he asked.
"Heard of her?" Grandpa said. "Of course I've heard of her! She doesn't crop up as often as that other idiot the Reality Bender, but I've tangled with her at least a half dozen times. She's got a thing for magical girls. I'd know her work anywhere."
Icarus raised an eyebrow. He played another video.
"Dark Adversary from a fairy realm?" said Grandpa. "Sounds like her work there, too."
Icarus played another video. "Hmm," said Grandpa. "Evil fairy tale dwarf? That's a tough one to place. Lemme think about it."
Icarus played another. "Okay," said Grandpa, "I heard about this one. Giant stuffed animals terrorizing Rio de Janiero. Well, terrorizing in a manner of speaking, since they hardly do any damage. But they're possessed by evil spirits, are they? Hmmm...." He rubbed his chin.
"Okay I'm going to go out on a limb here," he said, "but this reminds me of a demon known as Xiglem -- aka the Shining One. He's big on evil stuffed animals; it's kind of his thing. But to be honest I haven't run across him in about fifty years. No idea what he's been up to."
Icarus jotted down some notes. "Thanks," he said. "I'll just feed this to our spy network and see if they can come up with anything...."
"Don't bother," said Grandpa. "I got better sources than your failed angelic secret agents...." He turned to the woman depicted on the giant computer screen -- that of a nineteenth-century librarian with wire rim glasses and her hair in a bun. "Annie, get me Hell Wasp on the phone...."
Moments later a female demon appeared on the screen. She had red skin and horns and cartoonish proportions, and wore a leather bodysuit that laced up the front and sides in such a manner as to expose more skin than it covered. She was chewing bubblegum. "Hey Grandpa, what's up?" she asked. "Oh hey, Xena! And is that Daesdamona with you? Man it's been centuries...."
"Oh hey, Deva," Xena called out.
"This," said Grandpa Anarchy, "is the latest member of the Dark Moon Maidens. Her name is Devastation Brimstone, but you can call her Miss Deva. She happens to be the niece of my demonic lawyer Malevolent P. Brimstone, but she's also a registered hero, and I don't mind owing her a favor." Grandpa turned back to the young demoness and said, "Miss Deva, you know just about everyone in Hell, yes?"
Miss Deva blew a large bubble, then sucked it back into her mouth and snapped the gum loudly. She said, "Well, a lot of people anyways."
"Specifically, you'd know anyone who's been involved with mortal heroes as either an ally or an enemy, yes?" asked Grandpa.
"Oh yeah, totally," she said. "You know heroes are my favorite subject! Ask me anything!"
***
Nibiru Counterintelligence Agent Nephele stared through the screen at Icarus.
"Xiglem the Shining One, and Ilhaa Blindstone?" she asked, skepticism dripping from every word. "Members of a new dark forces conglomerate known as IMI -- Industrial Monophobia Inc? Run by an ancient demon named Hamorai? Are you sure about this?"
"As sure as I can be," Icarus said. "That's why I'm bringing it to you, so you can confirm it."
"As it happens," said the agent, "I can confirm that Xigem and Ilhaa were cast out of hell some time ago for repeatedly not following rules... and I'm familiar with Hamorai, but no one's heard from him in nearly a hundred years... where did this information come from?"
Icarus shrugged. "Would you believe a friendly wasp told me?"
FINI
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